


Outside the Drift

by xisney



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, F/M, Love Triangles, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:32:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 40,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2207196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xisney/pseuds/xisney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pacific Rim AU where Female Shepard works with a ragtag team to go through the Omega 4 Relay and destroy the Reaper base. Shepard struggles between her affections for the dying Thane Krios and the dependable Kaidan Alenko. Garrus struggles mostly with drifting with people who have been intimate with Shepard and tries to keep their relationship professional, but once he starts drifting with Shepard he finds his mind wandering to Kaidan. And who's there for Shepard when she's feeling at her worst? Probably more romance than there should be, but there's still some Jaeger fun. There're several tweaks to Reaper lore and drifting lore to fit neatly into the fic. Contains full ME, ME2 & ME3 team except for Javik and Ash is only referenced. (Still WIP, but mostly written and updating as I edit.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Commander Shepard stood next to Admiral Anderson as they looked over the chaos of the Docking Bay on the Shatterdome space station. Anderson flipped through the files of the new recruits and Shepard leaned on the railing, watching a group of Krogans pulling in their Jaeger. It was easily twice the size of the others, and it looked boxy and crude. However, Shepard recognized the material as tough, and she noticed a melee weapon attached to its back for easy access. One of the arms was literally just a gun.

“You’re looking at Urdnot Wrex and Grunt for piloting that sucker,” Anderson said. “Grunt’s a tank-bred Krogan, though you know that since you took him out of it. Once you brought him back to Tuchanka, none of the others would work with him in a Jaeger. Wrex offered to test their compatibility as a sign of good faith, but it turned out they were compatible and they’ve been working together ever since. They’ve taken down ten kaiju on their homeworld and one Reaper on their own.”

“On their own?”

“It sounds like it tried to ambush them at a strange hour, and Wrex and Grunt were training anyway. Still - impressive.”

“Extremely,” Shepard said.

“They’re here to offer Krogan support if you help them cure the genophage. Apparently the cure is ready, they just need help delivering it to their people.”

“Wrex discussed it with me,” Shepard said. “It’ll be done.”

Anderson nodded. “I’ll handle the politics side of it then, though I assure you it will not be a pleasure.”

Shepard laughed as a team of Salarians transported in a thin, sleek Jaeger that resembled the shape of a Salarian. Shepard couldn’t immediately see any weapons, but she knew that didn’t mean it didn’t have any.

“You’re not going to believe this one, Shepard,” Anderson said. “You’re looking at a Salarian Doctor Mordin and a nameless female Krogan shaman.”

“They’re compatible?”

“Appears that they are extremely compatible,” Anderson said. “He was breaking the female Krogan out of a Salarian lab because she carries the cure for the genophage. He stole a Jaeger to try to escape and, when he couldn’t pilot it himself, she stepped up and they just flowed together.”

“So are they defending the Krogans or the Salarians?” Shepard asked.

“It looks like it was a renegade project by Mordin himself. He wanted to work with the female when they realized their compatibility, but neither race would support them. They worked with the Krogans for a while, but they complained of too much singing on their channel, and they didn’t like working with a Salarian. The Salarians wouldn’t take them, so they worked with whoever needed them. Spent some time with the Hanar.”

“I guess it makes sense they’re here then. What’s their score?”

“Two reapers. One reaper assist. Seven kaiju.”

“Two reapers?”

“Two.”

“How the fuck haven’t we heard of them before?” Shepard asked with a laugh.

“Both races are not happy about the renegade group, particularly because of their success. If they hadn’t snubbed them from the beginning, it wouldn’t be such an embarrassment. But Mordin has a strong Salarian engineering team working on it.” Anderson pointed to another Jaeger. “There’s the Turian support.”

Shepard watched the Turians move an average-sized, pointy jaeger into position. “Garrus Vakarian. Former C-Sec, and he’s worked on the Jaeger program since the Turians started their own. Recently lost his co-pilot. Eleven Kaiju kills. One Reaper assist. I think it’s a kiss-off from the Turians.”

Shepard thinned her lips. “Do we have any open pilots?”

“Let me continue through the dossier,” Anderson said. “We have a few more human Jaegers coming in - one former Cerberus group, if you can believe it. There’s a whole group of them – scientists, engineers, some soldiers. Anyway, the ex-Cerberus Jaeger pilots are two humans, Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson. They’re very skilled. Wear tight outfits.”

Shepard looked at their pictures. “Not complaining.”

“Cerberus’ dream team, but they cut ties to work with us. Probably thought we were doing some good. One Reaper. Two reaper assists. Ten Kaiju. Like I said, brought a shit ton of ex-Cereberus personnel with them.” Anderson flipped over the page. “We’ve got a couple pilots from open-recruit. Zaeed Massani, comes with his own Jaeger. God knows what he’s doing here. His last co-pilot tried to personally kill him, but Zaeed managed to get the upper hand and stole the Jaeger.”

“It says all that on his file?” Shepard asked. “Are we going to have trouble with someone trying to steal it back?”

“I doubt it,” Anderson said. “He killed the guy. At least he’s honest. He’s just a merc who wants to do some good and get paid to do it.”

“Who’s the other pilot?”

“Kasumi Goto,” Anderson said. “She’s a funny case. Looks like she tried to rob us blind, saw the Jaegers in action, and then decided to hop on board. No experience, but recently went through tons of training. She’s got a lot of potential.”

“Will they be compatible?” Shepard asked.

“We’ll find out,” Anderson said. “They seem pretty different though. You’ll really get a kick out of this next contribution. It’s a Geth Jaeger.”

“What?”

“We almost shot it out of the sky before it got here.”

“Aren’t the Geth fighting with the Reapers?”

“Some of them,” Anderson said. “It appears they’re divided. Damned if I know what’s going on in their AI heads, but one came here with its own Jaeger. It’s just one Geth in a larger robot, so I didn’t see much harm in it.”

“Does it even need a co-pilot?” Shepard asked.

“No,” Anderson said, “but it’s not opposed to working on a team. Honestly, we need all the help we can get, but we’re not going to let it inside any of our other Jaegers in case it hacks in.”

“Sounds like a safe bet to me,” Shepard said. “How did it talk its way into not getting shot out of the sky?”

“Brought a dead Reaper with it.”

“Ah.”

“No idea what sort of kills it has,” Anderson said. “But that Reaper is definitely dead. We chucked it so no one would get indoctrinated. We know what happens if anyone spends too much time with one of those - even a corpse.”

“I bet the Quarians are not happy about that Geth.”

“They’re pretty steamed,” Anderson said, “but they’re too intrigued by the gift to say much. They just keep their distance from each other. The Geth is surprisingly polite. Keeps to itself. Mostly just toys around with its Jaeger.”

“Anything from the Asari?” Shepard asked.

“Nope, but we have a Justicar here,” Anderson said, flipping to her page. “She just showed up and said she was interested in assisting. We’re going to put her with the other biotics and see if she can help with shields.”

“Jack is going to make a crack about that outfit,” Shepard said. “Especially since we made her put a shirt on.”

“If we bought her out of prison, she can do us a favour and put on a shirt,” Anderson said.

“And that’s it for the new recruits?” Shepard asked. “The Turians send us one C-Sec wash-out. The Salarians and Asari completely ignore us.”

“The Krogans sent us their leader,” Anderson said. “That’s something.”

“They say the Krogans are strong enough to win on their own. After the Asari, they’ve been the best at defending their own planet once we passed along the Jaeger technology,” Shepard said. “I’d rather have them than the council races anyway.”

“And the Quarians sent us a lot of people in exchange for parking their Flotilla behind the Shatterdome’s barrier. Their engineers know a lot about building giant robots. There’s one - a Tali’Zorah - who recently completed pilot training. She’ll be tested for a co-pilot as well.”

“So who do we have looking for a co-pilot?” Shepard asked. “The Turian. Tali. Zaeed. Kasumi.”

“James Vega, a human and recent pilot grad,” Anderson said. “We have an empty Jaeger he could fill. Honestly, he’s been eyeing it up.”

“And I’ll stick with Alenko so no one has to worry about drifting with me,” Shepard asked.

“Right,” Anderson said, “Though some of them might want to try sparring with you to test compatibility regardless. Everyone’s here because they’ve seen you in action. It’s good you’re helping us put more Jaegers into space.”

“What about the Geth?” Shepard asked. “If we could put a biotic with it, the biotic could help with its shields without having to worry about being drift compatible. We could ask Liara-”

“Liara wants to focus on working with Feron,” Anderson said. “I keep trying to give her other side projects, but right now it’s all research and working with Feron.”

“Do we have any biotics powerful enough?” Shepard asked.

“The Justicar,” Anderson said. “Jack might be interested too. We’ll ask the Justicar first - Jack’s warming up to her current position, and I don’t want to displace her and start from page one again.”

“All right, so step two is to check compatibilities,” Shepard said.

“I’ll let you take notes and lead the session,” Anderson said. “Since everyone is here though, I should probably say something.”

“Probably,” Shepard said with a smile.

“Look majestic next to me Shepard,” Anderson said with a grin.

Anderson cleared his throat before shouting, “Could I have everyone’s attention for a moment?” When the docking bay of the Shatterdome quieted down, Anderson continued, “I wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone taking the time to be here. We realized we’re not being taken too seriously by the Council, but, as you know, we have found the Mass Relay the Reapers and the Kaiju are coming through. If we can get our soldiers through that Relay, we will be able to destroy them in their home and confirm that they will never hunt us again.

“Many consider this a suicide mission. Many doubt we will succeed. I am sure many of you are here because you realize without this step, there is only failure. First the Kaiju came through to test the waters. Now the Reapers are starting to come through as well, and they’re not an easy foe to face. We cannot allow the Reapers to come through en mass like the Kaiju did. That will mean extinction for all of us. We cannot allow this war to continue.

“So thank you for being here and taking a chance on our plan to destroy the Reaper threat. We will succeed. We will destroy the Reapers and protect our families and our future. Defeat is inexcusable. Defeat means extinction. And I’m not going to be the man who let our galaxy crumble. I am honoured to have you all standing beside me. Together we can defeat the Reaper threat!”

Shepard let out a cheer, and the people Docking Bay followed suit. Anderson gave Shepard a smile, and he said, “Also, if the new recruits and recent graduates who currently do not have a pilot could meet with Shepard in the Kwoon Combat Room, we will run some compatibility tests.”

Shepard squeezed Anderson’s shoulder, and he handed her the files of the new recruits. When she reached the Kwoon Combat, she noticed some of the new recruits who already had co-pilots sitting in the stands. The Krogans sat with the Salarian doctor, laughing and joking with each other. Grunt gave Shepard a wave, and Wrex gave her a polite nod. The ex-Cerberus agents sat together, speaking quietly with each other and looking around the room. Kaidan Alenko sat alone, leaning forward impatiently. Shepard noticed Thane sitting on the other side. 

She approached him. “Hey, shouldn’t you be in the Med Bay?” she asked.

“I heard the announcement and was curious,” Thane said. “I’m not going to miss out on a chance to see the potential of the new recruits.”

Shepard smiled at him. “How are you feeling?”

“Good,” Thane said. “You needn’t worry about me. I am fine. Kolyat expressed interest in joining us. I passed along the information to Anderson. I think this is the safest place in the galaxy for him, even if we’re wearing a giant target on our head.”

“What place doesn’t have a target?”

“Exactly.”

Shepard said, “It looks like everyone is here. We’ll talk later?”

“I’ll look forward to it.”

Thane leaned back in his seat, and Shepard could feel Kaidan’s eyes burrowing into the back of her skull. She turned to give him a weak smile. His face stayed stiff.

Shepard walked to the middle of the floor. “Hello,” she said and waited for the voices to quiet down. “For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Commander Shepard. If the name sounds familiar, I’m one of the first Jaeger pilots. I trained when they were designed to be piloted solo, and I continued with a co-pilot after that. I am the Alliance pilot who was on the front line when the Kaiju came through en mass. My co-pilot was killed in action as was the rest of the force. I fought the kaiju alone until they stopped pouring through. The rumours are that one human soldier fighting Kaiju alone in a Jaeger frightened the Kaiju back through the mass relay. Now we know that is not true.

“I’m not expecting you to stand alone on the front line. I do not want you piloting your Jaeger alone. I believe strongly in teamwork, because I know how terrifying and empty space feels when you’re alone. So we’re going to run some tests to see who you are most compatible with to pilot our Jaegers. I understand that two of you came with your own Jaegers.”

Zaeed and the Turian stepped forward. “Zaeed Massani and Garrus Vakarian, correct?”

“Yeah,” Zaeed said.

Garrus gave her a nod.

“If you two are compatible, are either of you willing to allow someone else pilot your Jaeger?”

Zaeed shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Not my first choice, Commander.”

“Reluctantly,” Garrus said.

“Then let’s put you together first and find out if you’ll have to fight over whose Jaeger to take,” Shepard said.

She handed Garrus and Zaeed their training staffs and stepped aside. She nodded at Kelly Chambers who blew her whistle. Both Kelly and Shepard took notes as they went through the drills. Kelly shook her head at Shepard, and Shepard went through her notes. They actually fought fairly well together, but Zaeed had a certain amount of cut-throat behaviour that Garrus didn’t and in some cases Zaeed was more calculated while Garrus was reckless. “It’s not ideal,” she said. “Garrus, let’s stick with you since we might have more trouble with the species differences. Tali’Zorah?”

“Present.”

“Since there’s no other Quarian pilot-”

“I understand, Commander. Kill two birds with one stone.”

Shepard nodded and Kelly started the drills again. Shepard took notes again, and this time it seemed as though Garrus was too cut-throat for Tali. He was far too aggressive. When Kelly ended the drill, she shook her head at Shepard. “Yeah, Zaeed’s suddenly looking good, Garrus. Let’s keep trying.”

They continued through the drills. While Garrus seemed best suited with Zaeed, Zaeed and James scored higher together than Zaeed had with Garrus. Kasumi and Tali fit together like gloves, and Shepard noticed the pair already joked and laughed together. Shepard said to Garrus, “I’m going to have to put Zaeed and James together, especially since you’ll already be fighting with him over which Jaeger to use.”

“What about me and James?”

“You scored just a bit higher with Zaeed,” Shepard said. “We’ll find a pilot for you.”

“What about you?”

“I fly with Kaidan.”

“I’m sure you can find another human for him,” Garrus said.

“I would like to volunteer,” Thane said, standing up. “I am an experienced pilot.”

“A drell?” Garrus asked. “Really?”

“The hanar sent him as a sign of good faith. There’s a few hanar helping too, but they couldn’t sacrifice much to help us. He used to be my partner-”

“Used to be?” Garrus asked.

He tried to remember the reports. He hadn’t followed Shepard’s career from the beginning like some of the others had. As far as he could recall, it had always been Shepard and Alenko.

“Thane,” Shepard said, “you know I don’t want to volunteer you.”

“Shepard, I’m either going to die in the Med Bay or die out in space. I would prefer to go out fighting.”

“I’ll try sparring with him if I can try sparring with you first,” Garrus said.

Shepard frowned. “All right,” she said. “Thane, I’m not happy about this, but you know I can’t ignore the opportunity to have another Jaeger in the air.”

Thane smiled at Shepard. “Thank you for giving me the opportunity.”

When Shepard tried to hand Thane the staff, Garrus grabbed it. “You and me first,” he said.

“Sure,” she said. “I guess you’re interested in seeing your ass get kicked.”

“Arrogance doesn’t become you, Commander.”

“Funny, I think humility will look great on you,” Shepard replied with a smile.

Shepard nodded at Kelly and they started their drills. Their compatibility hardly surprised Shepard. She had watched Garrus enough to know they’d flow well together, and she made sure to take note of his moves to knock him on his ass a few times. He managed to get the upper hand once.

He offered his hand to help her up.

Thane said to Garrus, “Since you’re compatible, then I should be an excellent substitute.”

“All right, show me what you’ve got,” Garrus said.

Kelly showed Shepard her notes as she started the next drill. Despite Shepard’s compatibility with both Garrus and Thane, she was still surprised at how compatible Thane and Garrus were. It had been a while since she’d seen Thane fight, and she was relieved to see his movements still smooth. He didn’t get winded or catch his breath. He gave Garrus a good workout too.

When the drills ended, Garrus shook Thane’s hand. “You surprised me,” he said.

“Always a pleasure,” Thane replied with a smile.

“Let’s see you and the drell, Shepard,” Kasumi shouted. “I bet you two flow together like water.”

Thane smiled at Shepard and tilted his head inquisitively while Kaidan hopped down from the stands. “Let’s show ‘em how we do it in the bigs, eh Shepard?” Kaidan said, taking the staff from Thane.

“Whatever you say,” Shepard replied with a nod.

His tense body hardly hid that he was pissed off, but he took a deep breath before Kelly started the drill. It was routine for Shepard and Kaidan. Pushing themselves to do better. Knowing each other’s moves and secrets. She stared into his black eyes and saw herself. She knew every touch and breath.

She almost didn’t notice when Kelly ended it. 

Kaidan said, “And that’s what the most compatible pilots look like. Is there anything else, Commander?”

“If you head out to your Jaegers, we’ll start drifting to make sure there’s no hitches. Zaeed - I want you to talk to James about what happened with your last co-pilot. I don’t want there to be any surprises when you two drift.”

“What Jaeger do we go to?” Tali asked.

“The one docked in E4,” Shepard said.

“But that’s my baby,” James said.

“You’ll like my baby just fine, Vega,” Zaeed said. “Jessie II might not be new and shiny, but she packs a real punch.”

“All right, you’ve got me intrigued Massani.”

Tali said to Kasumi, “The one we’re going to is extremely nice. I saw the developmental plans.”

While the spectators left, Shepard stopped Garrus and Thane. Kaidan lingered beside her. “Thane, run Garrus through the risks of drifting with a drell. If you don’t think you can handle it, Garrus, you let me know and we’ll wait for another pilot.”

“Why don’t we swap?” Garrus said. “Thane goes with yours and I go with you.”

“We’re not compatible,” Thane said, quickly.

“That seems strange,” Garrus said. “I don’t see how you two couldn’t be compatible if the three of us are all compatible.”

“We’re not compatible because I don’t like the idea of vividly seeing him fuck my girlfriend,” Kaidan said, no longer trying to hide his hostility.

“That’s a rather crude way to put it,” Thane said.

Kaidan sucked his teeth, and Shepard quickly said to Garrus, “If you don’t want to drift with Thane because of the risks involved, we’ll work something else out.”

“You’re not piloting with Thane again,” Kaidan said.

“I didn’t say that,” Shepard said.

“It’s Lt. Alenko, right?” Garrus asked.

“Major.”

“I doubt we’d be compatible anyway,” he sharply replied.

Kaidan laughed. “Says the reject of the Turian army. Can I ask you something? What kind of military sends one man with their lowest-quality Jaeger?”

“One that knows they only need to send one,” Garrus said. “My Jaeger is old because it withstands any force thrown at it. The only reason the alliance needs shiny new Jaegers is because they keep getting theirs blown up. Is it shitty pilots or just shoddy construction, Major?”

Kaidan opened his mouth, but Shepard gently touched his chest. “All right,” she said. “We have to work together. This needs to stop.”

Garrus and Kaidan said nothing further.

“Am I going to have a problem?” Shepard asked.

“No, Commander,” Kaidan replied.

Garrus just shook his head.

“All right,” Shepard said. “Thane, you give Garrus the run down on drifting with drells. If he’s interested, get started. If he’s not, it’s back to me. Okay?”

“Yes, Commander,” Thane said.

Thane started to lead Garrus away, but Garrus heard Kaidan say to Shepard, “You should ask what happened to his last partner.”

Garrus started to turn around, but Thane touched his shoulder. “The Commander likes it when a soldier knows when to stand down,” he said.

“And I care what she thinks?” Garrus asked.

“I know you do,” Thane replied with a smile. “We’re all here because we believe in her.”

Garrus watched Thane’s face as he walked next to him down the hallways. He started to make a mental map in his head. He said, “I’m going to find out soon enough - what happened between you two?”

“When the Commander lost her former partner, Ashley Williams, she was dating Kaidan at the time. Both were close to Williams, and both got caught up in their own grief. The Commander got an offer to work with Anderson on this project, and she asked Alenko to come with her. He was an Alliance man through-and-through, no distractions, no side projects. He said no, and left Shepard without a partner.”

“So they were compatible back then?”

“Yes,” Thane said. “Shepard piloted with Alenko, and they picked up this rookie pilot, Williams. When they realized they were compatible, Shepard took Williams under her wing to train her. Alenko had another man he was compatible with, so the temporary transition seemed reasonable.”

“Must have hurt like a bitch to lose her then,” Garrus said. “She probably thought that girl counted on her.”

“Exactly,” Thane said. “Regardless, there was a misunderstanding between Kaidan and the Commander. She believed they had broken up, but he was under the impression they were still together.”

“How does a misunderstanding like that happen?” Garrus asked with a laugh.

“They exchanged harsh words, and Shepard interpreted ‘Just get out of here’ as a final note to their relationship. Kaidan took it as they would work on separate projects, but he was too wrapped up in his own grief to exchange e-mails with the Commander, and the Commander assumed there was no reason to keep in touch, so neither of them realized that the other misunderstood the state of their relationship.”

“And then she met you,” Garrus said.

“And then I met her,” Thane said as if it were a correction. “I was assigned to work on the project by the Hanar. I have Kepral's Syndrome, so they assumed they might as well contribute a dead man to the project. I lost my wife several years ago and lost touch with my son, so I was operating on, as they say, auto-pilot. Until Shepard. Just seeing her was enough in the beginning. We were compatible, but it’s not easy to drift with a drell.”

“Yeah, tell me about that, real quick.”

“Our memories don’t fade. They’re always vivid, and we can escape into them. When you drift with a drell, sometimes you can get caught in ours, and the details are so real, you can forget where you are. However, we can also accidentally amplify your own memories, so it’s easy to, as they say, chase the rabbit.”

“So Shepard relived the moment when Williams died.”

“Exactly,” Thane said. “She was determined we were going to work together. She said, ‘There’s no one else I’m going to be with.’ It took us two weeks to pull each other out of each other’s memories. It was hard not to fall for her. I saw her life in great detail. She saw mine. We worked through each other’s hardships and tragedies. We relived happy moments together. And we created new ones.”

“And Kaidan was pissed because some alien sweeps her off her feet when she’s supposed to be dating him,” Garrus said.

Thane nodded. “Six months pass. Just me and her, and the Geth and Kaiju and Reapers. She knows I only have maybe a year left in me, but she’s determined to fill that last year with victories and happiness. Then Kaidan Alenko suddenly shows up, saying he’s seen the work they’ve been doing, and he left his former position and wants to help. He demands to be paired up with Shepard again.

“Shepard tries to explain to him that it’s just not going to happen. They’ve broken up. She’s drifted with a drell. It won’t be the same when they drift again.”

“Wait, how won’t it be the same?” Garrus asked.

“Ah, yes, sorry. I would have mentioned it before we drifted. Because I amplify the memories, it can be overwhelming to a new pilot to be thrown in with someone who has these extremely vivid memories. You will also carry my memories with you for a good amount of time, so the pilot has to sort not only through yours, but also mine, and on an extremely amplified scale. And, because you are not actually a drell, sometimes the memories can be jumbled and you will be unable to hold back. It can be a very painful process for both pilots. So you’ll be limited to extremely capable Asari pilots, drell pilots, or anyone who’s drifted with a drell before. For someone who hasn’t drifted with a drell before, drifting with someone who has drifted with a drell is harder than just drifting with a drell. It’s extremely difficult, and in most cases it is not worth the time.”

“But Kaidan managed it,” Garrus said.

“Yes, he is extremely stubborn,” Thane said. “So Kaidan is trying to piece all of this together. He doesn’t remember breaking up with her. He doesn’t understand, not right away, that she’s my partner in more than one sense of the word. He gets extremely angry. Says he threw away his career to pursue this. Says he’ll be a laughing stock if he comes back. He’s livid.”

“How does Shepard react?”

“She is not livid,” Thane said. “I realized in that moment that she still loved him. She was patient. She let him scream and work through it. She tried to remain calm. She apologized for the misunderstanding. So I pulled her aside after he stormed off. I told her she needed to go to him, if he’d take her back. What was the point in dating me who’d be dead soon enough when she clearly had someone else who loved her and who she loved? It was foolish to throw that away for a dying man.”

“You’re a better man than me, Thane,” Garrus said with a chuckle. “What did Shepard say?”

“Then she finally got angry,” Thane said. “Eyes sharp. Scowl firm. Body tense. She told me I was a fool and they’d have to pry her hands off of my coffin. I told her we could either end things amicably or I would simply terminate the relationship and she could steam about it.”

“So she chose the amicable route,” Garrus said.

“She wasn’t ready to lose me completely,” Thane said. “And neither of us were certain that she could drift with Kaidan - or if he’d take her back.”

“But he obviously did.”

“It took three weeks of training,” Thane said. “An entire month where Kaidan had to not only wade through my memories, but her memories of being in love with me. I hardly blame him for being unkind to me. He feels threatened, and he’s reminded of our relationship so frequently, it’s hard not to be. He was determined to get her completely back, and she worked just as hard for them to work together.”

“But Shepard’s one of the few pilots who’s controlled a Jaeger designed for two pilots on her own,” Garrus said. “Couldn’t that have contributed?”

“Between you and me, I think so. Shepard was exhausted after their first missions together. She would sometimes come to me with nosebleeds and headaches-”

“Hold on, she still came back to you? After the temper tantrum Kaidan threw? After you told her to get lost?”

Thane shrugged. “We are still in love. We hide our conversation from Kaidan by making them look like old memories. She still needs someone to talk to from time to time.”

“You’re using the present tense a lot,” Garrus said.

“It still happens a lot,” Thane said. “It’s nothing inappropriate. We haven’t cheated on him-”

“It sounds like emotionally she has,” Garrus said.

“He won’t discuss Williams’ death,” Thane said. “And who is she going to approach to complain about him?”

“I heard she was close to Dr. T’Soni,” Garrus said.

“Yes, but how can you complain about someone who is regularly in your head?”

“Complain to someone that that person doesn’t want to see,” Garrus said with a nod. “All right, I get it. It’s none of my business anyway. So this thing about not being able to drift with anyone else-”

“I don’t think you will perceive it as an issue,” Thane replied.

“But you’re dying. I mean, if you were a long term partner, okay, I’d get it, but-”

“You will be able to drift with other people who have drifted with drell. In fact, in some cases it can be easier since you both already have enhanced memories.”

“Shepard.”

Thane smiled.

“Is that why she didn’t want me to drift with you?”

“Oh no,” Thane said with a laugh. “She’s worried about me. They thought I had a year left to live when I met her. She helped reunite me with my son. She breathed life back into me. It’s been a year and six months. I’ve been having some issues breathing, but nothing I can’t handle. She’s worried I’ll use up too much energy trying to drift with you and piloting the Jaeger.”

“She’d rather you be alive and stagnant than dying and fighting.”

“Love does foolish things to people,” Thane replied. “I was afraid to die when we were together. I was afraid of leaving her alone without me. But now she has Kaidan. She has Dr. T’Soni. She has Joker and Admiral Anderson. Even the Krogans are here. I think she’ll like the new recruits just fine too. I will continue to fight, however. The galaxy still needs me.”

“It’ll be an honour to be your co-pilot, Thane.”

“I feel the same way,” Thane replied. He pointed up to it. “And this is the Jaeger you brought with you?”

“Yeah,” Garrus said. “Alenko was right. Not exactly the height of Turian technology.”

“We’ll make it work,” Thane said. “Let’s try.”

The pair went up into the Jaeger, and Shepard watched from the sidelines as the two prepared to drift. The Turian technician monitored their activity as they joined. Garrus found himself immediately thrown into a memory. Shepard, clad in black lingerie, straddled Thane and kissed him. Garrus felt it on his lips. He breathed in her smell. He could feel her against him.

“Thane, I’m struggling here.”

He thought he was thrown back into the ship. He turned and saw Thane next to him, but when he looked out the window, he only saw space. “It’s running away,” he said, pointing to a kaiju in the distance.

“We don’t go after it,” Thane said.

“It’s just one,” Garrus said. “We go forward and take it out before it calls for reinforcements.”

“I want it on the record that I think this is a terrible idea,” Thane said.

“Garrus Vakarian doesn’t run away from a fight.”

When Garrus looked at Thane again, he saw his former partner. He looked at the Turian for a moment, confusion settled in as a Reaper beam split the Jaeger in half. He saw the Turian split neatly apart. Blood pooled into droplets through space.

“Garrus,” the dead Turian said. “Concentrate.”

Thane’s voice.

Garrus pulled out to see Thane embracing his son. He felt his son’s skin beneath his fingers. He breathed in the smell. He felt his son’s arms around him.

Garrus knew he was wearing a helmet, though he couldn’t feel it. When he tried to pull it off, he found himself back in the Jaeger with his dead partner. “I can’t get out,” Garrus said. “Thane, what do I do? Thane?”

Garrus found himself lunged forward to when he sparred with Shepard. He noticed details he didn’t even see when he sparred with her the first time. Beads of sweat on her forehead. A smile in the corner of her lips. A broken blood vessel in her left eye. She knocked him over and straddled his waist. He tried to pull his helmet off again as she kissed him.

He found himself back in the Jaeger with Thane. Was it real?

“Am I out?” he asked.

“You’re out,” Thane said.

“Were you getting lost or was I?” Garrus asked. “I kept seeing your memories.”

“You were seeking out comfort and accidentally pulled my memories instead of your own,” Thane said. “You didn’t know you were doing it. It’s very common with drell.”

“So I have to navigate all that before I can see clearly?”

Shepard’s voice on the intercom: “How was your first experience with Thane?”

Remnants of Thane’s memories washed over him. Her hot breath on his shoulder. Her skin against his. It was strange seeing Shepard like that. He admired her, certainly, and he’d gotten caught up in the media’s obsession with her. The poster girl when the Jaeger program started. The human who took down the first Reaper. He’d admired her strength and her polite apathy towards the media. A crush on her was common among the Turian Jaeger pilots, even if she didn’t have much physically appealing about her. She was tough and determined. She promoted the military. She didn’t take shit from anyone.

But seeing her through Thane’s eyes was different. She understood the cost of war. She knew when to grieve and when to push it behind her. He saw her as another person rather than as a poster in some Turian’s bunk. It was strange, but he admired her all the more for it.

“I can do this, Commander,” he said.

“You can turn back,” Shepard said. “No one would blame you.”

“I’ll make it work,” Garrus said.

“I’d recommend seeing Dr. T’Soni for advice if you struggle. Her co-pilot is a drell as well.”

“You’re not going to offer me any advice, Commander?”

“I think you’d be too distracted talking to me face to face after wading through Thane’s memories,” the Commander said with a laugh. “But by all means, if you struggle, my door’s open.”

Shepard closed the channel. Garrus said to Thane, “I’ll talk to Dr. T’Soni. See if I can figure out where to start. What was it like for you? Did you have to live through the memories again?”

“Yes and no,” Thane said. “When you were in my memories, it was as if there was an additional screen that replayed the memory that I could ignore. When you pulled me into yours, then I had to struggle to get out. But you got out quickly.”

“So no advice from you?”

“I don’t know what it’s like,” Thane said with a sheepish smile. “Shepard didn’t talk a lot about the process. She just pried into my life a lot.”

“And I already did that earlier,” Garrus said. “Can you show me the way to Dr. T’Soni?”

“Of course,” Thane said. “I will drop you off and then wait for you in the Med Bay.”

Garrus and Thane chatted idly as they made their way through the ship, and Garrus tried to stay aware of his surroundings so he could navigate the Shatterdome without him. Thane excused himself when they reached the lab. When Garrus entered, he noticed an Asari reading through books while a drell sat some distance away, examining kaiju parts. “Dr. T’Soni?” Garrus asked the Asari.

“Oh hello? Yes that’s me,” she said with a warm smile. “Are you Garrus Vakarian?”

“Yes.”

“You can call me Liara,” she said. “Shepard mentioned you’d be coming to get advice on drifting with a drell.”

“Are you two not pilots anymore?” Garrus asked. “I didn’t see a Jaeger for you.”

Liara and the drell exchanged looks. “Shepard thinks Feron and I are more valuable analyzing data. We’re more focussed on looking into the Reaper lore and gathering information on Cerberus. Anyway, sit down here and I can help you cheat.”

“Cheat?”

“If I give you my memories of learning how to drift with a drell, then you’ll be able to drift with Thane much quicker.”

“But Thane said it took Shepard two weeks to learn how to drift with him,” Garrus said.

“Shepard was stubborn and wanted to learn on her own,” Liara said. “It wasn’t quite as time-sensitive back then as it is now. I realize you want to impress her and learn on your own, but you can impress her by accepting my help.”

“Is it really that easy?” Garrus asked. “Why didn’t she send me to you before we even started?”

Feron chuckled and Liara smirked. “She probably wanted you to know how hard it was to impress you,” she said. “If you got my memories from the get-go, you’d think it was a cinch.”

“She’s been doing this to me from the start,” Garrus said. “Although, I’ll admit, I push back.”

“She’s just angry the Turian army didn’t give us anything else,” Liara said. “The Asari and the Salarians didn’t either. It looks bad when the Council races barely support this operation.”

“But the Asari think they have this under control. They’re excellent Jaeger pilots because they all go through the same training and can exchange memories before they drift.”

“It’s much easier for Asari to find pilots with each other - and fairly easy for them to find pilots in other species,” Liara agreed. “Even so, they can’t continue to ignore what’s happening to the rest of the galaxy. We’re trying to find a long-term solution. The kaijus continue to grow stronger, and we’re seeing more and more Reapers. It can take two or three Jaegers to take one of them down.”

“So you’re angry with the Asari too?”

“I’m frustrated mostly,” Liara said. “And frustrated we can’t do more to help. Come here, let me share my memories with you. Close your eyes.”Garrus closed his eyes and heard Liara say, “Embrace eternity.”

He saw flashes of Feron through Liara’s eyes. Fragmented memories. His stomach turned and Liara released him. The memories settled into the back of Garrus’ mind, and Liara rubbed her head as she leaned back in her chair. “There’s something I’m missing,” Garrus said. “Why aren’t you two pilots?”

Liara didn’t reply, and Feron said, “I was recently captured and tortured over a period of several months. The Commander, Major Alenko, and Liara came to save me in a Jaeger, but Liara and I are having a hard time becoming drift compatible again. I’m afraid the memories of my torture has also tainted Liara’s mind. She tried drifting with Shepard afterwards as an experiment, only to subject Shepard to those memories as well. Luckily they didn’t linger with Shepard as they do with Liara.”

“It’ll be a lot of work,” Liara said, “but we’ll get through it.”

“I hope so,” Feron said.

“Sorry,” Garrus said. “I didn’t mean to dredge it up - I thought you were hiding some kind of research breakthrough.”

“Hardly,” Liara said with a smile. “All we know is that the Reapers have done this before. Try drifting with Thane again and return to me if you continue to struggle.”

“I will. Thank you, Liara.”

Garrus started to leave, but Liara said, “Oh, and Garrus?” When he turned around, Liara continued, “Try not to get too caught up in his memories of Shepard.”

Garrus cleared his throat. “That’s not - I’m not paying attention to them.”

He heard Liara and Feron snickering to each other as he left. Garrus started walking down the hallways as he realized he had no idea where the Med Bay was. There were several maps posted - Garrus assumed they often had new recruits - but he still struggled to find his way. He noticed the door to one of the lounges open and spotted Shepard and Kaidan.

Kaidan had his arm around Shepard, and she leaned her head onto his shoulder. They looked out into the stars together. “It’s going to be okay, Shepard,” he said. “Nothing’s going to happen to Thane.”

“We can’t lose anyone else.”

“We’re not going to let that happen, okay? Our top priority is keeping our team safe. They can fight the Reapers and the Kaiju and, hell, the Geth too. But we’ll make sure to pull them out or out of the way if things go wrong. If anything happens to Garrus’ Jaeger, you have to believe I’m not going to hesitate to save Thane.”

“I believe you.”

“I know I’m an asshole about this,” Kaidan said. “I just - it’s hard seeing how much you love him and feeling that love too, but I care about him. I’m just not good at showing it.”

“That’s fine,” Shepard said with a laugh. “You can be an asshole to everyone Kaidan, I don’t care, so long as you’re there for them when it counts.”

“You know I will be. You know I can’t lose anyone else either.”

Garrus noticed some Salarians walking around the corner and he stopped eavesdropping to keep walking. He made a mental note to cut Kaidan some slack. He had only dived into Thane’s memories for a moment, and he was already jealous of Thane and Kaidan for having Shepard. Hell, he was jealous before he had even drifted.

He saw a tech lab and recognized the two ex-Cerberus pilots and the Salarian from the Krogan/Salarian pilot team inside. There was another man with them. He walked in to hear the woman say, “We took some technology from the Cerberus labs. Along with the Reaper IFF, we also grabbed an AI meant to be installed into a Jaeger.”

“Yeah, not interested in that AI,” the unfamiliar man said.

They all turned to look at Garrus. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m Garrus Vakarian.”

“You’re the one trying to drift with the drell,” the unfamiliar man said. “I bet Shepard didn’t even tell you Liara can help you skip the hard stuff.”

“Yeah - I don’t know who you are.”

“They call me Joker. Shepard’s tech.”

“I’m Miranda, and this is my co-pilot Jacob.”

“Hey,” Jacob said.

“Mordin,” the Salarian said.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt, but I can’t find the way to the Med Bay,” Garrus said.

“Right here, but one floor up,” Joker said. “Good try though, buddy.”

“It must be a real pleasure for Shepard to have you in her ear all the time,” Garrus said. “Thanks for the directions.”

“Hope you don’t have any trouble getting there with that stick up your ass.”

“Next time give me something I haven’t heard before,” Garrus replied as he left.

As he left the tech lab, he wished he hadn’t announced his presence so quickly. An AI from Cerberus? He wondered if they would try to install it. Joker hardly seemed interested in using it, and Garrus hardly blamed him. Would it send information back to Cerberus? And what was Shepard going to do with a Reaper IFF?

He took the stairs up to the Med Bay and found Thane relaxing on one of the beds with his eyes closed. Garrus said, “Liara helped me cheat.”

“Do you wish to try again presently?”

“Yeah. If we can get this to work, I thought we could take it out and try a few practice shots together. Who knows when the next wave will come in. Are you busy?”

“No,” Thane said. “I was sorting through the memories you left in me.”

“Ah.”

“I suppose you don’t wish to discuss what happened to your previous partner?”

“He wanted to let the Kaiju go and head back to base, but I wanted to chase it down. When we chased it down, it led us to a Reaper. Sliced us in half. Left me for dead. Luckily, a team picked me and the Jaeger up before I ran out of oxygen. They pieced it back together. My co-pilot wasn’t so lucky.”

“So you blame yourself?”

“Sort of, yeah,” Garrus said. “He didn’t usually hold back like that. He must have sensed something wrong in his gut, and I should have respected that. I felt him get sliced in half too. I thought I was dead for a while. I guess you know all that already.”

“I do.”

“Have you ever lost a co-pilot?”

“No,” Thane said. “Shepard’s been my only co-pilot. I felt Williams’ death through her, but as vivid as her memories are inside of me, I doubt it’s the same.”

“Did she feel Willams die?”

“Yes,” Thane said. “It was when the Kaiju were suddenly getting larger, and the Alliance’s armor was too thin. They were cutting corners and creating thinner armor to produce more Jaegers, unaware that the Kaiju were slowly getting strong enough to tear through it.

“A Kaiju tore right through the armor and bit off a portion of William’s shoulder. She screamed, and Shepard - likely Williams too - pulled the Kaiju out. But as they pulled the Kaiju off, it took one more bite for Williams. I can still see her lower half just standing in the Jaeger. Shepard screamed and just ripped the Kaiju apart. The Alliance Jaegers were being massacred. Shepard gave up on using weapons and just beat them with the Jaeger’s fists, cursing and yelling the entire time.

“The Alliance sent a second wave of Jaeger’s in, but there was no reason to. Shepard had slaughtered everything. Kaidan and his co-pilot pulled Shepard out of her Jaeger and put her inside of theirs. There wasn’t much of her Jaeger left. Shepard’s nose and ears bled. She was in rough shape.”

“That sounds brutal,” Garrus said. “She was lucky.”

“She practically begged the Kaijus to kill her,” Thane said. “The Jaeger had no lower half left. One of its arms was missing too. It couldn’t move through space anymore. The Kaiju probably thought she was dead, left her alone, and didn’t bother to send another wave.”

“And Kaidan thought to check it?”

“Joker knew her vitals were still going,” Thane said. “Weak, but still moving. I obviously don’t remember this. It fades when she starts fighting the kaiju. Regardless, I remember Shepard and Kaidan talking beforehand. Shepard and Kaidan had switched places. He and his co-pilot were supposed to be in the first wave, but he’d eaten some bad fish the night before and was sick. Shepard switched places with him so he could wait until the medicine kicked in.”

“So he blames himself.”

Thane said, “I have not been inside his head, but I assume so. Shepard even told him not to eat the fish. She thought it’d been left out too long. She laughed at him the next day and played it off like a joke.”

“They had no idea the Jaeger’s armor would be useless?”

“It was just a routine mission,” Thane said. “Kaidan has no reason to feel guilty, but I can’t exactly go up to him and say that while I was digging around in Shepard’s memories I suspected he felt guilty for Williams’ death. He probably regrets ever letting Shepard drift with her. He was the one who pushed her to it.”

“I can’t say I blame him for wanting to put distance between him and Shepard after all that.”

Thane smiled weakly. “When I saw those memories, I just wanted to hold her in my arms and let her tell me everything. I wanted to be there to support her. What kind of person would leave her after she experienced that?”

“But she left Kaidan,” Garrus said. “She didn’t trust the Alliance anymore, which is why she came to work here. Kaidan needed the structure to grieve. He couldn’t abandon the only thing he believed in - the thing Williams died for. I understand why he stayed.”

“I suppose,” Thane said. “I suppose there are a lot of issues that we won’t be able to comprehend despite how vividly we experience those things firsthand. Shall we try to drift again?”


	2. Chapter 2

With Liara’s memories, it only took a few days for Garrus to fully grasp drifting with Thane. He still found patches of vivid, often confused memories, but he learned how to push them aside. Sometimes he’d feel Shepard’s breath on his cheek or her arms around his chest. Sometimes he could hear Kolyat speaking to him. Sometimes he saw a flash of Irikah’s sunset eyes. 

It was easier to push aside his own memories, and he wondered what memories - if any - lingered with Thane. He hardly wanted to admit how much Thane’s memories of Shepard clung to him. Some of the others teased him or referred to it in passing, but it was always intended as friendly ribbing. He couldn’t exactly say to Thane that he worried he began to care too much about Shepard.

He suspected Shepard was avoiding him, but he also thought it could easily be that he just avoided her.

They went on several small, routine missions and spent time simply training. Thane seemed to live in the Med Bay, and most of the drell’s downtime was spent there with his eyes closed. Garrus was more inclined to spend time with the other pilots, but he couldn’t quite decide what to say to them.

Garrus learned his way around the Shatterdome and spoke to Kelly often. Tali and Kasumi also took time to talk to him, but they mostly talked shop. He also noticed he was missing credits whenever he spoke with them, and he suspected one of them or both of them practiced pick-pocketing on him. 

He learned the hours the lounge was mostly empty, and walked into it one night to grab himself a drink. He leaned against the bar and stared out the window, and when he looked down, he noticed Kaidan sitting on one of the couches. A memory hit him, and he could almost feel Kaidan’s arm around him. His stubble against his cheek.

Some of Shepard’s memories lingered in Thane and spread to him, but they were rarely strong and hardly stayed with him. The memory jostled his thoughts. What could he say to Kaidan?

“Sorry,” Garrus said. “I didn’t see you there.”

“It’s all right,” Kaidan said. “I was playing poker with Vega and Massani. They cleaned me out. You should join us next time.”

“So they can clean me out too?”

“I could use an ally,” Kaidan said, “if only so I don’t have to back away in defeat alone.”

“Shepard didn’t join you?”

“She has a lot of responsibilities aside from being a pilot. I guess the ex-Cerberus pilots have this AI, and Tali and Mordin and the Geth are looking at it, trying to decide if they can install it into a Jaeger without risking it transmitting information back to Cerberus. She has to make plans for how we destroy the Reaper base behind the Omega 4 Relay. And then she has to talk to press, talk to Anderson about battle plans - you know what it’s like. She hates the politics, but she’s the face of it all. She can’t ignore them.”

“So no time for poker.”

“No time for poker,” Kaidan said with a chuckle. “Though I suppose she’s not missing out much if they cleaned her out like me.”

“Definitely invite me next time,” Garrus said. “They say Turians have a hard face to read - at least, they do to humans.”

Kaidan laughed. “Good point. I’ll pass it along.”

The two let silence hang between them for a moment. Garrus took another drink and looked out the window. Kaidan said, “How’re things going with Thane?”

“Good,” Garrus said. “Rocky at first, but smoothed out quickly.”

“Sorry I didn’t mention Liara right away,” Kaidan said.

“I pissed you off, I get it. Shepard wanted to teach me some humility too.”

“It’s strange drifting with Shepard now,” Kaidan said. “We always had to be careful before not to get lost in our memories, but now the danger is getting sucked into each other’s. And I can’t believe the details. There’s no murkiness or uncertainty. Everything is crystal clear.”

“Do you find you remember details you didn’t even remember the first time around?” Garrus asked. “Beads of sweat on a forehead. The crunch of metal as a Reaper beam slices through it.”

“Yeah, it’s unsettling.”

“I really have to thank Shepard for talking me into drifting with a drell,” Garrus said with a laugh.

“You would have been pissed if she’d benched you.”

“This is definitely an improvement over being benched,” Garrus said.

They stayed in silence again. It grew uncomfortable for Garrus; he continued to feel Kaidan against him. Light touches. A sharp gasp. He tried to focus on other topics of conversation, and he remembered talking to Thane about Ashely Williams. “I know it’s none of my business,” Garrus said, “but I saw Williams’ death through Thane and the events leading up to it. None of it was your fault - and I get not wanting to follow Shepard. It’s hard to leave the security of something as structured as the Alliance, especially when Williams believed in it.”

“You’re right,” Kaidan said. “It’s none of your business. And I don’t care how vividly you saw things - you weren’t there. You didn’t see it. You didn’t have to pull Shepard out of that Jaeger knowing she’d just tried to kill herself in action. You didn’t have to watch her leave even though you begged her to stay. Everyone sees her as this hero, like she’s already saved the galaxy, but I see her as the regular human. She’s weak and she’s flawed. I can’t treat her like some warrior goddess, and she doesn’t want me to.”

Garrus replied, “I shouldn’t have said anything. You just seem broody and I thought-”

“You thought you’d bring a fresh perspective straight from the drell’s mind. I get it. Everyone has an opinion after events happen, but when they’re going on, no one has a fucking clue what they’re doing.”

“You’re damn right about that.”

“How often do you think about your old co-pilot?”

The alarm sounded through the Shatterdome and its VI reported, “Kaiju forces on radar. Available pilots please report in at the docking bay.”

“Oh shit,” Kaidan said. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Just this,” Garrus said.

“I’ve had a bit more to drink,” Kaidan said. “Give me a hand up.”

Garrus offered a hand, and Kaidan pulled himself up. Kaidan stumbled, and Garrus steadied him with an arm about his shoulder. His heart pounded louder than the alarms as he looked at him. He internally cursed Shepard. “Are you going to be all right to do this?” Garrus asked.

“Yeah, fine,” Kaidan said. “Shepard’s stone sober, and she’d be able to hold this much anyway. She’ll counteract everything.”

Garrus and Kaidan charged up to the docking bay, and the other pilots were getting suited up. Kaidan grabbed his suit next to Shepard and grinned at her. The smile faded quickly as she started to put on her helmet. He stopped her. “What’s that on your temple?”

“What?” Shepard asked.

“There’s a rashy patch.”

“Probably dried skin,” Shepard said.

“It’s a rash.”

“You’re drunk,” Shepard said. “Just get on your armor so we can get going.”

Kaidan grabbed the front of Thane’s suit to pull him close as he snarled, “Was she with you in the Med Bay?”

“We need to focus on the mission ahead of us,” Thane said, keeping his eyes firmly on Kaidan. “We’re looking at dozens of Kaijus headed out way.”

“Neither of you are saying no,” Kaidan said.

Shepard pushed Kaidan away from Thane and then grabbed the edge of his armour to force him to look her in the eye. “If you don’t drop this, I’m going to bench Vakarian and go on with Thane. Do you hear me, Alenko?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Are you fit for duty, soldier?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Then finish getting suited up.”

Thane motioned for Garrus to follow him, leaving Shepard and Kaidan alone. Before Kaidan put his helmet on, Shepard stopped him. “We okay?”

“Yeah.”

She cupped his cheeks in her hands, and he smiled weakly as she stared into his black eyes. She looked forward to after the Kaiju were killed, when she could pull him into her cabin and kiss him. She hoped he moderated his drinking enough that he’d still be able to get it up. “We’re going to keep everyone safe, right? And we’re going to kick some ass.”

Kaidan smiled. “You’re damn right, Shepard.”

She pecked his lips as he hugged her tightly. When they parted, they put their helmets on and headed towards their Jaeger. Shepard and Kaidan got into position and drifted with ease. Shepard felt her stomach turn at Kaidan’s intoxication. “How much did you have to drink?” she asked.

“You should ask Zaeed and James,” Kaidan said. “A lot. You can hold your liquor though.”

“You’re lucky I can,” Shepard said.

She turned on her intercom and heard the other teams over it. The female Krogan and Mordin’s team placed bets with Wrex and Grunt over who would take out the most. Vega chimed in, “And what do we get if we beat both of your asses?”

The female krogan said with a laugh, “A miracle from one of your human gods.”

Shepard could see Tali and Kasumi’s Jaeger shifting its weight from one foot to the other. Shepard said over the intercom. “We’re opening the doors. Watch each other’s backs out there. We’re not going to let these kaiju take any one of us down.”

After several whoops from the other pilots, Shepard said, “All right, head out!”

The Jaegers left the Shatterdome, and Shepard glanced at their radar as they moved through space towards the kaiju. It looked like they were aiming for one of the surrounding planets, but they would try to stop them before they could land. Tali and Kasumi made the first hit. Their Jaeger was silent and difficult to detect. They had it painted a dark blue, difficult to see in space when their thrusters were off. They killed the first Kaiju with ease, and it brought the monster’s attention to the small group of Jaegers.

Kaidan reacted quickly alongside Shepard as they met the Kaijus with the others. Shepard kept an eye on Garrus’ and Thane’s Jaeger as she and Kaidan sliced through another Kaiju. Both pilots worried about Thane, and they struggled to keep the memories of him at bay to concentrate on the mission. They fired as one tried to jump onto Thane and Garrus’ back.

“Thanks Shepard,” Thane said.

“We’ve got your back too,” Garrus added.

Shepard scanned the other Jaegers to make sure no one needed additional assistance before her and Kaidan pursued another Kaiju. As they drove the sword in, the monster’s goopy blood splattered across their visor. 

Tali’s voice: “One’s headed through the mass relay.”

Mordin replied, “Might call reinforcements.”

Shepard checked the radar. There were only a few kaiju left, and she knew the Jaegers would be fine.

“Got it,” Shepard said. “Thane. Garrus. Follow us.”

“Yes Commander,” Thane replied.

“We clear, Joker?”

“Looks like it Commander. Go ahead.”

Shepard and Kaidan, who were closest to the relay, shot through it. The Kaiju pounced on them as soon as they were through. “Shit,” Kaidan said.

They tried to pull the Kaiju off of them and fired into its stomach. It squirmed away from the shots and head-butted into the visor. The visor cracked.

“It’s getting through,” Kaidan said. “How?”

“Maybe their blood,” Shepard said. They shot at the kaiju again as it continued to head-butt against the glass. The arm with the sword kept the kaiju away from the Jaeger’s body. “Any suggestions?”

“Maybe grab its tail?”

“All right.”

They grabbed the Kaiju by the tail, feeling its claws tear through the Jaeger. Lights started to flicker with gentle beeps informing them of critical damage being done to the unit. “Shit,” Kaidan said. “That blood’s doing a number on us.”

Joker said, “Commander, you don’t want to pull it down any further or it’ll start clawing through the area protecting the oxygen tanks. It might take a while for it to get through but-”

The kaiju head-butted them again.

“We can’t take that risk,” Shepard said. She asked, “Garrus? Thane?” When they didn’t respond, Shepard said, “Joker, are they through the relay?”

“Yeah. It sounds like something is wrong with Thane,” Joker said. “He’s having trouble breathing - and I think they’re caught in the drift.”

“Send someone else through to help us,” Shepard said. “Not one of the Krogans. They need to stay there.”

“Zaeed and James just volunteered,” Joker said.

The Kaiju broke through the glass. “Tell them to hurry,” Shepard said.

“There’s more Kaiju on radar,” Joker said.

“Fuck,” Kaidan said. The Kaiju’s head pried its way into the Jaeger’s head, with pieces of the visor cutting through its flesh. He pulled his heavy pistol off the back of his armor and fired into its eye. “Son of a bitch.”

“Watch out for the blood,” Shepard said. “Kaidan, step out for a second. I’ll control the Jaeger. You get into a better position for a clear shot.”

“You sure, Commander?”

“I can do this,” Shepard said.

Kaidan broke away from the drift and Shepard took a deep breath as she gripped the Kaiju about the waist and tried to yank it from its position. Kaidan continued to fire at it as one of its limbs tore through the dashboard. The beeps, now swallowed in the silence of space, went off through her helmet, and the lights began flashing in the interior.

“Where’s Zaeed and James?” Shepard asked.

“They’re coming,” Joker said.

“Shepard-”

The kaiju gripped Kaidan just as Shepard managed to yank it off the Jaeger. “Fuck,” Shepard screamed. “Son of a fucking bitch.”

Kaidan said, “It’s got a tight grip, Shepard.”

“I can barely see out the visor,” Shepard said. “God damn it.”

She gripped the Kaiju about the throat and sliced off the limb holding onto Kaidan. The Kaiju’s mouth opened as if to screech as its back claws kicked at the Jaeger’s chests. “Shepard, that Jaeger is really taking a beating,” Joker said.

“Didn’t you assholes install enough sirens to tell me that?” Shepard snapped. “Kaidan, talk to me.” When he didn’t respond, Shepard repeated, “Kaidan!”

She drove the sword into the Kaiju’s chest and drew it up to its face, splitting it in half.

“Calvary’s here,” James said.

“Shepard, we’ll pry the Kaiju off Garrus and Thane’s unit. Looks like you have yours under control,” Zaeed said.

Shepard grabbed the limb that held Kaidan and looked towards Garrus and Thane’s Jaeger. She watched the Kaiju try to head-butt in like hers had, but this one gave her no resistance. It pried off the Jaeger’s visor. “Garrus,” she said. “Garrus, you have to concentrate and get the hell out of there.”

She took aim and fired at the Kaiju as Zaeed and James followed suit. The kaiju kicked through the oxygen tanks as Zaeed and James shot it off the unit. “Fuck,” Shepard said. “You guys keep that Kaiju away. I’m going to try to get Garrus and Thane out of there.”

“There’s something else on radar,” Joker said.

“I can’t even see my radar anymore,” Shepard said, moving towards the other Jaeger. “Garrus, have you gotten your shit together yet?”

“Commander?”

“Garrus I need you to talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Thane’s - Thane’s hyperventilating or something. His eyes are open but I don’t think he’s conscious.”

“Garrus, I’m coming to get you. Both of you are running out of oxygen - and fast.”

“What are you going to do?”

“It’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to grab Thane and push yourself over to my unit,” Shepard said. “After you hook Thane up to my oxygen tank, you’re going to pry Kaidan out of this Kaiju’s hand. Then you’re going to buckle in Kaidan and drift with me.”

“My memory of human biology might be a little rusty, but you need oxygen too, right?”

“My suit has enough oxygen to get us back to the Shatterdome. I don’t know if Thane’s does, and I don’t want to take that risk. You’ll have enough to get over here, right?”

“Yes,” Garrus said. “I’ve already got Thane. Is your visor broken too?”

“Yeah.”

“Then get as close as you can and I’ll hop through.”

Shepard wrapped one of her Jaeger’s arms around the other’s waist, pulling it close. She propped their foreheads together, and she could see Garrus holding onto Thane. He leapt over the space in between and slid in.

She released the other Jaeger and pulled the Kaiju’s severed limb against the empty windshield opening. “Vega? Massani? Hanging in?”

“It’s dead,” Zaeed said. “We’ll wait here until you’ve got everyone settled.”

“Joker, how’s the main team doing?”

“Fine, Commander,” Joker said. Garrus latched Thane into a seat built into the Jaeger and moved Shepard’s oxygen to him as Joker continued, “There’s been another wave of Kaiju, but they’re handling it fine. I told them about the acidic blood thing. Samara - the Justicar - is in the Geth’s unit and created a barrier, and that seems to be keeping the blood off. Miranda’s trying it with Jacob, but she’s having difficulty controlling the Jaeger and keeping up the barrier. We might need to put Biotics on every ship if that’s the next step for Kaiju.”

“But the others are all right?”

Garrus climbed up through the hole and cut off the Kaiju’s fingers holding onto Kaidan. Joker said, “They’re fine. Their oxygen tanks aren’t even exposed, and we’ve noticed the Kaiju have started aiming for where the oxygen tank was on Garrus’ model. Luckily, that’s not where they are anywhere else. But they are aiming for the visors. We’re going to see tons of damage to these Jaegers.”

“Commander, we’re going to have some trouble,” Zaeed said. “There’s something big on the radar.”

Garrus pulled Kaidan into the Jaeger and buckled him in. “Joker, if the other team can spare anyone-”

“On it,” Joker said.

Shepard could only smell blood as she turned her Jaeger to face the same way as Zaeed and James. “Garrus, get over here and drift with me.”

“Already on it.”

Shepard felt a jolt through her body as her and Garrus were suddenly in a different Jaeger. “Garrus, concentrate,” she said. “We don’t have time for this.”

She noticed a red light in the distance, and it started to slice through the Jaeger. “Garrus - you need to get us out of here.”

The beam sliced through the Jaeger, but before it could touch through her skin, she found herself sparring with Garrus. His eyes locked onto hers. They were sparring alone. Shepard realized Garrus was caught in one of Thane’s memories and he knocked her to her feet. He dropped to the ground in front of her, gripping her hips to pull her against him as he kissed her. Heat rose to her cheeks. She hadn’t expected kissing a Turian would be particularly interesting. Nuzzling against him, she murmured, “Garrus, concentrate. Get us out of here.”

She heard gunfire and they were back in the Jaeger. Reaper limbs coiled around their Jaeger. James screamed in her ear, “Commander? Commander?”

“Here,” Shepard said.

Garrus didn’t respond.

“I’m here, anyway,” she said. She tried to move the Jaeger’s arm up to the Reaper’s eye. It was like trying to swim through tar. “Garrus, Garrus listen to me. I need you.”

Joker yelled, “You need that Reaper off of you, now!”

She felt the gunfire from Zaeed and James into the Reaper’s back. Its red eye watched her with interest. It knew who she was. The room filled with red as it targeted. More blood crawled down her lips as her Jaeger’s hand pressed against the Reaper’s eye.

“Garrus?”

“I’m with you, Commander.”

The Jaeger’s hand suddenly gripped the eye and tore it out. They continued tearing into it with the Jaeger’s hands until more gunfire started over their shoulder.

“Sorry we’re late, Commander,” Tali said.

“We ran into a Kaiju before we even got through the relay,” Kasumi said. “It was trying to stop us.”

The limbs around the Jaeger grew relaxed as the Reaper slowly died. They kicked the Reaper off of them, and Tali said, “Our sensors report that it’s dead.”

“Shoot it a few more times, just in case,” Shepard said, through clenched teeth.

“I’m sorry I got lost, Shepard,” Garrus said.

“Later,” Shepard said.

Zaeed said, “Shepard, there’s something new on the radar. Something big.”

“That last one was something big,” Shepard said.

“Bigger,” Zaeed said. “We’ve gotta get through that relay. Can you even move, Shepard?”

Their Jaeger thrust forward, and they grabbed Garrus and Thane’s Jaeger. “We’re good to go,” Shepard said.

“Commander, go through first,” Tali said.

“Hell no,” Shepard said.

“You’re carrying injured,” Kasumi replied. “Go through, we’ll watch your back.”

“She’s right, Shepard,” Garrus said.

Cursing under her breath, Shepard and Garrus moved towards the relay. The other two Jaegers followed closely behind. They went through the relay, and when they reached the other side, Shepard could hear the voices of her companions on the other side. Mordin humming under his breath. Jacob cursing. Grunt and Wrex gleefully laughing.

Their voices were a relief. They were fine.

She was suddenly very aware of the lack of oxygen. She tried to keep her breathing regular and calm. The other two Jaegers successfully went through the relay. Tali said, “Commander, we’ll clean up here. Go back to the Shatterdome and get the others to safety.”

Joker said, “Commander, something’s coming through the relay.”

Garrus and Shepard turned to look as the relay lit up. A massive Reaper came through. They pulled out their gun.

“Shepard, go to the Shatterdome,” Tali said.

James said, “Get Alenko out of here.”

“We can still fight,” Shepard said, wheezing now. She smiled at Garrus and said, “Garrus Vakarian doesn’t back down from a fight.”

Garrus said, “Commander Shepard gets everyone home safe.”

Her smile faded as she looked at Garrus. He wore a helmet, but she felt his mind. Calm, determined. Not at all reckless like she originally thought.

“You’re right,” she said.

“You better move now, Commander,” Zaeed said.

Their Jaeger moved towards the Shatterdome, dragging Garrus’ old Jaeger with them, as the others started to fight the massive reaper. She listened to them organize an attack over the comm without her. They’d be fine without her. They could do this.

“Commander, you have to move,” Joker said.

“We can’t go any faster,” Garrus said. “Half the thrusters are gone.”

Shepard felt light-headed. She could taste the blood between her teeth, and her neck felt wet. She couldn’t smell anything other than her tinny blood. “Just keep going,” Shepard said. “Keep moving.”

“Shepard?” Garrus asked. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” she said through gritted teeth.

They lunged into the docking bay, throwing the Jaeger forward and using their thrusters. They dropped to the ground, cock-pit upwards, with Garrus’ Jaeger beside them. Shepard took off her helmet and breathed in. A medical team rushed towards them as Shepard looked out to see the other Jaegers fighting the reaper.

“Is that reaper moving towards us?” Shepard asked, shooing away a nurse.

“Shepard, go with the nurses. You’re bleeding.”

Shepard wiped her nose with her glove. “I’m fine,” she said, standing up. “Just a little light-headed.”

“Your ears are bleeding.”

“I’m fine,” Shepard repeated. “Anderson,” she shouted, “is that Reaper getting closer?”

“It’s moving faster than the Jaegers,” Anderson said. “It’s headed right for us. The automatic turrets should help - but get men in the manual ones. Aim for its eye.”

“They won’t be fast enough,” Shepard said. “Look at it move.”

She almost admired it. It flew through space without any resistance. Perfect. Quick. With fluid movements that were almost eloquent. The automated turrets started firing as its limbs reached out towards the Shatterdome.

“Get those Jaegers on it,” Anderson barked.

“Garrus, you behind me?” Shepard asked.

“Always.”

Shepard walked to the weapons bench and tossed him a heavy weapon. “Put your helmet on,” she said.

“Your suit hardly has any oxygen.”

“I can hold my breath,” she said.

She grabbed a heavy weapon and walked towards the barrier. Putting the helmet on, she nodded at Garrus. They walked through the barrier together as the Reaper approached. She could hear her companions talking on the comm, estimating how long it would take them to be there. She could see their reflection in the Reaper’s eye as it neared, tightening its limbs around edges of the Shatterdome. They and the entire docking bay turned red as it targeted. Shepard said, “You’re not getting anyone else, you son of a bitch.”

Shepard and Garrus fired at the same time. They unloaded their weapons. The Reaper backed away, protecting its eye as Shepard and Garrus reloaded. Shepard’s lungs screamed for oxygen. When the Reaper opened its eye, she and Garrus emptied another clip into it.

The Jaegers approached and the manual turrents started firing into the reaper. Shepard went back behind the barrier and took off her helmet, dropping to her knees and gasping for air. “Close the bay doors,” Anderson yelled. “Don’t let it reach in as it falls.”

Garrus kneeled beside her and rubbed her back. “I knew there was a reason I liked you, Shepard,” he said.

Shepard gave him a half-smile. She turned to see the Reaper fall off the Shatterdome as the bay door closed. “We got it,” she said under her breath.

The others in the building cheered as the Jaeger pilots’ voices filled the docking bay. They reported their activities on bringing the reaper down. Tali read off readings as it slowly died.

Garrus wrapped an arm around Shepard and helped her back to her feet. “Hear that? Everyone’s safe,” Garrus said. “Will you go to the Med Bay now?”

With a weak laugh that hurt her lungs, she said, “Even though I want to go, you might have to drag me there.”

“It would be my pleasure,” Garrus said with a smile.

Shepard shook hands and smiled at the officers and crew who stopped her to congratulate her. Several of the Turians patted Garrus on the back and congratulated him as well. When they finally reached the Med Bay, they were pretty much alone, with the exception of Dr. Chakwas, Kaidan Alenko, Thane Krios, and Kolyat.

Garrus walked to Thane while Shepard dropped into a seat next to Kaidan. Garrus watched as she gently held his hands, and she spoke quietly to him until Dr. Chakwas came to tell her about it.

Thane smiled in his oxygen mask as he saw Garrus, and Garrus shook Kolyat’s hand. “It’s nice to finally see you in person,” Garrus said.

“My father’s told me much about you,” Kolyat replied. “I’ll admit I worried about someone other than Commander Shepard piloting with him, but I saw the recordings of you pulling him out of that Jaeger. You protected him just as much as she would have.”

“That’s nothing. She gave up her oxygen for him.” Garrus patted Thane’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re all right. He is fine, right?”

Kolyat nodded. “No loss of blood. And while he experienced difficulty breathing, the oxygen pumping on him prevented any damage to his brain. His body was able to take in enough to keep him safe, though it didn’t quite keep him conscious.”

“So long as he’s safe,” Garrus said.

“He’s safe,” Kolyat said. “I saw how you and the Commander shot at the Reaper.”

“Shepard didn’t have any oxygen left in her suit,” Garrus said.

“Is a bad habit of yours constantly comparing yourself to the Commander?” he asked.

Thane laughed weakly and nodded. Garrus said, “She’s someone I aspire to be like.”

“It is bold enough going out to face a Reaper without a Jaeger or ship. You looked death in the eye and said you were not afraid.”

Garrus chuckled. “Shepard called it a son of a bitch.”

Kolyat gripped Garrus’ shoulder and shook it affectionately. “I will not forget the Turian that stood with her. I will not forget you pulling my father out of that Jaeger.”

“You’re a drell. You won’t forget anything.”

Kolyat looked Garrus in the eye and said, “I mean to say I am in your debt.”

“For saving your father who might be dead tomorrow anyway.”

“Yes.”

Garrus smiled. “You’re welcome.”

Kolyat gave Garrus a sharp nod.

Shepard approached. Garrus noticed a drastic change in her. Her posture lost all of his confidence, with her shoulders slack. The dried blood on her ears, upper lip, and down her chin hung on her face, as if she was too exhausted to even wipe it up. Her smile was weak, strained. As if it was too heavy for her to hold.

“Kolyat,” she said, weakly. “You came.”

“Arrived just as sirens went off,” Koylat said. “I had time to embrace my father before he left. Thanks to you and Garrus, I can hug him again.”

Shepard hugged Kolyat, and the drell awkwardly hugged her back. “It’s really nice to see you,” she said, holding onto his arms. “You look taller.”

“You always say that,” he said. “Sit down.”

Shepard sat down and said, “You always look like you’ve learned so much more from when I last say you - like you see the world in a new, exciting way.”

“You’re being foolish,” Kolyat said, though his chest puffed out proudly.

“How is he?”

“Fine,” Kolyat said. “He just needs the oxygen mask overnight. He’ll be fine.”

Shepard stroked Thane’s head. “I’m not going to come down here tomorrow morning and find you dead, am I?”

Thane shook his head and pulled Shepard’s hand into his own. She squeezed it. “How’s Kaidan?” Garrus asked.

“He’s unconscious, but he should be fine,” Shepard said. “Broken ribs and a broken arm from the way the Kaiju gripped him. Lucky I cut the Kaiju’s arm off before it squeezed.”

“Or unlucky, depending on whose perspective you’re looking from,” Kaidan said.

Shepard stood up. “Kaidan, we didn’t think you’d regain consciousness this quickly. You’re full of sedatives.”

Kaidan slurred as he said, “Didn’t want me to see you moony-eyed over your drell?”

“I want you to get better,” she said, approaching him. Kaidan tried to sit up, and Shepard pushed him back against the bed. “Relax.”

“No,” he said. “Why are you over there with him?”

“I was talking to Kolyat and making sure he and Thane were all right.”

“But I’m here,” Kaidan said. “Unconscious and broken.”

Garrus said, “She sat with you for long while. If it had been me in here, she would have taken a break to check up on me.”

“You’re dreaming,” Kaidan said. “You have the drell’s memories. Some of his love for her probably rubbed off on you. How many different species have to have memories of fucking you Shepard?”

“Kaidan, you have a lot of drugs in you,” Shepard said, “on top of the alcohol in your system. You’re not being rational.”

“Shepard, everything’s so clear right now,” Kaidan said, “and I’m so sick of competing for your affections. You know, when I was back working for the alliance, everyone talked about you and Thane. Everyone knew you and I had been together, and it makes sense now that everyone knew you were cheating on me with him.”

“I didn’t know you thought we were together,” Shepard said.

“Everyone was probably laughing at me behind my back,” Kaidan said.

Shepard tried to smooth out Kaidan’s hair, but he slapped her hand away. “I’m tired of everyone thinking you’re screwing around behind my back. I’m tired of sharing you.”

“Kaidan, we should talk about this somewhere private when you’re feeling better.”

Dr. Chakwas said, “I took his alcohol consumption in consideration when we medicated him. It might be making him a bit more hostile, but he shouldn’t even be conscious.”

“He’s a fighter,” Shepard said with a weak smile.

“But I’m not enough of a fighter for you, right?” Kaidan said. “You want a man who puts you on a pedestal and treats you like the hero everyone thinks you are. But I know you Shepard. I saw you when Ash died. You were covered in your own blood from controlling the Jaeger yourself. If the Kaiju didn’t tear you apart, you would have done that by controlling the Jaeger on your own. You’re not strong, Shepard.”

“You’re right, Kaidan. You know me best. That’s why I’m with you.”

“What about the rash?” Kaidan asked. “The rash I saw earlier.” When Shepard didn’t immediately reply, Kaidan said, “He kissed you, right? I know that rash. I remember it.”

Garrus noticed Thane close his eyes.

“When the sirens went off, I was in here saying hello to Kolyat. I told Thane not to come with us. I was worried about him. He kissed where you now see the rash and told me everything would be fine.”

“And you didn’t stop him.”

“Of course I didn’t.”

“Shepard, we’re done. I can’t do this anymore.”

“We’ll talk about this more when the medication is out of your system.”

“I’m done!” Kaidan said. “Shepard, I’m really fucking done this time. You hear that, right? We’ve broken up, okay? You can fuck whoever you want now. Liara. Garrus. Thane. Hell, even Kolyat or one of the Krogan. Whoever the fuck you want.”

“Okay,” Shepard said, quietly. “Okay, just relax.”

“I’ll relax when you’re out of here,” Kaidan said. “Fuck off.”

Shepard left quickly, and Kaidan tried to pull the curtain across his section. And Garrus looked away as Kaidan failed to pull it across. Dr. Chakwas came over to help him close the curtain and talked quietly to him as she entered to check on him. Garrus, Kolyat, and Thane exchanged looks. Kolyat sat down where Shepard originally sat. Garrus pointed to the direction Shepard went in to motion he was going to follow her. Thane nodded, and he reached up to squeeze Garrus’ hand. He squeezed it back.

Garrus jogged to try to catch up with her, but there were too many corridors she could have gone down. When he saw Vega, he stopped him. “Have you seen Shepard?”

“Yeah,” he said. “She’s in the lounge. She looks like a mess. She just stumbled in and Liara told everyone to get out. We were celebrating and everything - so we’re heading over to the starboard side to celebrate. You should join us. You did some amazing shit out there, man. You and Shepard standing out to face the Reaper alone was bad ass. And ripping out its god damn eye when you were in the Jaeger? That was something.”

“Yeah, I’ll catch up with you,” Garrus said. “I just want to check on Shepard.”

“Liara’ll probably just kick you out,” James said with a wave.

“You did a great job too,” Garrus shouted after him. “Thanks for coming and saving our asses.”

“Anytime, Vakarian,” James said with a laugh.

Garrus hurried towards the lounge and then slowed down as he neared it. He could hear Liara and Shepard talking. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without him,” Shepard said. “We’ll have to try drifting together again.”

“Shepard, we can’t. I can’t force Feron’s memories on you.”

“You’re right,” Shepard said. “And I don’t want you out there anyway. I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

“Shepard, you know I’m following you through the Omega relay. Feron and I are going to work this out.”

“I don’t know if we’ll make it back,” Shepard said.

“We either die together failing or we survive together succeeding,” Liara said. “What do you want to happen? Do you want me to hear over the intercom that you’ve failed and just wait for death? I’ll be at your side at the end, Shepard. No matter what.”

Shepard’s voice cracked as she said, “You’re right.”

Liara shushed Shepard, and Garrus could see Liara put her arm around Shepard as Shepard rested her head on Liara’s shoulder. They both faced the window, and Liara stroked Shepard’s hair as she held her. “You’ve just had a long day, Shepard,” she said. “The stress of the day is pouring out of you.”

“I hate being like this,” Shepard said.

“It’s better to let it out,” Liara replied. “Don’t worry. Besides, Garrus is a good pilot. You have someone else to work with.”

“He almost got us killed, Liara,” Shepard said. “If he had been a second later drifting with me, he would have killed all four of us.”

Garrus frowned and leaned back against the wall, making sure they couldn’t see him. He hadn’t thought of it that way. His last-second heroic grasp was less than exceptional. And he had lost himself in Thane before.

Liara said, “He hadn’t drifted with you before. Do you realize how quickly he adapted to you? Anyone else would have gotten you killed.”

“You wouldn’t have.”

“Surely you’re joking, Shepard. I definitely would have,” Liara said with a laugh. “And we’d be trapped in Feron’s memories going out. That would have been unpleasant.”

“I never should have drifted with Kaidan,” Shepard said. “It should have always just been you and me.”

“If we had done that, we never would have had the opportunity to get Anderson’s ball rolling. We’d still be fighting with the alliance, trying to ally the races instead of solving the problem. You’re just upset, Shepard. If Kaidan actually breaks up with you, and I doubt he will, Garrus will be a fine pilot. And Garrus will work with you while Kaidan recovers.”

Shepard didn’t reply right away. “When Garrus pulled me into his memories, there was one where Thane and I were training together. Thane knocked me to the ground and then crawled on top of me to kiss me. But it was Garrus, in his memories anyway.”

“You worry he’s falling for you?”

“I worry about Thane’s memories mixing him up,” Shepard said. “Hell, if he drifted with me, he might have grown feelings for Kaidan or Thane. It’s just embarrassing because Thane’s memories are so vivid. He knows me intimately, and I barely know him at all.”

“Well, you’ll get to know him soon enough.”

“I guess,” Shepard said. “How are you and Feron’s drifting going though? I haven’t asked in a while.”

“We’re making some progress,” Liara said. “We considered trying to block out the memories completely, but Feron feared they might come back in full force when we were put under pressure. So he’s trying to work through the pain so it’s less on me. It can’t be pleasant to revisit those memories, but it is getting easier to drift with him. It’s just getting over that first hurdle. After that, everything should be easy.”

Garrus cleared his throat as he entered the room. “Sorry for interrupting,” he said.

Shepard wiped her eye with the heel of her hand as she turned to face him. “It’s fine,” she said. “I suppose you asked someone where I was.”

“Vega was a little huffy you made them change the party room,” Garrus said with a chuckle. “I won’t stay long and crash your party though. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Thane and Kolyat were worried.”

“I’m fine,” Shepard said. “Just the stress of the day building up.”

Garrus sat on the coffee table in front of the couch. “I just wanted to mention something - if you don’t mind my talking about Thane professionally in front of Liara.”

“Liara hears everything anyway,” Shepard said, “go ahead.”

“He was having trouble breathing before we even got through the relay,” Garrus said. “He muted his comm so I couldn’t hear it, but I felt it in me. He’d been doing that on and off in training, but I didn’t really feel it, not until today when I realized the click was him muting because I started to feel my lungs burning. And then when we got through, he saw you with the Kaiju trying to tear into you, and we just weren’t moving fast enough. He froze. I assume he couldn’t breathe, like I said, he had turned off his comm. Next thing I knew, he had pulled me into his memories. It was a relief, actually, because I knew he was still alive. Took me forever to get out of that too, and I’m sorry.”

“Drells are very difficult to fight out of when they pull you in,” Liara said. “I’m impressed you managed at all.”

“I think he lost consciousness, to be honest,” Garrus said. “I just - I don’t think Thane is fit for duty. You were right from the beginning; I should have just waited on the bench until someone else came along. My eagerness to prove myself could have killed both of us. If I just waited on the bench, someone else would have followed you through the relay. Kaidan wouldn’t have been injured, and none of this would have happened.”

“I was definitely right about one thing,” Shepard said with a smile. “Humility looks good on you.”

Garrus smiled. “I am not often wrong, Shepard. But I was about this. Thane won’t be happy, and it’ll probably break his heart to hear that I said it, but you can’t put him back out there. I don’t think he realized how hard it would be - I don’t think he would have done it if he knew he’d put anyone in danger.”

“We might get lucky,” Shepard said. “Thane might say he can’t handle it. I don’t look forward to telling him to sit on the bench, but I won’t say anything about what you said.”

“You can, it might help him understand,” Garrus said.

“It’ll be best coming from me,” Shepard said. “I appreciate you being honest with me though. I shouldn’t have agreed to it. I just thought - I just wanted more Jaegers available. And now we have two that are totally destroyed.”

“You couldn’t have seen this coming,” Garrus said. “No one blames you.”

“Well no one blames you either,” Shepard said with a smile.

Shepard leaned back against Liara’s arm and rested her head on her shoulder arm. He remembered Kaidan accusing Shepard of being interested in Liara, and he suddenly felt out of place. “I’ll let you two return to it,” Garrus said, standing up.

“Garrus?”

“Yes Commander?”

“Good work on the field today,” Shepard said. “As far as I’m concerned, Thane, Kaidan, and everyone on the Shatterdome owe you their life.”

“Yes, thank you for that,” Liara said with a smile.

Garrus remembered what Kolyat said about competing too much with the Commander. So he simply said, “Thank you, Commander,” and left.

Normally his co-workers found him too cocky and confident, but he was in a new place with new allies and few, very few, friends. All of his experience felt like it wasn’t worth anything at all, and he needed to prove himself all over again. He resorted to professionalism around Shepard, and it reminded him that most of his memories of her were either from Thane or the media. They couldn’t chat and laugh like old friends – not yet.

Garrus didn’t join the others to celebrate. He simply returned to his room and relished in a few moments of solitude. He tried not to let Shepard’s words about how he didn’t drift quickly enough sink in. He clung to what Liara said - about how no one else could have done it.

He fell asleep thinking about how the Commander told him he did good work.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard awoke to a knocking on her cabin door. She heaved herself out of bed and realized she had fallen asleep in her clothes from the day before. She rubbed her neck and saw dried blood on her palm. She answered the door regardless. Kaidan stood in the doorway. His arm was in a sling, but his shirt covered the bandages on his chest. “Come on in,” Shepard said.

“Dr. Chakwas said I could go for a walk if I felt like it. I thought you’d be awake, but it looks like you slept in.”

“I think I forgot to set my alarm,” Shepard said, noticing the flash of new messages on her computer. “And I’m still pretty gross from yesterday. Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine. Listen, Shepard, about yesterday-”

“We don’t have to discuss it,” Shepard said. “You were full of medication and alcohol. You were angry. I get it.”

“Yeah, I want to apologize for humiliating you in front of everyone - or at least, everyone in the Med Bay - but I stand by what I said. I can’t - Shepard, I can’t do this anymore.”

Shepard’s shoulders slackened. She hoped her face hid how much it hurt to hear it. And it hit her that they wouldn’t kiss again. She’d never feel his arms around her again, pulling her out of a nightmare. She simply said, “All right.”

“I don’t want to compete for your attention. I don’t think - you’re not a weak person Shepard, I was just angry, and I don’t think you just want someone who sees you as a hero. But I’m always going to worry. I’m always going to wonder if your eye is wandering. I can’t be with someone where I don’t feel like I’m the top priority.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

Kaidan frowned and clenched his teeth. “That’s such a bullshit response and you know it. You’re not even addressing - you know what, Shepard. Just forget it. I’m sorry too, all right?”

“No, what were you trying to say, Kaidan?”

“Do you really not see how you’ve been treating me?”

“It’s not like I could avoid Thane for the rest of my life, Kaidan. I love you, but he’s an important part of it.”

“Why did you let him kiss you, Shepard? He didn’t kiss you because he’d feel better. He kissed you so you’d feel better. You never should have broken up with him if you still had feelings for him.”

“I still had feelings for you, Kaidan, and he broke up with me. He thought you were a better match for me.”

“That really doesn’t make me feel any better,” Kaidan said. “Listen, we’re not going to work through this. I can’t do it. And even not including Thane, sometimes I just feel like a part of your crew, like the little things for me you’d do for anyone on the team. You put time aside to make sure they’re happy and comfortable, and sometimes you make spending time with them a priority instead of spending time with me. I don’t mean sex either, I just mean, you know, sitting together. Relaxing. Talking. I don’t feel like I’m really yours.” 

“What am I supposed to do, Kaidan? Start treating my crew like shit?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. It’s not going to get any easier, either. Even after Thane passes away, I’m still going to have to face your memories of him. And you don’t let go easily, Shepard. I know you don’t. I see Ash inside of you every day.”

“You’re right,” Shepard said. “You’re right about that and you’re right it wasn’t fair to you, okay? I love you Kaidan, I really do, but I can’t ignore how I feel about Thane. And you weren’t there for me when I got Ash killed.”

“Shepard, you didn’t get Ash killed.”

“I know I could have saved her. If I’d been stronger. If I’d been more aware. If I’d reinforced the armor -”

“Shepard, you couldn’t have saved her.”

Shepard smiled weakly. “We’re just going to have to agree to disagree on that one, Kaidan. All right, we’ve broken up. We both are aware that it’s over. Can I shower and start my day?”

“Yeah. Yeah, all right.”

“I hope you feel better quickly. You’re a hell of a pilot, and I’m sure we’ll have a new batch of recruits soon for you to see if you’re compatible with them.”

“I don’t know about that,” Kaidan said, laughing awkwardly. “Listen, thanks for yesterday. I appreciate you saving my ass.”

“Garrus cut you out of its fingers.”

“You chopped of its arm controlling the Jaeger by yourself,” Kaidan said. “That’s something, Shepard.”

“I would have tried to do it for anyone on my team.”

“And I believe it,” Kaidan said. “I’ll let myself out.”

Shepard waited until Kaidan left and then pulled off her shirt. She looked forward to washing away all the blood and dirt from the day before.

*

Garrus had a restless sleep. Shepard haunted his dreams. He awoke constantly, thinking she was right next to him. He could taste her. For a second, he hated Thane for having her. Then he felt guilty and tried to go back to sleep.

So when he walked around the Shatterdome the following morning, he was short-tempered and grumpy. He didn’t appreciate Vega slapping his back in good morning. He didn’t appreciate the crew he didn’t recognize congratulating him for what he considered Shepard’s hard work. And he didn’t look forward to looking Shepard in the eye again when he could remember how all of her intimate places felt between his fingers.

“Garrus,” Joker said, “Get in here.”

Garrus complied without a word. Joker’s terminal overlooked the remnants of Shepard’s Jaeger, and he noticed his old Jaeger was present as well. Shepard leaned against the glass, drinking coffee from a thermos. She looked like she had a worse sleep from him, and when her eyes met his, he looked away.

Joker said, “Impressive, right?”

Garrus replied, “How much damage the Reaper and Kaijus did? Sure.”

“No,” Joker said. “Your Turian engineers and our human engineers are merging the parts of your old ship with ours to create some kind of super-Jaeger. It’s going to be great publicity - what we can do when we work together, especially since you and Shepard will be piloting it together. There’ve been news reports all night of you and Shepard shooting down that Reaper together. That girl Anderson lets broadcast from the Shatterdome – Allers – that Battlespace show of hers has a huge Turian following and she got some great shots of you two shooting that Reaper. And she’s showing shots of the new Jaeger’s construction. That lady knows what she’s doing. We’re getting a ton of Turian support.”

“Are we going to be pilots together?” Garrus asked Shepard. “There’s no prerequisite that I have to sleep with you first?”

Shepard choked on her coffee.

“Oh wow, I hope not,” Joker said. He turned in his chair to face Shepard. “Did you get me drunk and sleep with me first?”

“You piloted with Shepard?”

“Yeah, I was her first time,” Joker said, batting his eyelashes at Shepard. She winked at him. He said, “Drifting, anyway. We were super compatible, and Shepard knew I was the top of my class and requested to work with me. A lot of people were skeptical of how well I’d do because of my disease. At the time the Kaiju weren’t this big, so we didn’t feel a lot of resistance when we were piloting. When they started getting bigger, I broke my arm when it jumped on us. Shepard screamed it hurt so much.”

“Not proud of it,” Shepard said.

“We decided I couldn’t keep up with it,” Joker said. “The ride would only get bumpier, and I’ve been Shepard’s tech ever since. I’ll follow her to hell and back. Hopefully back.”

Shepard squeezed Joker’s shoulder lightly.

Garrus said, “Surely technology is at the point that you can protect yourself while in a Jaeger. Why give up as soon as the Kaiju start kicking?”

Joker laughed. “One, the Alliance would never shell out the money for the kind of suit and Jaeger I’d need to keep me protected. Two, you saw what happened yesterday, right? I mean, you were there. I’d be useless if I had to navigate outside of the Jaeger. I can’t move quickly. The kickback from a shotgun can break my arm. And I can’t pilot well in the suits they offer me for protection. Also, can I emphasize again how cheap the Alliance is? I may be a good Jaeger pilot, but they won’t think I’m worth the money it’ll cost to get me in the air.”

“So you just had to become the best damn tech instead,” Shepard said.

“Damn right,” Joker said. “Also, as far as I’m concerned, I’m still the best Jaeger pilot.”

“Right,” Shepard replied with a grin.

“How many people have you piloted with?” Garrus asked Shepard.

Joker said, “Me, Liara, Kaidan, Ash, Kaidan, Thane, Kaidan. I think that’s it, right?”

“Garrus,” Shepard said with a smile.

“Right, Garrus,” Joker said. “Liara was doing research for Anderson and was an emergency substitute for me. They were compatible and took over so I wouldn’t keep hurting myself. Kaidan and Shepard had been flirting a lot, it was pretty gross, but Kaidan had another co-pilot, and Shepard didn’t want to mess it up.”

“I’ve only slept with two of them,” Shepard said with some acid in her voice, “if you’re curious.”

Joker said, “But you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about it with Liara.”

Shepard shrugged and nodded. “Got me. Didn’t want to screw things up with Kaidan. Which I did anyway.”

“Have you talked to him since,” Garrus let his voice trail off.

“It’s really done,” Shepard said.

“I’m sorry.”

Shepard shrugged, “Nothing you did.”

“At least you have Thane,” Joker said.

Shepard’s face didn’t change. She took another sip of coffee.

Joker said, “You do have Thane, don’t you?”

“Can we not put my love life on display for everyone to analyze? Or did you want to bring Allers in here?”

“He won’t take you back?” Garrus asked. “Didn’t he break up with you so you could be with Kaidan?”

“I really don’t want to talk about this,” Shepard said. “Tell me about our new Jaeger.”

Joker said, “Well, we’re thinking about putting the AI in it.”

That distracted Garrus from Shepard’s love life. “Despite how illegal that is?” he asked with laugh. “Isn’t that the one the ex-Cerberus pilots brought in? I mean, yeah, they’re good pilots and I trust them to watch my back, but I’m not at the point where I’d put unknown technology into my Jaeger.”

Shepard said to Joker, “You want to put in the AI in?”

“No,” Joker said. “I don’t want to share the Turian/Human hybrid Jaeger, but the Geth altered it to make sure it recorded no data back to Cerberus and, the thing is, if you were ever in a position where you had to control the Jaeger alone, it could take some of that stress off.”

“I really doubt I’m going to be in that position again,” Shepard said.

“Well, it could also reinforce shields and concentrate them specifically in the areas that the Kaiju attack,” Joker said. “If it could help repel their blood, we wouldn’t need to worry about biotics in the Jaeger. It’s not just your Jaeger - Anderson’s talking about letting it span over all the Jaegers. We’d start with just yours, of course, then maybe let its reach extend.”

“So gradually let Cerberus control our Jaegers. What could go wrong?” Garrus asked with a laugh.

“It’s definitely clean of Cerberus?” Shepard asked.

“Yeah,” Joker said. “The Geth went through it. Our techs went through it. Mordin and Tali went through it. And it’s aware at this point – Anderson has it active on a closed system. The Geth spends some time talking to it. Tali hates it, obviously, but we’re in good shape. I’ve talked with her, and she knows what she’s doing.”

“She?” Shepard asked.

“The AI. She introduced herself as EDI and requested we use female pronouns to talk about her,” Joker said. “She said it was less confusing than calling her ‘it’ all the time, and she’s right.”

“You can’t seriously be considering this, Shepard,” Garrus said.

“We need all the help we can get,” she replied. She looked at Garrus and said, “But if you’re going to be my co-pilot, I don’t want to start by rubbing you the wrong way. If you say no to the AI-”

Garrus sighed. “It sounds like it could be a real benefit, if it doesn’t turn on us.” He asked Joker, “Will there be a backdoor for you to disable it?”

“Yeah,” Joker said. “I’ll be able to disable it from here if something starts to go wrong. We can install something in the Jaeger as well in the event that you can’t communicate to me that something is wrong.”

“Then I can’t turn away the benefits,” Garrus said.

Shepard smiled and patted Garrus’ shoulder. “Looks like we do think alike.”

“What do the ex-Cerberus pilots think?” Garrus asked.

“They think we’re crazy,” Joker said, “which is totally understandable. The ex-Cerberus scientists went over the AI too. Basically everyone has looked at it and says ‘yeah it’s clean but still probably not a good idea’ and we’re going to do it anyway.”

“Just me and Garrus though,” Shepard said. “We can beat up a little AI if it’s not nice.”

“You’re damn right,” Garrus said with a laugh.

“So how long is this construction going to take?” Shepard asked. “And is there a Jaeger we can use in the meantime?”

“Probably a week at least,” Joker said. “We’ll probably see some support over the next few days, so a new Jaeger might show up. Might see some new pilots too. Best case scenario is we get a second team to defend the Shatterdome while you go through the Omega 4 relay.”

“Yeah, I guess a suicide mission is kind of silly when you leave your base completely helpless,” Garrus said.

“Everyone’s on board to go through the relay?” Shepard asked.

“Yeah,” Joker said. “I vote talking the Krogan leader out of going. Who knows who we’ll get in Wrex’s place if he dies.”

“What about the female Krogan?” Shepard asked. “She’s an important symbol to the Krogans. Not to mention the fact that she has a great vision for the future.”

“Do you really wanna go through the relay without any krogans?” Joker asked.

Shepard thinned her lips. “Good point. I’ll discuss it further with Anderson and hopefully with the teams too. I better go check on Anderson now. Can we practice drifting again later, Garrus?”

“Oh, uh, sure.”

“Just because of the drell thing,” Shepard said. “I want to make sure it doesn’t catch us off-guard again.”

“I understand, Commander,” Garrus said.

“I’ll see you later,” Shepard said with a smile. 

Garrus said, “Yeah,” and watched her leave. When she was gone, he turned to notice Joker smirking at him. “What?”

“Nothing,” Joker said.

“I’m going to go check on Thane,” Garrus said.

“I’ll let the Commander know if she asks.”

Garrus started to leave, but he hesitated. “Does everyone just assume I’m going to have a screwed up relationship with Shepard because of Thane’s memories?”

“No,” Joker said. “Everyone assumes you’re going to have a screwed up relationship with Shepard because you follow her like a lost puppy - and try to nip her for attention.”

“I am a puppy in this scenario.”

“Yeah. You’ve seen the puppies on earth, right? They’re cute. It’s a compliment Garrus.”

Garrus just sighed and left. He found Kaidan reading on his hospital bed with the curtain pulled to keep Thane and Kolyat from view. Kolyat read while Thane sat with his eyes closed. Garrus frowned when he saw the oxygen mask still on Thane’s face. Ignoring Kaidan, Garrus said to Kolyat, “How’s he doing?”

“I’m fine,” Thane said, taking off the mask.

“He truly is fine,” Kolyat replied with a smile. “It’s just a precaution.”

“It is irritating,” Thane said, opening his eyes. “It is a pleasure to see you, Garrus.”

“I’m going to grab something to eat in the cafeteria,” Kolyat said. “I’ll return soon.”

Kolyat left and Thane sat upright as Garrus sat down in one of the chairs. “You’re really feeling all right?” Garrus asked.

“Yes, though the Commander tells me I will not be flying again.”

“I heard,” Garrus said.

“I’m hardly impressed,” Thane said. “And she’s stolen you, so we can’t prove her wrong.”

“Thane, if I hadn’t pulled out of your memories, we both could have died,” Garrus replied. “Shepard and Kaidan too.”

Thane frowned. “You’re right. I can’t assist Shepard. Not anymore.”

“Hey, can we,” Garrus looked to Kaidan’s bed with the curtain between them, “can we talk about that?”

“Shepard won’t appreciate us discussing her romances,” Thane said.

“I’m talking to a friend about his relationship problems,” Garrus said.

Kaidan snorted from his bed.

Thane said, “Look at me. I have weeks left - maybe days. I can’t offer Shepard anything. Perhaps if I go out while she’s angry with me, it will hurt her less.”

“That’s bullshit,” Kaidan said.

“He’s right,” Garrus said. “She’s not angry. She’s just sad - maybe confused. I don’t know. I didn’t ask her.”

Kaidan pulled his curtain back across and pointed at Thane with his book. “It’s bullshit because you’re scared,” he said to Thane. “You’re happy right now because your son is with you and you have done literally everything in your power to contribute. If you start dating Shepard again, you’re going to realize how much you’re missing out on when you die.”

Thane replied, “Perhaps I did not feel the need to vocalize that to my friend.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “As far as I’m concerned, you’ve fucked Shepard up with your weird drell memories and with your weird relationship requirements. The least you could do is let her go down with the ship.”

“You saw what happened when Williams died,” Thane said. “You saw what happened first hand. What happens to her when I die? Will she lose herself again? I don’t want her to lose focus because I can’t live for a few more days.”

Kaidan avoided Thane’s eye, but Garrus said, “This is different. She knows you’re dying. She’s prepared for it. All she wants to do is be with you.”

“I can’t stand the thought of her memories of me deteriorating into this,” Thane said. “Look at me. She’s going to feel me grow weaker in her arms. There’s going to be a point where I need the oxygen mask all the time. And those will be her memories of me.”

“She has lots of memories of you,” Kaidan said with just a hint of acid.

“But I’ve learned that human memories are so much more complicated,” Thane said. “These ones might overwrite the old ones. She might only see me as this. She might forget.”

“She won’t forget, Thane,” Garrus said, “and she’ll treasure these memories. They won’t taint your memory.”

Thane leaned back on the bed and folded his hands in his chest. “I’ll have to consider this,” Thane said. “I cannot make the wrong choice.”

Kaidan started to pull his curtain back over, but Thane looked at him and said, “I appreciate you trying to talk to me about this.”

“Yeah, well, I care about Shepard,” Kaidan said.

“I know how much she loves you,” Thane said with a smile.

“Right back at you,” Kaidan said. He offered Thane a half-smile before pulling the curtain back across. 

“I’ll leave you with your thoughts then,” Garrus said.

“Thank you as well,” Thane said with a smile. “If you were in my position, would you tell her to watch you die?”

“I wouldn’t have let her go in the first place,” Garrus said.

“What if she loses herself when I die?” Thane asked.

“I’m not going to let that happen,” Garrus said, “and you’re going to pick a convenient time to die. Like, not the night before we go through the Omega 4 relay.”

Thane laughed and then began to cough. He said, “I’ll do my best.”

“I know you will,” Garrus said. “I’ll check on you again later.”

*

Shepard, meanwhile, found herself with a few moments of downtime. She wasn’t eager to talk to Kaidan or Thane, so she avoided the medical bay. She knew her closer friends, Liara and Kelly, would also want to discuss her love life, which was dead as far as she was concerned.

So she walked through the Crew’s Quarters and knocked on Samara’s door. The Justicar intrigued her, but she was definitely interested to see how she handled working with the Geth. Samara opened the door with her biotics, and Shepard said, “Got a minute?”

Samara smiled as she turned her head. “Certainly Commander.”

Shepard walked into her room and Samara closed the door. Samara motioned for Shepard to take a seat, and she complied. “I haven’t had much of a chance to talk with you since you joined us,” Shepard said. “I just wanted to make sure you were satisfied.”

Samara nodded. “I believe Captain Anderson kicked someone out of this room so I could have a room with a window. It’s an extremely generous gift - to do everything in one’s power to make another feel like they’re home.”

“Well, we’re really happy to have you on our team, Samara,” Shepard said. “How did you find working with the Geth? Would you rather be put back on the main defences with the other biotics?”

“I enjoy the opportunity to travel farther,” Samara said. “And I know I create a level of unease to some of the others - particularly the Asari. I have sworn myself to Captain Anderson, but I am aware that the others still fear me spotting them breaking the code.” She smiled and added, “I particularly enjoy being inside of the Jaeger. It’s an interesting piece of technology.”

“So you don’t mind working with a synthetic?”

“No,” she replied. “It is a very polite unit and very determined. I have to admit, Commander, it has a certain infatuation - though I do not mean romantic - with you. It wanted to follow you through the Relay, but I explained our defences were needed here. It wants to impress you. And the Jaeger’s interior is very similar to the Alliance’s layout. The Geth has no need to drift, and I am not certain it could even drift with an organic, but it has the technology ready anyway. It is eager to be a part of a team.”

“So it seems happy with you?”

“Yes,” Samara said. “It stopped by and gave me some tea earlier. I think we feel a certain amount of kinship for each other since we both make the others feel uncomfortable. I honestly was skeptical when I was first assigned to the Geth’s Jaeger, but now I would not wish to work anywhere else.”

“I’m really glad to hear that it’s working out,” Shepard said. “What’s this about an infatuation with me? Does it go beyond mimicking the Alliance’s ships and wanting to follow me during the mission?”

“It’s hard to describe,” Samara replied. “You know that each of us are here after hearing stories about you. Anderson’s project started to make waves as soon as you signed onto his team. He started it and did amazing things, but you became the face as soon as you signed on since so many people were following your progress on the Jaeger program. I suppose it should be no surprise that the Geth cares about you in the same way we all do, but it still came as a surprise to me. It admires you. It imitates you. It wants you to be as safe as much as everyone else on the team does.”

Shepard chuckled. “I guess I’ll have to sit down and have a chat with it.”

Samara smiled. “You really should. It would probably consider it an honour.”

Shepard said, “I’ll save it for a bad day then. Sometimes I get a little tired of being Commander Shepard, you know?”

“I suppose you don’t get to take a vacation from being a Commander, just as I don’t take a vacation from being a Justicar. It is the path you choose. It’s your identity rather than a career.”

“I guess you’re right.”

Shepard sat for a moment and looked out into space. She had wanted it to be a career rather than the whole of her identity. She didn’t want everyone to perceive her as a hero. She needed somewhere she could just relax. Now that Kaidan was out again, she only had Thane. His pet name for her grew sour when she was tired of fighting. Yes, she was ready to die a warrior, but sometimes she fantasized about taking off her armour.

“Commander, I heard from Zaeed Massani that you have been assisting him and several of the others with their unfinished business,” Samara said. “He told me about how you punched him when he endangered the lives of innocents to get his revenge. You made a good impression on him.”

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “Is there something I could help you with?”

*

Garrus waited in Liara’s lab for Shepard. Liara was asleep at her desk, and Feron sat upright with his eyes closed on the couch. It wasn’t the most stimulating company, but he had just spoken with Tali and Kasumi and found himself a few credits short again, so he accepted their silence and stillness with open arms.

Shepard came into the room with a smile. “Sorry for the last minute request, Garrus,” she said. “I’ll be heading out later tonight, so I thought we’d practice drifting again before I go out. It’ll give us both some time to think about the experience and give us some time apart.”

“Commander, I understand that I disappointed you by not drifting with you fast enough-”

Shepard shook her head and touched Garrus’ arm. He was surprised it was the same person from last night and this morning. Her confidence had returned. Her warmth was strong. He knew it wasn’t just Joker that would follow her to hell and back. 

She firmly said, “You didn’t disappoint me. You saved me. I owe you my life. I owe you Kaidan’s and Thane’s lives. Got it?”

“Yes, Commander.”

“We’re drifting so there’re no surprises. We’ve both been through a lot in our lives, so we don’t ever want to be caught off-balance by the other’s memories. Thane and I practiced. Kaidan and I practiced. I practiced with everyone.”

“Are you sure you don’t just like prying into our lives?”

“Not as much as you enjoy prying into mine,” Shepard replied with a smile. “I heard you were talking to Thane earlier.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“Not yet,” Shepard said. “I want to have a clear head for tonight. Come on, let’s drift.”

Shepard and Garrus went into the machines set up in Liara’s lab. It was good practice for anyone without a Jaeger, and it usually was used to continue to test pilot’s compatibilities when there were new recruits if they had not yet been assigned a Jaeger, or if they had never experienced drifting before. It was less about controlling a Jaeger and more about flowing with the other person. Some of the older pilots used it to experience the drift and relive their old memories. It was frowned upon, but mostly ignored. You weren’t to go into the machines without a third party observing you.

Garrus assumed Feron was conscious enough to stop them if something went wrong.

Shepard started the machine, and Garrus found himself thrown into her thoughts again. It was strange seeing things from Shepard’s perspective rather than Thane’s. Her memories moved quicker, relishing in sensations rather than sights. Her fingers digging into Thane’s flesh. His lips on her shoulder. His gasps and pants. A quick jolt to being in Thane’s arms. He said something softly to her - it didn’t matter what. She just heard his voice. The memories were fragmented and yet still vivid. Some aspects were clear and intoxicating while others were hazy.

Another jolt. Kaidan telling her not to give up. Kaidan telling her she would think of something. His black eyes on her. His arms around her. The tears stinging her eyes and blurring her vision. She kissed him deeply, pulling him onto the floor. Their legs twisted together. His bare chest pressed against hers.

A jolt. Ashley Williams cursing and yelling. Ashley William’s severed torso beside her. Shepard’s screams. His screams.

Again a quick shift. Blind light and anger. Garrus struggled with it. Just a pool of fuming hate that was brighter than any sun he’d seen before. He wanted to tear off a Kaiju’s head. He wanted to tear off a Reaper’s limb. He wanted to feel himself sink a knife into something.

“Garrus.”

A red reaper beam sliced through the light. He was back in his Jaeger with the Turian pilot. But it was Shepard next to him. She watched him. He realized she had thrown him into this on purpose. Navigate under stress. Get out.

He knew how to shake out of his memories. He pushed the Reaper beam away and pulled back to one of Thane’s memories. He saw it from Shepard’s eyes. Their sparring. He straddled Thane’s waist and kissed him. He heaved himself out of it.

Shepard stood beside him with a smile. “You did that on purpose,” he said.

“Which part?” Shepard asked.

“All of it,” Garrus said. “You tried to throw me off-balance.”

“I did.”

Her smile stayed strong. He smiled back. “All right, how did I do?”

“Once you started catching on, you got out quickly.”

“You called for me though, didn’t you? You tried to help me out of it,” Garrus said.

Shepard shook her head. “No, I just let you be to see what would happen.”

“I heard you call for me,” Garrus said. “When everything was white.”

A look of confusion crossed Shepard’s face. “I didn’t realize - you want to avoid that. Maybe you knew something was wrong and remembered the other time I tried to pull you out. But yeah, avoid that. Avoid Ash. It’s a pit you can lose yourself in. I wanted to show you a bit, you know, prepare you for it. But you got out quickly.”

“I think you pushed me out of it,” Garrus said.

“I didn’t do anything,” Shepard said. “You’re probably doing it without thinking, which shows good instincts, but it just means you’re still learning to control it. Liara’s knowledge is probably helping a lot under the surface, but there’s only so much it can do.”

Shepard shut the machine down and stepped out of it. Garrus followed suit, and Shepard said, “We’ll try again tomorrow, all right? I want to make sure you can get away from Ash, and, since we have a bit of privacy, you’re lingering a bit with Thane and Kaidan.”

“Yeah, I can’t explain that.”

“I get it,” Shepard said. “It’s intoxicating feeling that sort of intimacy. I have a hard time pulling away from it too. So you’ll have to learn to pull away.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Shepard gave him a smile and patted his arm. “Don’t worry, you’re doing fine. I’m only pushing you because I know how hard it can get. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“I understand,” Garrus said with a sharp nod.

“Perfect,” Shepard said. “Then I’ll see you later.”

Garrus waited for her to leave to give her a head start, and he looked back to Feron and Liara. Liara still slept soundly, and Feron still sat with his eyes closed. His serene smile had shifted to a frown. Garrus left and decided to head towards the lounge. He hoped to talk to James and Zaeed about any difficulties they had while drifting, especially since Zaeed’s past was violent.

Instead, he found Kaidan sitting in the lounge with a bottle in his hand. The sound of the biotics’ pants echoed in the back of his mind. He felt his lips tracing up his spine. 

“Should you be drinking?” Garrus asked.

“It’s fine,” Kaidan said. “Came for Poker?”

“Oh, sure,” Garrus said. “I hoped to talk to James and Zaeed about their drifting experiences. I imagine Zaeed’s head must be quite a shock.”

“Having trouble pulling away from the sex?” Kaidan asked.

Garrus hesitated. “Have you had a lot to drink?”

“If James and Zaeed are going to rob me blind, yeah, I’m going to get drunk. Maybe I’m a better poker player when I’m drunk.”

“I don’t think it works that way,” Garrus said, though he grabbed a drink for himself.

“But you are having trouble with the sex, right?” Kaidan asked. “It’s vivid. It pulls you in. And it’s weird because it’s from her perspective. I have felt myself fuck her.”

“Yeah, I’m having some trouble,” Garrus said.

“And you feel all the love,” Kaidan said. “From both parties. It was strange feeling Thane’s love for her - really feeling it. I hated it, but I wanted it. When I saw him out of the drift, sometimes I’d forget and I’d expect him to hug me, and it was jarring when I just got a polite hello. Is it jarring talking to me now? Do you expect me to hug you?”

Garrus did find it slightly jarring, but not to the extent that Kaidan did. He hardly expected Kaidan to embrace him, but he remembered what he smelt like in a tight embrace when he saw him. Hell, he knew what the tip of his cock tasted like, but he wasn’t about to mention it. He saw down beside Kaidan and lowered his voice as he asked, “Is that what really upset you about Thane? Not that he had Shepard, but that he aroused these feelings in you and you couldn’t figure out what to do with them?”

“Sometimes you meet a guy and it’s like, yeah, okay, I’d go for it,” Kaidan said. “It’s complicated when it’s aliens too because it’s like, does the physical sex even matter? I know this person intimately. I admire him. I’ve seen him at his worst and at his best. And then he looks at me like I’m a stranger.”

“Nothing was stopping you from being friends with him,” Garrus said.

Kaidan scoffed. “I threw a very public fit because my girlfriend thought I had broken up with her so she started dating someone else. It was embarrassment after embarrassment. So her new boyfriend dumps her so she can date me. And I was happy to have her back, really, I didn’t realize right away that he broke up with her for me, I thought she chose me.

“Anyway, I start drifting with her and everything is different. Fragments are extremely vivid, as if I had an extra sense to absorb everything, and I, you know, I see all of Thane. Completely. Intimately. I understand why Shepard went with him. I understand everything. A large part of me wants to be with him like she was.

“So how do I tell Shepard that I can’t be friends with Thane because I want him? Would she even want me knowing that I relish in her memories with Thane? It’s like an addiction looking at them,” Kaidan said. “It was a lot of work being able to function knowing I could escape to him just under the surface. I still loved and wanted Shepard, obviously, but I could have both in the drift.”

“And what, seeing her with him was too much?” Garrus asked.

“It was the realization that she could still have him whenever she wanted,” Kaidan said. “It pissed me off that I was outside of their circle. I felt intimate with them both, and it wasn’t that I was jealous of him - I was jealous of her. And I was just laying there, you know, with my ribs all out of sorts and my arm broken, with her at his bedside and I realized I can’t live in the drift anymore. I can’t keep lying to myself.”

“So having neither of them is better than just having one?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. “I love Shepard, but I can’t keep going inside of her head. It’s torture.”

Garrus said, “So just stop being her pilot.”

“Garrus, listen, you just tried talking Thane into getting back with her, and now you’re trying to talk me into it? It’s complicated with Shepard. I can’t be romantically involved with Shepard and not be her co-pilot - and I can’t be with her knowing Thane is so close.”

“Sorry for prying then,” Garrus said. “I just thought you needed to think things out aloud.”

“It feels good to say I want Thane aloud, yeah,” Kaidan said. “Do you wonder if the same thing will happen to you? You wanted to be with Shepard when you drifted with Thane, right?”

“I wanted to be with Shepard before I drifted with Thane,” Garrus said with a laugh. “Not that I intended to step on anyone’s toes – or even have a thing for humans. She just has this way about her. When she looks at you, it’s like she really sees you. It’s like you’re the only other person in the room.”

Kaidan opened his mouth, but Zaeed and James entered. “Ready to get your ass kicked, Alenko?” James asked.

“I think he’s already done that himself,” Garrus said. “Got room for a fourth?”

“Yeah,” Zaeed said, “I could use a few more credits this week. Come on over to the table and lug Alenko over with you.”

“Are you sure you want to be dealt in, Kaidan?” James asked.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Kaidan said. “I could use the distraction.”

They sat around the poker table and played a round while Garrus asked James and Zaeed about their drifting experiences, though Garrus learned nothing particularly insightful about it. Zaeed mentioned the sexual experiences in passing, and James cleared his throat to keep the conversation from going too far. He watched Kaidan out of the corner of his eye, intrigued by his earlier confession. It was strange seeing this new side of Kaidan. Vulnerable. Open. It was familiar and new at the same time. He liked it.

Shepard came into the room wearing a short black dress. “Hot damn, Lola,” James said. “You’re looking good. Going to a party?”

“I’m going off on a mission,” Shepard said. “Kasumi’s not here?”

“Nope,” James said.

Zaeed said, “We don’t play with pickpockets.”

Shepard cursed under her breath. “All right, I’ll go on without her. See you guys later.”

“Hold on,” Zaeed said. “Are you going to go blow somethin’ up? I may not look like it Shepard, but I love putting on a classy suit and shooting shit up.”

“I’m afraid it’s an infiltrate and modestly let Samara destroy,” Shepard said. “Kind of boring, actually. We’ll be back in a few hours.” Shepard smiled and said, “I’ll keep that in mind though, Zaeed.”

“When we go kill Vido Santiago, let’s wear suits,” Zaeed said, turning back to his hand.

“Deal,” Shepard said. “See you later.”

The table mumbled a see you as the game started up again. James asked, “Does she do this a lot? Go on weird missions in the middle of the night?”

“Sometimes,” Kaidan replied. “She likes to help the other pilots out, and the vets, like Zaeed, have things they want to get done before we go through the Omega 4 relay and maybe kill ourselves.”

“She’s been spending a lot of time talking to my tech – Cortez – and I’ve noticed he’s been different since they started hanging out. Happier,” James said.

“Yeah, she likes making sure everyone is all right,” Kaidan said. “She’s usually good to lend an ear if you need it.”

“I know you’re not together anymore, but don’t you worry about her?” James asked.

“Yeah, I mean, it would be a disaster if she died doing some shit that we couldn’t spin as propaganda,” Kaidan said. “And I wouldn’t forgive myself if she died somewhere I wasn’t, but she doesn’t want to risk our lives for something she feels like she has to do. She’s a stubborn woman. I learned when not to push.”

“I heard she dressed up and robbed some asshole for Kasumi,” Zaeed said to James. “Sounded pretty badass, but I can’t show up at Donovan Hock’s house and not be detected. I have a familiar face, I guess.” He grinned.

“She really cares about her crew, doesn’t she?” James said. “It’s not just an act.”

“It’s not just an act,” Kaidan said with a nod.

“I can’t believe you’d let her go,” James said with a laugh.

Zaeed started, “If I was a decade younger-”

“This topic needs to be dropped,” Kaidan said.

James and Zaeed held their tongues, which surprised Garrus. He’d expected a little more teasing or prodding for information, but they respected him. The respect surprised him too, though he supposed it shouldn’t. Kaidan was a hell of a pilot, even when he didn’t work with Shepard. He was a decorated Alliance officer. He’d seen a lot of shit the others hadn’t. The conversation shifted and Garrus found himself losing money. He was distracted, watching Kaidan out of the corner of his eye. He noticed all the features Shepard liked about him. His smile. His eyes. And James kept filling his glass.

Garrus stumbled as he stood up, folding and surrendering. “That’s it for me,” he said. “Thanks for going easy on the new guy.”

James and Zaeed laughed, and Kaidan stood up as well. “Let me help you back to your unit,” he said.

“I’m fine,” Garrus said.

James laughed harder. “You’d think someone who pilots with the Commander could hold his liquor better.”

“You’d think someone with a mouth as big as yours would get hit a lot more often,” Garrus said, leaning on Kaidan.

“I’ll call it a night too,” Kaidan said. “While I’m ahead.”

Zaeed said, “Getting drunk beforehand was just a show, right Alenko? You’re stone sober now.”

“You just weren’t paying attention to me,” Kaidan said. “Too busy kicking Garrus’ ass. That’s how I got ahead.”

“I’ll be ready next time,” Zaeed said.

Kaidan wrapped his good arm around Garrus’ back and helped him out of the room. Shepard’s memories of Kaidan pressed against him. His lips. His breath. The arm draped across his back felt good - strong. “You feeling okay?” Garrus asked Kaidan. “Ribs hurting?”

“Just very sore,” Kaidan said. “I’m fine though, really.”

“Am I too heavy?”

“You’re just awkward,” Kaidan said. “And you’re squirming.”

“You’re very comfortable,” Garrus said with a sigh. “Is it strange, talking to me knowing that I know very personal and intimate details about you?”

“Only when you bring it up,” Kaidan said.

“What are you going to do now that you’re single?”

“I’m going to focus on saving the galaxy, first,” Kaidan said. “Then maybe think about dating.”

“What about a fun distraction?”

Kaidan said, “Is this your unit?”

“Yeah, it’s here.”

Kaidan leaned Garrus against the wall, and Garrus lightly touched Kaidan’s hip. Kaidan didn’t pull away. He asked, “Did you say no to a fun distraction?”

Kaidan said, “Mordin told me that Turians and humans react to stress in the same way.”

“Would you rather spar?” Garrus asked.

Kaidan took a step closer to him. Garrus hardly expected it, and he eyes widened in surprise. He wrapped his arm around Kaidan’s lower waist. Shepard’s memories of him bubbled to the surface again. Soft words. His black eyes. His tight skin. He wondered if this was just one of her memories too.

Kaidan leaned close and propped his forehead against Garrus’. “I have nothing to hide from you,” Kaidan said. “You know me better than Shepard, in some ways.”

When Garrus leaned forward to kiss him, Kaidan leaned back slightly. He said, “And yet, I hardly know you.”

“Won’t it be fun for you?” Garrus asked. “Experiencing everything first-hand, for once.”

Kaidan lightly touched his mandible and then his chin. “Shepard will see this.”

“She’ll see it whether we stop here or go forward,” Garrus said.

“She’ll know if I stop or press on,” Kaidan said. “My gut tells me to stop here. Wait.”

“Wait for the world to end?”

“Wait until you’re sober,” Kaidan said. “Wait until I’ve talked to Shepard. I just realized - all that dumb shit I said drunk - she’ll know. We’ll need to talk before you drift with her again.”

“She might not see it,” Garrus said, “besides, you were drunk. And so am I. And I’ve got no drells enhancing that memory. If you come into my unit, and if you drink some more with me, I could forget this entire night.”

Kaidan smiled. “I wouldn’t want you to forget.”

“So you’re not going to come in?”

“I’m not going to come in,” Kaidan said, pulling away from Garrus. “But if you’re still serious about it sober then I’ll think about it.”

Garrus unlocked his door and nodded. “I can’t say I’m not disappointed.”

“What’re you going to do when you wake up in my arms?” Kaidan asked. “You’ll realize Shepard’s memories overwhelmed you. You’ll feel guilty.”

“I didn’t realize you could see the future, Major Alenko,” Garrus said, going into his unit. “Last call.”

“See you tomorrow, Vakarian.”

Garrus closed his door and dropped onto the bed. He cursed under his breath.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I've played a video game for years and have been spelling Kaidan's name wrong? Who am I? I've updated all my Mass Effect fanfiction (including this one) with the proper spelling of Kaidan's name. If I mess up and you see it and it bugs you, please let me know and I'll correct it immediately!

Shepard took off her heels and walked barefoot through the Shatterdome. She needed less missions that required dress-up. When she walked by the Med Bay, she stopped and peeked in. Thane was asleep, and she assumed Kolyat had a room somewhere nearby. But Kaidan had a light on next to his bed. His curtains were pulled to, but from her position she could see him reading.

She hesitated. Would he want to talk to her? The cut still felt too deep for her, like he had scooped a piece of her out. Even if he wanted to talk to her, she wasn’t sure she wanted to talk to him. He looked up to see her and smiled. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Her dress felt too tight.

He waved her in.

Shepard walked into the Med Bay and Kaidan kept his voice low as he said, “I’m sorry. I can’t shake the habit of waiting up for you. I’m glad you walked by.”

“I’m home safe,” she said with a smile. “And Samara’s completed her life’s goal.”

“That must be a weight off her shoulders.”

“Yeah.”

Silence lingered between them. Shepard didn’t know if she should sit down, and Kaidan kept a finger in his place in the book rather than putting a bookmark into it. It was strange to not just crawl into his arms and breathe him in him.

“Listen,” Kaidan said, “Garrus and I got drunk earlier. When you drift with him next, you might hear some weird stuff. I don’t know if you will even see it, but, uh, just in case. We were drunk.”

“Should I be worried?” Shepard said. “Are you guys trash talking me?”

Kaidan shook his head. “Garrus made a pass at me. You know what it’s like being inside each other’s heads. He’d just come from drifting with you and spending the evening with me.”

Shepard smiled. “Really? I didn’t think Garrus would be-”

“And listen, I didn’t say no.”

Shepard’s smile faded. “I didn’t think you would be,” her voice trailed off.

“Nothing happened, but - I don’t know. I just don’t want it to throw you off. I don’t know if Garrus will flat-out tell you or what.”

Shepard hesitated. “Is this something you plan to pursue?” she asked. “I mean, I guess it’d serve me right, having to see his memories of being with you, like you had to see my memories of being with Thane-”

“It’s not about revenge, Shepard. I don’t know if I’m going to pursue it. We were drunk. It might have just been residue from the drift.”

She nodded. “All right,” she said. “I’ll just wait for an update, I guess. I’d say it’s none of my business, but I’m going to see it, so,” her voice trailed off again. She hadn’t prepared herself for any of this. “I can handle it if it happens. I don’t want you to hold back because of me.”

Kaidan smiled weakly. Shepard hugged herself. She thought she’d feel better about herself after seducing an Asari, but Kaidan managed to strip away all her confidence. Kaidan said, “It’s strange. After I dropped Garrus off at his room, I didn’t know where to go. I never had a place to call my own, you know? I always just stayed with you. So I came back here.”

“You can have the room if you want it,” Shepard said. “It’s going to be strange going to it tonight.”

“It’s yours,” Kaidan said. “I’ll get another.”

“Yeah, all right. I should go,” Shepard said, backing up. “I’ll see you later.”

Kaidan gave her a nod. “Talk to you later, Commander.”

Shepard left quickly. She returned to her room and showered. She tried to clear her mind of any thoughts, but it started to sink in that Kaidan wasn’t going to come back to her this time. It was silly how when she had thought they’d broken up, it hurt, but she moved on, and now, when he had actually ended things, it lingered with her.

She supposed she should have known he hadn’t actually broken up with her the first time since it didn’t carry the right amount of bite.

She wrapped a towel around her waist and looked over her room. The bed was too large. She moved from Thane to Kaidan. There was always someone in it, ready to coil around her and whisper in her ear. She looked at the clock. 4am. She’d be awake in a couple of hours anyway.

Shepard got dressed and moved down to the gym. She stretched before she laid back on a bench and started lifting weights. She didn’t blink as Vega came into the room. “Damn, Lola, I didn’t expect to see you in here so early,” he said. “Didn’t you have a late night?”

“Didn’t sleep,” Shepard said. “I was too pumped up.”

“Then let me spot you,” James said. “Though I’d much rather be spotting you in the outfit you were wearing last night.”

“Only if you wear the heels, Vega.”

“Careful, I might be into that,” James said with a smile.

“Are all of your promises empty?” Shepard asked with a laugh. “You better be careful now that I’m back on the market.”

James smile faded, and he said, “So I hear you’ve been helping out some of the crew tie up some of their loose ends.”

“Yeah. You got something?”

“No,” James said. “All my ends are tied and ready. But I was wondering if I could go with you when you chase down that guy for Zaeed. I’m going to see it anyway, and I’d like to watch his back.”

“You should ask Zaeed about that one.”

“Yeah, he doesn’t want me to go in case it gets too hot,” James said. “I was hoping you could lean on him a bit.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Shepard said.

“How many have you done?” James asked.

“I think fifty,” Shepard said. “I lost count when you mentioned wearing my heels.”

James laughed and helped Shepard put the weights back on the stand. “Sit-ups?”

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “Contest?”

“Hell yeah,” James said.

Shepard and James laid down side by side. They started quickly, making sure they were in time to keep an easier count. Shepard counted inside her head, and James made note every ten they did. When they hit one hundred, they switched to push-ups.

“I hope you’re not making my co-pilot look too much like an ass,” Zaeed said as he entered.

“He’s keeping up,” Shepard said.

Zaeed sat down on the weight bench with two cups of coffee. “You can have mine,” James said. “It’s black though.”

Shepard stopped and sat on the floor. “Perfect,” she said. “But this doesn’t mean you win.”

“Of course not,” James said, though he continued push-ups without her. “We’ll do a raincheck.”

“How was helping the Justicar?” Zaeed asked.

“Good,” Shepard said. “It went smoothly.”

“She okay?” Zaeed asked.

“What do you mean?”

“That Ardat-Yakshi was her daughter, right?” Zaeed asked.

Shepard smiled. “Yeah. You’ve been talking to her?”

“A little bit,” Zaeed said. “Sometimes I get tired of listening to this one talk my ear off. She’s nice. Quiet.”

“And beautiful.”

“Yeah, she’s very nice to look at,” Zaeed said. “And, what’d you know, nearly one thousand year old Justicars are my type, though someone obsessed with justice isn’t going to be my perfect match. I’ve told her I’ve turned over a new leaf.”

“You should check up on her,” Shepard said. “I imagine she’d appreciate the sentiment.”

“Yeah,” Zaeed said. “How come you didn’t set her to pilot with anyone other than the Geth? I mean, I doubt we’d have been compatible, but-”

“She thought it was too high of a risk,” Shepard said. “If she saw injustice in anyone’s mind, she’d have a reason to kill them. And apparently the older Asari can cause some serious brain damage to short-lived races, though Salarians are excluded from that. They process information so quickly, it doesn’t seem to affect them in the same way.”

“The Krogans don’t?” Zaeed asked.

Shepard said, “They do, actually, but there’re less Krogans working with other species.”

“Yeah, I was going to say, if I wasn’t a match for James, I’d probably fit right in with the Krogans,” Zaeed said.

“Don’t go wishing me dead now,” James said.

“Don’t do anything stupid to wind-up dead,” Zaeed said. “Like trying to top the Commander with anything.”

“Speaking of James doing something stupid,” Shepard said, “Liara thinks she’s tracked down the leader of the Blue Suns.”

“Yeah?”

Shepard continued, “I know you wanted to do it yourself, but-”

“No, it’s fine. Time isn’t on our side. You’re not going to leave me under rubble and punch me out like last time, are you?”

Shepard laughed. “No.”

“Hey, if I had been there that time,” James said, “he wouldn’t have gotten away.”

Shepard said to Zaeed, “Can we take the kid along this time? It’ll be good to have an extra eye.”

“You really want to risk both of your pilots?” Zaeed asked.

“It’ll leave an empty Jaeger for me and Garrus to pilot.”

“I don’t see any scenario where we die, but you live,” James said, laughing.

“Listen, we tried this last week,” Shepard said to Zaeed. “Just you and me. I wasn’t going to let people die for your revenge. If Vega had been there, he and I could have saved everyone while you ran after him.”

Zaeed shook his head. “I’m not happy about this, Commander, but I’ll go along with it. If anything happens to him, I’ll be punching you this time.”

“I’m not going to let anything happen to him,” Shepard said, looking directly into Zaeed’s eyes.

“Hold on now,” James said. “I can take care of myself just fine.”

Zaeed chuckled. “I don’t know. Your head is always a mess when I’m in there.”

“I’ll be sure to tidy up the next time you stop by,” James said.

Zaeed asked, “So when do we attack?”

“We can cross paths with him today,” Shepard said.

“Hold on, Commander,” James said, “you’re running on empty.”

“I’ll be fine,” Shepard said. “I’d rather keep busy.”

“You didn’t sleep?” Zaeed asked.

Shepard looked hard at her coffee as she said, “I just want to keep busy.”

Zaeed hesitated. “All right, but we don’t fuck it up this time, Shepard.”

“I won’t,” Shepard said.

*

Garrus’ head throbbed as he awoke. He hugged a pillow to his chest as he slowly remembered the events from the night before. His pathetic, failed attempt to seduce Kaidan - who didn’t directly say no. Thane’s memories washed over him and he thought of Shepard laying in the crook of his arm.

He needed to get everyone out of his head.

He showered, changed, and went down to see Dr. T’Soni. He found her and Feron in the machines, drifting. He sat down on the sofa and waited. They spoke to each other quickly in a language he didn’t understand. Certain words were familiar, but he didn’t dig around in his head for their meanings.

Liara’s voice sounded insistent, urgent. Just as Garrus began to worry, Liara opened her eyes and pulled away from the machine, panting. Feron’s eyes opened in response, and he stepped out as well. “Garrus,” Liara said.

“Sorry for intruding,” he replied. “Any progress?”

“Yes,” Liara said. “Yes, a lot, actually.”

Feron dropped into the seat next to Garrus and gave him a weak smile. “We really just need to test things out on a Jaeger.”

“The fake controls we have set up are responding to our movements,” Liara said. “We should be able to pilot again. We’re lasting longer and longer before losing ourselves.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Garrus asked. “Shepard won’t want to put you on the field if it’s a countdown until you can’t move anymore.”

“We won’t bring it up to Shepard until we know we won’t lose ourselves,” Liara said, “but in an emergency situation-” she looked to Feron “-in an emergency situation, we’ll be there. I’m bringing in my Jaeger. It should be here in a few days.”

“I’ll look forward to seeing it,” Garrus said with a nod.

“Oh, were you just checking up on us or-”

“I’m afraid I have an ulterior motive,” Garrus said. “I’m having a hard time separating my thoughts from Shepard’s when we’re apart. Is there anything you can pass on to help with that?”

“What do you mean?” Liara asked with a frown as she sat down.

Garrus shrugged. “I’ll be sitting there and something will set off one of her - or one of Thane’s - memories. They’re often intimate. Things I shouldn’t be thinking about.”

Liara frowned. “I’m afraid that’s partially what Feron and I are struggling with. The Drell enhance everything. It lingers in your system.”

“Will it become easier the longer away I am from Thane?” Garrus asked.

“I don’t know,” Liara replied. “After Shepard, Feron’s the only one I’ve drifted with.”

“I have not spoken with any Drell who have drifted with another species other than Thane,” Feron said. “I’m afraid I have no real insights to contribute.”

“Is it a serious problem?” Liara asked.

Garrus looked to Feron before he turned back to Liara. “I was drunk and made a pass at Alenko.”

Liara and Feron exchanged looks.

“You can laugh, okay?” Garrus asked. “I’ve never been thrown so off-foot. I’m a confident Turian. I know who I am. And then Thane throws his memories at me and I can’t stop thinking about Shepard. Now that Shepard’s drifting with me, I can’t stop thinking about all of them. I’ve never felt like such an outsider. I know all their lives intimately and I’m a complete stranger to them, but I feel them with me and I miss them and I want them.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what to say,” Liara said.

Feron said, “I actually understand, on some level. When I first drifted with Liara, I had all these memories of Shepard. This soldier who swept into Liara’s archaeological dig and saved her from enemies and explosions. She looked up to her and when Shepard saw her as an equal - someone to partner up with - well, I cannot find the words to fully explain that emotion.

“So when I finally met Shepard, it was strange to have her look at me the way she did. She was friendly, yes, but I was a stranger. We didn’t have the same bond as Liara and she did. It hurt,” Feron said. “It hurt a lot. Even now, she seeks Liara out for support and I half-expect her to come to me instead.”

“And what did you do?” Garrus asked.

Feron chuckled. “What can I do? Nothing.”

“But this could mess up my life,” Garrus said. “I’m living through Shepard now. All of her romantic entanglements feel like my own. Every time I drift with her I just want them all the more.”

“So it’s not just Kaidan?” Liara asked.

“Kaidan’s different since I spend time with him,” Garrus said. “He’s obtainable.”

“You just have to live your life, Garrus,” Feron said. “Carve out your own memories. If you’re attracted to Alenko, by all means pursue it, but don’t let your memories of Shepard twist into it. Don’t wonder what she’ll think. Don’t linger in her memories.”

“Easier said than done,” Garrus said.

“Isn’t there a nice Turian girl you’d be interested in?” Liara asked.

“I wish,” Garrus said. “Would taking a break from drifting with her help? Will these memories fade?”

“They will,” Liara said, “but they’ll hit harder when you try again.”

“I just need a day to clear my head,” Garrus said.

“Well, Shepard’s out for the day,” Liara said. “She’s tracking down a man Zaeed wants to kill. I doubt she’ll be in any shape to drift when she returns. I’ll talk her out of it if she wants to.”

“Didn’t she just help the Justicar yesterday?”

The alarms went off signalling Kaijus in the area. Garrus cursed under his breath. “What do I do?” he asked.

“You wait while the others do their job,” Liara said. “That’s all you can do.”

Garrus stood up and said, “Well, I’ll at least go watch the show.”

He moved through the ship quickly, trying to decide where he was best suited to wait. He felt in the way mostly, with people politely asking him to move to the left or the right. He left the docking bay and ran into Thane in the hallway.

“You’re up,” Garrus said.

“I’m feeling better,” Thane said. “I heard Shepard, Zaeed, and James are off on a mission.”

“Yeah,” Garrus said. “The others seem to be handling it.”

“Fifteen Kaiju,” Thane said.

Garrus hesitated. He said, “I really don’t think you’re in any shape to pilot a Jaeger.”

“Your concern is noted,” Thane said. “Now what if we thought we saw a Reaper blip on the radar? I bet you’d be willing to chance it.”

“This is a terrible idea.”

Thane smiled. “You’re not saying no.”

“Did you really see a Reaper blip?”

Thane asked, “Is it worth the risk?”

“So we steal Vega and Massani’s Jaeger, right?”

“Right.”

*

When Garrus landed back in the docking bay, he and Thane walked out of the Jaeger with their suits still on. They talked and laughed. When Garrus pulled off his helmet, he turned just as Shepard punched him. He stumbled backwards, and she punched him again, knocking him off his feet.

Thane grabbed Shepard, pulling her away from him. “I wanted to go,” Thane said. “Look, I can do this.”

“You told me he couldn’t handle it,” Shepard hissed at Garrus, trying to push Thane off of her. “You told me he could lose it at any moment. You risked everyone’s lives by putting him out on the field. You risked his life.”

“I was fine,” Thane said into her ear. He hugged her waist, pulling her against him as she tried to get away. “Shepard, I’m here. I’m alive.”

“Garrus Vakarian has to learn when to back down from a fight,” Shepard snarled, trying to squirm out of the Drell’s grasp. “And I’m going to punch him a few more times to teach him.”

“He was right, Shepard,” Garrus said. “He can do this.”

“There is no guarantee,” Shepard said. “I can’t have that sort of distraction on the battlefield.”

The words came out before Garrus even thought them. “I can’t drift with you again.”

“What?”

“Your entire mind is a distraction,” Garrus said. “I can’t focus. I can’t sleep. I can’t keep doing it, Shepard.”

Shepard brushed Thane off of her and he released her. Shepard offered Garrus a hand off the ground, and he accepted it. “Who told you this was going to be easy, Vakarian?” she asked, with anger beneath her voice. “It took Kaidan three weeks to drift with me again. Liara and I will never drift again. You drifted with me to the point that we could control a Jaeger in almost five minutes. You don’t tell me this is too hard. You don’t tell me some memories are going to scare you away from participating in this war.”

“I can still drift with Thane,” Garrus said.

“We don’t know how long this war is going to last,” Shepard said. “And if you back down now, we’re going to lose a lot of Turian support. Do you think they want to see two humans controlling a hybrid of human/Turian technology? Do you think they want to see the loser they sent to us flying with a terminally ill Drell?”

Garrus shifted his weight from one foot to the other. 

Shepard said, “I understand that this is hard. Your head isn’t a piece of cake either. It’ll get easier the more we do it. But you can’t give up on me, Garrus. I need you to win this war.”

Garrus’ shoulders slackened. He was glad no one other than Thane was around. “I’m sorry, Commander. I don’t usually doubt myself, but-”

“I understand,” Shepard said. She smiled weakly and squeezed Garrus’ arm when she said, “I couldn’t tell you how many times I wanted to give up when I was trying to drift with Kaidan.”

“What about Thane?” he asked.

Thane straightened up as Shepard looked at him. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’d really rather not have you on the field.”

“I can handle small missions,” Thane said.

“But we never know when a smaller mission is going to turn into something larger,” Shepard said. “Thane, I understand that you don’t want to die in the Med Bay, but-”

“I think you are letting your personal feelings for me get involved with this decision,” Thane said.

“Would you feel better if I gave Anderson the chance to make that call?” Shepard asked. “Somehow I doubt his decision will be any different than mine.”

Thane frowned. “All right,” he replied, “but I have one request.”

“Let me hear it.”

“I want to go through the Omega 4 relay with you,” he said. “Even if I just sit inside your and Garrus’ Jaeger. I want to be with you when it happens. I won’t distract you, and at least you’ll both have an extra pilot you can work with in case someone gets knocked out.”

“You’re sure you want this?” Shepard asked.

“Yes.”

“I think you should talk to Kolyat,” Shepard said, “but if he’s okay with it, and if Garrus approves, you’re welcome in our Jaeger.”

Garrus smiled. “It’s fine with me.”

“Then I will go discuss it with Kolyat,” Thane said. “I appreciate the opportunity.” He hesitated and added, “Thank you for punching Garrus instead of me.”

“Anytime,” Shepard said.

The pair exchanged smiles and Thane left, leaving Garrus and Shepard alone. Shepard lingered, and Garrus watched her. He wasn’t sure what she wanted, so he started pulling off his armour.

She said, “Did you really think it was a good idea to drag Thane out there?”

“He said he thought he saw a Reaper blip,” Garrus said. “Commander, you know he is very persuasive.”

Shepard just sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

Garrus asked, “Did you at least help Zaeed?”

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “It’s done.”

“Glad to hear it. Zaeed’s probably thrilled.”

“He’s getting drunk in the lounge if you want to join him,” Shepard said. “I’m not up for drifting today. Is that all right?”

“It’s fine.”

“I’ll talk to you later then,” Shepard said and left.

Garrus finished changing and made a point of avoiding the lounge. He hardly wanted to drink. He went to the gym and hesitated when he saw Kaidan lifting weights on the bench. Before he could walk away, Kaidan said, “Heard you butted heads with Shepard.”

“News travels fast,” Garrus said.

“Doesn’t usually take Shepard two punches to knock someone down,” Kaidan said with a laugh. 

He set down the weights and sat upright on the bench. Garrus sat on the bench across from him and said, “Did she really want to give up when she was drifting with you?”

“She didn’t say anything, but yeah,” Kaidan said. “I knew she was tired of it. She didn’t want to sit on the sidelines practicing with me when she could be out on the field with Thane.”

Garrus nodded. “I don’t know why I said that to her. I was just angry. I thought if she drifted with Thane and I tried with you-”

“Oh no,” Kaidan said. “We won’t be able to drift.”

“I thought we’d be compatible.”

“We’ll be compatible,” Kaidan said, “but I drifted with Shepard before she drifted with Thane. I knew every detail of her life short of a few months. And it still took me three weeks to drift with her. I don’t have it in me to try with you - who I barely know. And what happened with your last partner - it’ll bring up too many memories of Ash. I won’t be able to get out.”

“So experiencing Williams’ death through Shepard wasn’t as hard?”

“I made my peace with it,” Kaidan said. “I saw it firsthand. I saw it through her eyes. I know what it did to us. Seeing it from another, new perspective. Seeing her get killed again, but in another way - I can’t do it, Garrus.”

“All right, I understand. I honestly didn’t even consider how hard it would be for you. I thought since you drifted with Shepard-”

“I’d have no problem with you.”

Garrus gave him a sharp nod.

Kaidan said, “You’re a hell of a pilot, Garrus.”

Garrus smiled and nudged him. “Are you just trying to get me to try to kiss you again?”

Kaidan laughed.

Garrus continued, “You’ll have to try telling me something I don’t know for that.”

Kaidan leaned closer to him and said, “You mean to tell me there’s something that Garrus Vakarian doesn’t know about the universe? You seem like you got it all figured out - or, at least, you think you do.”

“I do know everything. It makes me a very difficult Turian to seduce,” Garrus said.

“So you know what’s under my clothes,” Kaidan said with a smile, pressing his hand on Garrus’ shoulder and his leg up against the Turian’s. “You know what places to touch on my body that will make me shiver and groan.”

Flashes of Shepard’s memories hit him. He could feel Kaidan’s pants against his ear. He remembered what Feron told him - to keep Shepard separate from things. He pushed the memories away and looked at Kaidan’s lips before looking into his dark eyes.

“All right, Alenko. You found something I don’t know,” he said, “but you’ll find me an extremely willing student in that area. I’m a very quick study.”

Kaidan laughed.

Garrus frowned. “What, this isn’t doing it for you?”

“I don’t know,” Kaidan said, covering his mouth to try to contain it. “You’re just - you’re something else, Garrus.”

“You started flirting with me.”

“No, you started it,” Kaidan said. “I played along, and you just - I don’t even know.”

“Are you at a loss for words because you’re not into it, or because you’re into it and it surprises you?”

“I’m into it and that surprises me,” Kaidan said.

Garrus smiled. “I knew I was good at this. It’s the voice, right? Everyone likes the voice.”

Kaidan laughed and knitted his hands in his lap. He said, “Just a distraction, right? Nothing serious.”

“Yeah,” Garrus said. “Having some fun before the world ends.”

“All right.”

“All right, what?”

“All right take me back to your room,” Kaidan said.

“Right now?”

“Yeah, right now,” Kaidan said. “Unless you had other plans for the afternoon.”

“No,” Garrus said. “No, all right, okay. I, uh, I don’t have any condoms. Or lubricants. Or anything.”

Kaidan smiled. “You’re cute when you’re flustered.”

“That’s just because I’m always cute.”

“I’ll get everything we need,” Kaidan said. “That’ll give you a chance to prep your room - if there’s anything you need to clean up.”

“Okay, great,” Garrus said, mentally trying to remember what he needed to put away. “I’ll meet you there.”

*

Shepard also avoided the lounge, assuming Kaidan and Garrus would be drinking together there. She folded her hands behind her back as she walked through the Shatterdome, trying to decide where she could kill some time. Getting drunk sounded nice, but she didn’t trust herself to get drunk in front of Kaidan.

Tali found her wandering through the halls. “Commander Shepard,” she said. “I have a cure for you.”

“A cure?”

“Rumour has it you’re experiencing heartbreak,” she said.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“The handsome human turns you down, the cute Drell won’t take you back, and the bad-boy Turian doesn’t want to drift with you.”

“Oh, uh, no, Garrus and I are still co-pilots,” Shepard said. “Also he’s kind of a nerd – not really a bad boy.”

“But he doesn’t want to romance you.”

Shepard shrugged. “I didn’t really think about it.”

Tali hesitated. “Either way, I have a cure.”

Shepard smiled. “All right, hit me with it.”

“Fleet and Flotilla,” she said. “We make popcorn. We sit together under a blanket. And we watch it.”

“A movie?”

“Yes,” Tali said. “You’ll feel better. It’ll be cathartic.”

Shepard smiled as Tali linked her arm with hers to pull her towards her room. She honestly just looked forward to sitting with Tali, listening to her talk about her favourite film and not think about her life. “All right,” Shepard said. “I’d love to.”

“Excellent,” Tali said. “We’ll get you comfortable. If you like it, they took the story and stretched it into a television series.”

Shepard and Tali sat on a small sofa in Tali’s room, and they managed to get through the film and started into the first episode before Kasumi entered the room and took off her cloaking device saying, “Tali, you’ll never guess what I saw- Oh, Shepard.”

“Hey.”

“We’re watching Fleet and Flotilla. Shepard has a greater appreciation for it than you do,” Tali said. “Also, my door was locked.”

“I figured no door is really locked between friends,” Kasumi said with a smile.

“What did you see?” Shepard asked. “Are James and Zaeed drinking too much?”

“Oh, no, not really,” Kasumi said. “Samara’s there, so Zaeed’s on his best behaviour. James is picking a fight with Jacob, which honestly I’d love to see, particularly if it involved shirts being torn, and I think Grunt fell asleep behind the bar. Miranda’s trying to teach Mordin to sing ‘Dancing Queen’ so he can sing it to the female Krogan.”

“Sounds like a fun party,” Shepard said with a smile.

“Yeah,” Kasumi said. “You should take a break from this Quarian drama and have a drink.”

“Please, I much prefer Quarian drama to mine,” Shepard said, putting her feet up on the coffee table.

“I would also not protest to seeing Jacob rip off James’ shirt,” Tali said. “Who else is there?”

“Cortez, Joker,” Kasumi took a second to think. “Thane and Kolyat. The little one working with the Turians to rebuild Shep’s Jaeger.”

“Traynor,” Shepard said.

“Yeah,” Kasumi said. “That’s the one. I think that’s it?”

“So no Kaidan?” Shepard asked.

“Nope,” Kasumi said. “I guess he drunk enough yesterday. And Thane’s keeping to himself. Just quietly watching, mostly.”

Shepard said to Tali, “Are you good to take a break?”

“Sure,” Tali said.

“All right, let’s hear what Mordin does to Dancing Queen,” Shepard said, heaving herself off the couch.

They made little small talk as they made their way back to the lounge. They found a heavily intoxicated Zaeed with his arm around Kolyat. “This kid is what it’s all about,” he said, pointing at Kolyat with his gun. Samara gently pulled it out of his hands as he continued, “This is what we’re saving the world for. Good kids like Kolyat who want to get their life together. When the world’s about to end for him, he’s not going to be chasing after vengeance. He’s not going to get any more blood on his hands. He’s just going to lean back and smile as he thinks about all the good he’s done in the world.”

“You are being extremely generous, Mr. Massani,” Kolyat said, looking to his father for help and trying to pull away from Zaeed.

Thane leaned against the wall and watched with a kind smile. Zaeed tightened his grip on Kolyat. “I respect the hell out of you, kid. Trying to get your life together like this. I heard about a Drell trying to make his way on the scene. You couldn’t have made a lot of friends when you said you wanted to go straight - but at least you have us to watch your back.”

Shepard said to Thane, “Are you enjoying this?”

“Yes,” Thane said. “Very much. I hope Kolyat looks back on it fondly. Zaeed is not the criminal you would expect aggressive affection from. Even if he is drunk, his words mean a lot to me. And it’s good to know Kolyat will have friends even after I’m gone.”

“We’ll look out for him,” Shepard said. “Although I don’t know if you want Zaeed to be your babysitter.”

Thane chuckled. “Perhaps not all the time.”

Shepard leaned against the wall next to Thane. Kasumi had disappeared, and Tali joined Cortez, Joker, and Traynor as they talked about Shepard’s new Jaeger. James carried a smug grin as he pushed Jacob’s buttons, and Miranda sat on the bar as she taught Mordin the lyrics of the song, a look of frustration crossing her face when Mordin tried to rewrite them to be better suited to the female Krogan.

Wrex and the female Krogan sat on the couch on either side of Samara, thoughtfully listening to Zaeed’s speech, sometimes throwing a word his way for help when Zaeed stumbled. Kolyat consistently looked to Thane and Shepard, his eyes begging for help.

“How long do we leave him like this?” Shepard asked.

“I think it would be incredibly rude to interrupt Zaeed’s speech,” Thane said, smiling at her.

Shepard returned it. She had grown used to Thane just being a friend. It didn’t hurt quite so much to just stand with him. She stiffened as he said, “Siha, I made a mistake.” When she turned to face him, he said, “I shouldn’t have turned you away. I thought both of us would be happier apart, but it seems foolish to waste whatever time I have left apart. It will hurt you just as much.”

Shepard avoided his eye.

“You haven’t changed your mind?” Thane asked.

“No,” she laughed. “No, of course not.”

She twined her fingers in with Thane’s, and when he noticed the tears in her eyes, he pulled her close and cupped her cheek so no one else would see. “I’ve cheated us of time,” Thane said.

“Let’s just focus on now,” Shepard said, nuzzling into his neck. “I don’t want you to feel any regret.”

When she kissed his neck, Thane touched her chin and drew her lips in for a soft kiss. Shepard started, “What do you say we sneak off-”

The kaiju alarm went off through the building. Tali asked, “Twice in one day?”

Anderson said over the alarms, “All Jaeger pilots report to the docking bay immediately. We’re looking at a swarm of kaiju - maybe twenty.”

Panic hit Shepard, and she pulled away from Thane. “Who’s sober enough to pilot?”

“Tali and me,” Kasumi said, revealing herself.

“The Geth and I should manage fine,” Samara said.

Zaeed said, “I can handle myself,” as he leaned heavily on Kolyat.

“Zaeed, I’m taking Jessie,” Shepard said. “You’re in shit shape.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I could handle it either, Commander,” James said.

“I think Miranda and I are out,” Jacob said, looking to Miranda who gave him a nod. “Sorry, Commander. I didn’t expect-”

“It’s fine,” Shepard said. “Krogans?”

“Grunt’s passed out behind the bar,” Wrex said.

“I’m afraid I am compromised, Commander,” Mordin said.

Shepard said to Wrex, “Are you and the female Krogan drift compatible?”

Wrex shrugged. “We haven’t even tried. It’s not worth the risk now.”

“Sorry to let you down, Commander,” the female Krogan said.

“So it’s just the three of us?” Shepard asked. “Where’s Garrus?”

“If Garrus doesn’t arrive, I will be your substitute,” Thane said.

“Shit,” Shepard said. “All right. Suit up.”

Thane gave Kolyat a quick hug before Shepard, Samara, Tali, Kasumi, Thane, and Cortez rushed to the Docking Bay. The Geth waited patiently for Samara to appear. Thane started suiting up when Garrus didn’t appear. “We don’t wait,” Shepard said to Thane. To the rest of the group, she said, “We stay close, we watch each other’s back, but top priority is keeping them away from the Shatterdome, all right?”

There were nods and the group separated into their separate Jaegers. Shepard took one last look for Garrus and then went into Jessie with Thane. As the Jaegers left the Docking Bay, Cortez said over the comm, “Be careful, Commander. There’s something off about the group. They’re packed tightly together, so we can’t see any anomalies, but I don’t bet they aren’t there.”

“You think a Reaper might be hiding in them?”

“Maybe,” Cortez said. “Who knows. Would you rather Joker was your tech? He’s arriving now.”

“You know Jessie,” Shepard said, “so I want you in my ear. Keep Joker close by to watch our vitals. He’ll know if something goes wrong with Thane.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Joker said over the Comm, “I’m here Commander. You’re about a minute away until you all can start shooting.”

“You hear that?” Shepard asked over the comm. “Guns at the ready.”

“Wait, what’s that?” Cortez asked.

“What’s what?” Joker asked.

“There’s something small and fast on the radar,” Cortez said. “Maybe another Jaeger.”

“I do not have visual,” Samara said. “What do you think Commander, wait or pursue the Kaiju?”

“Pursue the Kaiju,” Shepard said. “Keep your eyes open though.”

“Yes, Commander.”

“Shepard,” Joker said. “Liara and Feron are about to launch and join you using Jacob and Miranda’s Jaeger.”

“What?”

“They’re fine,” Joker said. “I guess they wanted to surprise you when their Jaeger came in, but they didn’t want to leave you stranded today.”

“We’re at your side, Commander,” Liara said.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Shepard asked.

“Perfect shape,” Feron said.

“Then let’s kick some Kaiju ass,” Shepard said.

*

“Oh shit,” Kaidan groaned.

Garrus considered how interesting it was that human’s flesh was so sensitive. He curled his tongue around the head of Kaidan’s erection, gently pulling back the foreskin to reveal more of its head. A pleasing throb went through him as he watched Kaidan bite his lower lip as the alarm went off.

“Oh shit,” Kaidan repeated, sitting upright.

Garrus pulled his head out from between Kaidan’s thighs, and the two stumbled in the sheets tangled between them as they tried to stand. “I have to get dressed,” Garrus said, trying to pull the sheets off of him and find his clothes in the pile. He paused and said, “Your arm is broken - do you, do you need help?”

“I’m fine, just hurry,” Kaidan said, trying to separate his clothes from Garrus’.

Garrus threw his shirt over his head, and when Kaidan got his shirt stuck on his cast, Garrus tried to help. “Garrus, don’t worry about me, just get pants on and go!”

Garrus stepped into his pants and pulled them up as he ran to the docking bay. “Garrus!” James said as he passed the lounge.

“You’re still here?” Garrus asked, letting a little bit of relief hit him.

“Shep won’t let us fly,” James said. “She’s taking Jessie. Where were you?”

Garrus cursed under his breath and returned to running instead of talking to James. He gave Joker a nod as he passed him. “There’s no way you’re going to make it,” Joker said. “She’s flying out with Thane if you don’t!”

Garrus made it into the docking bay just in time to see the Jaegers leave the docking bay. “Shit,” Garrus said, panting.

He noticed Cortez in position, and he decided to take a step back. He went up onto a platform and leaned against a railing to watch. There were screens overhead displaying the interiors of the Jaegers. Thane and Shepard looked confident together. He saw Liara and Feron suiting up to get into a Jaeger. 

Kaidan leaned against the railing next to him. “We fucked this up, right?”

“Yeah,” Garrus said. “It’s not much stress relief when it causes more stress, but we couldn’t have known there’d be a second wave-”

“There’s the anomaly again,” Cortez said. He raised his voice and said, “Shepard, it’s a Cerberus Jaeger! It herded the Kaiju here! Be careful!”

Anderson on the comm overhead said, “Personnel get to the manual defenses. Don’t let that Jaeger in. Shepard, we’ve got your back.”

Garrus noticed the Cerberus Jaeger for a split moment. It was easily half the size of their Jaegers. “Kaidan, we should get suited up.”

“Garrus, I wasn’t flirting with you when I said I couldn’t drift with you.”

“It’s not for a Jaeger. We should go out and shoot if we can. Can you still shoot?”

“Yeah, I can shoot. Let’s go.”

Shepard, meanwhile, caught glimpses of the white Jaeger as she and Thane fought the Kaiju. “This thing is on my ass,” Shepard said. “Is it bothering anyone else?”

“The Kaiju are our only threat,” Samara said.

“Same here,” Tali said.

“Could it be after you, personally?” Joker asked. “Because the Reapers seemed to be personally targeting you - so why not Cerberus too?”

“It would certainly be a dent to morale if something were to happen to Shepard,” Thane said. “Cerberus may gain more supporters. Anderson’s project may lose a lot of personnel and funding.”

“We’re here,” Liara said. “I’ll watch your back, Shepard.”

“No, first priority is making sure nothing - no Kaiju, no Cerberus - gets to the Shatterdome. Thane and I might have to take a break from the Kaiju to swat this Cerberus fly.”

“Here he comes,” Shepard said.

Thane and Shepard fired at the Cerberus Jaeger as it flew towards them. They shot off its arm, but it didn’t back down. It fired into their cockpit and shattered the visor.

“Thane - he’s trying to get in.”

The Jaeger launched into Jessie’s torso as the pilot ejected, pulling himself into their cockpit. They tried to pull him out with the Jaeger’s hand, but he slipped out of their grasp. A Kaiju jumped on them, and they pulled out their sword to fight it. “Thane, break away from me and kill that son of a bitch,” Shepard said. “I’ll handle the kaiju.”

“Shepard, are you certain-”

“We don’t have another choice, here, Thane. I’ll see if I can knock him off.”

Shepard’s head ached as Thane disconnected. He began firing at the Cerberus soldier. He easily dodged Thane’s shots, and he carried a sword as he flew down towards him. “Be careful,” Shepard said.

“Watch the kaiju,” Thane said. “I can handle myself.”

Shepard began fighting the kaiju, glancing at Thane to make sure her jostles only threw off the Cerberus soldier. “This one’s very quick,” Thane said.

“But no match for you, right?” Shepard asked.

She stabbed the kaiju and kicked it off the blade.

“Shepard, could you stab through the Jaeger and hit him?” Thane asked.

“The sword’s too big and he’s too close to you,” Shepard said. “I’ll kill both of you.”

Another kaiju pounced onto the Jessie, knocking Thane and the Cerberus soldier over. Shepard yelled as she drove the blade through it and positioned herself back upright. The Kaiju clawed against her as she sliced off its arm. “Shepard, he keeps going after you,” Thane said, breathing heavily. “If something happens-”

“Nothing’s going to happen, Thane. Kill him.”

“He’s too fast,” Thane said. “Stab us both.”

“I can’t do it,” Shepard said. “There’s no way I’m doing that.”

Shepard saw the Cerberus soldier charge at her from the corner of her eye, and Thane blocked him. The soldier’s shields blocked the bullets Thane fired, and Thane pushed him back as he started to breach his shield. The Kaiju tried to tear through Jessie, and Shepard sliced through its stomach. Blood oozed down her nose.

“Shepard-”

Shepard turned to see the Cerberus soldier drive his sword through Thane’s chest. “Thane!”

The Cerberus soldier pressed his foot against Thane’s body as he drew out the sword. He charged at Shepard, and Shepard drove the Jaeger’s sword into the unit. The blade tore through the unit and sliced the Cerberus soldier in half just as his sword sunk into her armor, but not deep enough to hit skin. Pain shot through her arm. She noticed her arm stuck on Jaeger’s blade. That hit skin.

“Thane? Thane, can you hear me?”

“I’m here, Commander.”

“I got the son of a bitch, Thane. He’s dead.”

“Shepard, your arm-”

“Don’t worry about it. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Liara said, “Shepard, you have to get back to the Shatterdome.”

“How many kaiju are left?” Shepard asked.

The Geth said, “We will destroy those left, Shepard-Commander. Please return to the Shatterdome for medical assistance.”

“All right, Geth,” Shepard said. “You heard him, Thane.”

With the Cerberus soldier’s blade pressing against her chest, and Jessie’s blade pressing against her arm, she slowly retreated back to the Shatterdome. The pain in her head overwhelmed the pain in her arm. She wasn’t sure she’d make it in.

Garrus and Kaidan watched from exterior the Shatterdome with their guns at the ready. Jessie was coated in kaiju blood, and it looked pretty pathetic with its own sword through its chest. Garrus said to Kaidan, “She’s coming in. Come on.”

They left their positions on the exterior of the Shatterdome to move back into the docking bay. They took off their helmets as Jessie landed on her knees. Shepard opened the cockpit, and Garrus watched as the medical team quickly moved in. Shepard fell out of the Jaeger and landed on the floor, but her arm stayed back in the cockpit against Jessie’s blade.


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard awoke in the Medical Bay. Garrus’ face surprised her. “Everyone okay?” she asked.

“The other jaegers got in fine,” Garrus said. “If you want to hit me, go ahead.”

“For what?”

“For not being there.”

Shepard laughed and then winced at the pain. “Garrus, I know you’re good at what you do, but when it comes to close combat with a Cerberus assassin, I’m going to choose Thane any day. Your being late probably saved my life.”

“You killed the assassin,” Garrus said.

Shepard shrugged. “The timing was perfect. Thane was down and out of the way. The Kaiju was off my back - Garrus, I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you at all.”

Garrus hardly looked convinced, and he lowered his voice as he said, “Listen, Thane’s not well.”

“He said he was fine.”

“Well, he’s not,” Garrus said. “I don’t know the medical terms, but-”

Shepard sat upright to see Thane, but she felt dizzy as she slid out of the bed. When she tried to grip Garrus to steady herself, she found nothing to reach out with. Garrus wrapped his arm around her waist just as she looked to notice her arm was gone.

“Well, fuck,” Shepard said.

“Like I said, you can hit me.”

Shepard shook her head. “None of this is on you, Garrus. And I’d give more than my arm to get Thane a few extra minutes of life,” she said. “Come on, help me over there.”

Garrus helped Shepard into a chair next to Thane’s bed. Kolyat stood on the other side of Thane who laid on the bed with an oxygen mask on, and Garrus excused himself as Dr. Chakwas arrived. He left the Med Bay and found Kaidan waiting outside of it.

“How are they?” Kaidan asked. “Thane’s not - he’s not going to make the night, is he?”

Garrus shook his head. “Shepard said she’d give more than her arm to get him a few extra minutes of life.”

“Heard they reconciled just before all this happened,” Kaidan said.

“Yeah, I heard that too,” Garrus said. “Are you all right?”

Kaidan shrugged. “Yeah, I mean-” He looked at Garrus and then quickly looked away. Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he leaned against the wall. “Yeah. I’m hanging in.”

Liara approached them. “Is Shepard conscious?”

“Yes, but she’s with Thane,” Garrus said. “This might be it, so I thought-”

“Privacy, right,” Liara said, looking in over Garrus’ shoulder. “Are you just standing here waiting even though they can see you through the glass?”

“What else are we going to do?” Kaidan asked.

Liara looked back inside. “Will I clog up the hallway too much if I wait too?” she asked. “I’ll lean against the wall as well.”

Liara folded her hands behind her back and leaned next to Garrus. Garrus smiled at her, and she returned it. “Did you have a chance to talk to Thane?” Liara asked Garrus.

“Yeah, before Shepard woke up. He held my hand for a moment and said, ‘It’s been an honour.’ He’s really weak, so I didn’t encourage conversation. I sat with him for a while and then moved to Shepard to give his son a few moments with him. Did you?”

“Yes,” Liara said. Her voice cracked as she said, “He told me to take care of Shepard.”

Kaidan rubbed his face. Garrus said, “Did you-”

“I just went in and said, ‘Sorry.’ He shook his head and squeezed my hand. He said, ‘There’s nothing to apologize for.’ I smiled and waited for a moment, and then I just left. What am I going to say?”

Garrus and Liara didn’t reply. Kaidan rubbed his temples and said, “It’s strange knowing a person completely and yet not knowing them at all.” Liara smiled at Garrus, and Garrus rubbed the back of his neck. Kaidan added, “I guess I don’t have to tell you two.”

The three stayed in silence until Shepard stormed through the Med Bay doors. Dr. Chakwas chased after her and said, “You need to spend the night here. Your bandages need to be changed-”

“I can’t go back in there,” Shepard said.

“Go for a walk and there won’t be anything to upset you when you come back,” she said.

“That’s bullshit,” Shepard said. “I want to sleep in my own bed. I can’t go back into that room.”

“I’ll watch her,” Liara said. “I can change her bandages.”

“Dr. T’Soni, you’re not a medical doctor.”

“But I know what I’m doing,” Liara said. “If there’s any sign of trouble, you’ll be the first person I call. Regardless of how much Shepard protests.”

Dr. Chakwas looked at Shepard and sighed. “All right,” she said. “I’ll grab some bandages for you to take with you.”

Liara said to Shepard, “I can meet you in your room.”

Shepard nodded and squeezed Liara’s hand. “Thank you,” she said.

“Anytime.”

“He prayed for me,” she said. “I can’t - I have to go.”

“I’ll meet you there,” Liara said. “Go ahead.”

Shepard nodded and left. Dr. Chakwas brought Liara a bag of bandages and Liara excused herself. Garrus and Kaidan waited outside the Med Bay. “How long are you planning to stay here?” Garrus asked.

“I don’t have a room, remember?” Kaidan said. “I’m living in the Med Bay.”

“They’re still drinking in the lounge,” Garrus said.

“I don’t really feel like being around people.”

“Do you want to wait in my room?” Garrus said. “I’m not coming onto you or anything - I don’t have to be there.”

“You mean it?”

“Yeah, I’ll go get drunk in the lounge.”

“I have a killer migraine,” Kaidan said. “I’d love a few minutes just to, you know, sit.”

“Yeah, sure,” Garrus said. “Go ahead. I’ll talk to you later.”

Kaidan gave him a nod and left. Garrus headed to the lounge and found the party considerably quieter. Those who hadn’t drank continued to be sober out of fear of more Kaiju. Those who had drunk before slowed down drastically. When Garrus entered, Tali asked, “How’s Shepard?”

“She just left the Med Bay,” Garrus said. “Didn’t want to talk. Liara’s taking care of her.”

“And Thane?” Zaeed asked.

“Gone,” Garrus said.

Zaeed cursed under his breath. “That poor kid.”

James started, “If we hadn’t started the party early-”

Garrus quickly said, “No. It wouldn’t have mattered if we had everyone in the air or if it had been Shepard alone. That Cerberus soldier jumped into her Jaeger specifically. If it had been anyone other than Thane, Shepard wouldn’t have made it out alive. This isn’t on anyone’s back except for those Cerberus bastards.”

“I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that until you said it,” Miranda said.

“That Cerberus agent herded the kaiju as a distraction. And he was piloting the Jaeger alone. He wanted Shepard dead,” Tali said. “I’d never seen anyone herd them before.”

“Cerberus is getting into some pretty nasty shit,” Jacob said. “Who knows what they’ve done to figure that out.”

“So do we bust their heads in, or what?” Wrex asked.

“It’ll be Anderson’s call, I guess,” Joker said. “Shepard will be all for busting heads though.”

They all sat silent for a moment, and then they began to reminisce. With Liara and Kaidan absent, the rest of the team had few stories to tell. Garrus lingered quietly, unsure of what story to tell. The one where he hit on Shepard’s ex? The one where he told her he couldn’t pilot with her? As he listened, they began to tell stories of the rumours and news reports they had heard about Shepard, and it hit Garrus suddenly how much she had inspired all of them. Little Tali from the fleet believing she could be something bigger. The thief Kasumi realizing she had skills to contribute. 

Garrus thought of Shepard storming out of the Med Bay. He hadn’t considered how defeated she looked then, and her face haunted him now. After excusing himself, Garrus walked back to his room and was surprised to find Kaidan asleep. He watched him for a minute. He knew what Kaidan felt like in his arms. He knew he’d toss and turn in his sleep. He knew he’d murmur under his breath and pull the sheets tighter around him. Garrus stepped out of the room and locked the door. He didn’t want to kick Kaidan out, and he didn’t feel comfortable sleeping with him.

But where would he go?

He went to the Starboard Observatory. This longue was notably lower quality than the lounge on the Port side, and he reclined in one of the chairs, disappointed how much more worn-in it was.

He was wide awake.

Garrus wondered what Shepard was doing. Was she finally asleep? Did Liara work at a table or cuddle under the sheets with her? Was she all right?

Garrus got back up and spent some time in the Docking Bay, watching the construction of his new Jaeger. Since kaiju attacked any time of day, most of the routines on the Shatterdome were shiftwork. There was never a time when everything was still, and Garrus was thankful for it. Specialist Traynor gave him a smile and wave, and he waved back.

He spent most of the night watching his Jaeger’s construction and watching the news. When he thought that Shepard might be awake, he quietly knocked on her door. Liara answered. “She’s up,” Liara said with a smile.

“Feeling like company?” Garrus asked.

“Drag the turian in,” Shepard said.

“We’re just changing her bandages,” Liara said, “so she’s a little-”

“He’s seen it all already,” Shepard said. “Bring him in.”

Garrus came into the room and Liara closed the door behind him. Shepard sat with her back to the door without a shirt. Garrus casually looked away, pretending to busy himself with the models on her desk. Liara wrapped up Shepard’s wound and said, “It looks good, all things considered. We’ll have to wait until it fully heals before we can look into a prosthetic.”

“Does it feel strange?” Garrus asked.

“Sometimes,” Shepard said. “I reach to grab things a lot. I never realized how much I used my left hand.”

Shepard shooed Liara away as she put on a shirt. Garrus was surprised that Shepard had her confidence back. She acted as if she hadn’t lost the love of her life the night before. Garrus asked, “Is it going to change the way we drift?”

“Probably not,” Shepard said. “We’ll still be able to move the Jaeger’s hands no problem. There’ve been others with missing limbs drifting before.”

“Are we going to need to spend more time in the drift practicing?”

“If it’s all the same to you, Garrus, I’m going to need a day or two.”

“Take all the time you need.”

Shepard turned and offered him a smile. “Dr. Chakwas won’t let me pilot immediately either, so we’re grounded for the time being. Seems kind of unfair she let Thane pilot all those times and not me.”

“She just wants to make sure you don’t reopen your wound,” Liara said. “Plus, you didn’t see your face when you came out of the Jaeger. Your helmet had a lot of blood in it, and you were extremely pale as you came out of it. I don’t think you should pilot a Jaeger alone again.”

“I won’t be late again,” Garrus said. “I’ll always be at Shepard’s side.”

“Glad to hear it,” Shepard said. “Who do we make number 2 in our absence?”

Liara cleared her throat.

“Who’s going to baby me if you’re always on the field?” Shepard asked, leaning into Liara’s touch.

Huffing, Liara said, “You’re just worried.”

“Damn right I am,” Shepard said. “What do you think of Miranda and Jacob? They’re extremely experienced. The others all respect them for leaving Cerberus. And they’re level-headed. I love the Krogans, but I wouldn’t want to leave them to make a decision. Neither Zaeed and James.”

“And I suspect the Geth and Samara won’t command the same authority,” Garrus said.

“They’re not as likely to be trusted,” Liara said. “Neither Tali and Kasumi, for that matter. Plus, it’ll be hard for them to lead if no one can see their Jaeger.”

“Any objections to Miranda and Jacob?” Shepard asked.

“I can’t think of any,” Garrus said.

Liara said, “I’m not sure they’ll be trusted to the same degree as some of the others, but they’re stronger in other areas. I wouldn’t follow them on a suicide mission, but I’d follow them pretty far.”

“All right, I’ll call them up and give them the news. If they accept, I’ll announce it to the others later.”

“How long are we going to be grounded for?” Garrus asked.

“A week, maybe,” Shepard said. “And I received an e-mail from Zaeed kindly telling me I can borrow Jessie anytime, but that the damages better be on the Project’s bill.”

Garrus said, “And by kindly you mean lots of cursing.”

“Exactly.”

“All right, well, then, I’ll leave you to it,” Garrus said. “I guess we’ll talk later?”

“Sure,” Shepard said. “Come on up anytime. I’ll be here.”

“All right,” Garrus said with a smile.

As he left Shepard’s room, he saw Kaidan loitering nearby. Garrus asked, “Are you waiting for me or trying to decide whether or not to knock?”

“I took a lap and thought this might be where you’d be,” Kaidan said. “I thought about knocking on the door, but I couldn’t think of what to say to Shepard.”

“She didn’t even bring it up,” Garrus said. “I didn’t know if I should or not.”

“Well, you have to say something.”

“I didn’t.”

Kaidan scratched his head. “Well, I’ve gotta say something sometime.”

“Whatever makes you happy, Kaidan.”

“Listen, I have to talk to you.”

Garrus said, “Miranda and Jacob are coming up. Can we talk somewhere else?”

“Back to your room for privacy?”

“Sure,” Garrus said.

Garrus found the silence between them uncomfortable as they returned to his room. He found his bed made and his shelves tidied. He sat down on the bed, and Kaidan leaned against the door when it closed. He knew something was wrong. “What are we doing?” Kaidan asked.

“Right now?” Garrus asked. “Or just in general?”

“I mean us.”

“Ah.”

“Are we planning to be a couple? Are we just blowing off steam? It’s just - when I keep you from where you need to be - it’s not stress relief anymore.”

“I thought you didn’t want to be together as a couple,” Garrus said.

“I guess the problem is I don’t know,” Kaidan said. “Maybe - maybe we should wait. If, by some miracle, we survive this, then we go for it.”

Garrus laughed. “Listen, I don’t want to be with someone who needs the world to end before I can be with him. I understand wanting to be discreet, sure, but if we are all going to die, I don’t want to wait. What’s the point?”

Kaidan didn’t reply right away and he scratched at the stubble on his face. He said, “I guess all of this is going to go right into Shepard’s head.”

“Don’t factor her into this,” Garrus said. “This is about you and me. If you want a relationship, I say let’s try. If you just want to mess around, I say you should undress immediately. If you want me to wait until we save the universe, then I’ll tell you to talk to me afterwards, but don’t act like we are anything before then - and I don’t want you having a temper tantrum if I mess around with someone else.”

Kaidan laughed. “Who else are you going to mess around with?”

“Hey, you saw how seductive I can be, Alenko. I can get anyone on the Shatterdome.”

“Anderson.”

Garrus hesitated. “Yeah, I bet I could.”

Kaidan smirked and stood straighter as he pulled away from the wall. “Listen, I’m not much of a mess around guy. I know I’m too serious sometimes, but that kind of hits the relationship thing too. If I’m in, I’m all in, Garrus.”

“Hell, Kaidan. What do you think is going to happen? If you want a relationship, I’m in. Completely. And I won’t think you’ve dumped me until you specifically tell me I am dumped.”

“All right,” Kaidan said.

“All right we’re doing this?”

“All right I’m going to think about it,” Kaidan said. “I think I’m going to take a breather in the lounge.”

“Can I make one suggestion?”

“Sure.”

“Regardless of what you decide about us,” Garrus said, “get your own room. I know you have stuff at Shepard’s and you’re too embarrassed to go pick it up.”

“What gives it away?”

“You haven’t shaved,” Garrus said. “Anyway, it’s just, if we’re going to be in a relationship, you’re probably still going to want your own space, right? Do you really want to hop from one person’s room into another?”

Kaidan shrugged. “It doesn’t really bother me. I haven’t accumulated much.”

“Well, think about it,” Garrus said.

Kaidan nodded. “All right, I will,” he said. “I’ll talk to you later.”

*

“Really Commander?” Jacob asked. “You want us as your number two?”

“Do you really think the others will listen to us?” Miranda asked.

“I’m sure there’ll be some doubt on the floor, but the other pilots trust you and respect that you’ve left Cerberus. And I trust you’ll make the most reasonable decisions under pressure.”

“You mean, more so than the others,” Miranda said with a smile.

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “We have a lot of pilots that just enjoy the fight, which is good, but it doesn’t necessarily make for strong leadership. I have a feeling if I put Wrex and Grunt in charge, they’d just chase the kaiju to the ends of the earth and have you all take them out on their own.”

“Can’t say I disagree with them,” Jacob said with a laugh, “but I understand - there’s a time and a place. Keep the unit strong until we can hit them in their home.”

“Exactly,” Shepard said. “You both understand that we can’t take unnecessary risks, probably even more so than me, and you value the lives of everyone on your team.”

Miranda and Jacob exchanged looks. “Should we talk about it?” Miranda asked.

“I’m in if you are,” Jacob replied.

“Then we’re in,” Miranda said. “I think you’ll face some backlash, particularly concerning the recent Cerberus attack.”

“Let me announce it,” Shepard said. “I won’t say anything today unless kaiju hit us again. If anyone has a problem, you point them to me, okay?”

“Yes, Commander,” Jacob said.

“And Commander?” Miranda said. “Thanks for this opportunity. We’re not going to let you down.”

“That’s why I’m giving you the job,” Shepard said with a laugh. “If there’s nothing else-”

“Actually there is,” Jacob said. “I’d hate to ask you this because of your current condition and our new position, but we heard you were helping people chase down their loose ends. And we have some loose ends.”

“Send me the details and we’ll get it done,” Shepard said. “I’ll personally be there to support both of you. Are any of them time sensitive?”

“Mine is,” Miranda said. “We’ve got a few days, but I’m not expecting you to be there personally - I just need the time off and a ride.”

Shepard smiled. “I’ll be there. Dr. Chakwas will have to strap me to a hospital bed to keep me from coming. And you’ll get your time off and a ride. I’ll put Mordin and the Female Krogan in charge while we’re all gone. Can we wrap them both up in a day?”

“Possibly,” Miranda said.

“And yours isn’t time sensitive, Jacob?”

“No, Commander,” he replied. “I’m restless about it, but it’s waited so long, it’s not a priority.”

“I better hear the details,” Shepard said. “It sounds like a priority to you.”

Jacob and Miranda told Shepard the details of their personal missions, and Shepard nodded as she listened intently. She appreciated having a new focus, though she worried about her crew’s mental state if things went wrong. They came up with several different plans of action, and all three of them felt more comfortable with a clear plan in place. 

Just as the pair were leaving Shepard’s room, Shepard got a knock on her door. She let Jacob and Miranda out to see Kaidan waiting for her. “Do you want to talk in the hallway or do you want to come in?” she asked, giving Miranda and Jacob a wave.

“I’ll come in,” Kaidan said. “Some of my stuff is in there, and I was hoping to pick it up.”

“I’m really going to miss your razor, Kaidan,” Shepard said with a smile, closing the door behind him as he entered.

Kaidan took a look around Shepard’s room, but before he did anything further, he turned to her and said, “How are you holding up?”

Shepard hated him for asking. She wanted people to tiptoe around her and avoid the topic. It was worse that Kaidan asked too – she wanted to be honest and confide in him, but she didn’t feel like she could anymore. 

“Trying not to think about it, to be honest,” Shepard said with a half-smile.

“The missing arm or Thane?”

“Thane,” Shepard said. “Missing arm is manageable. Liara’s popping in later to change my bandages again. I’m on a ton of painkillers.” She hesitated and then said, “Are you okay? I know Thane wasn’t your favourite person, but I know how memories can jumble up when we drift.”

Kaidan sighed. “I just - I feel like an asshole, Shepard. I went to see him before he went, and I didn’t even know what to say. If I hadn’t come between you-”

“Don’t even start into that,” Shepard said, sharply. “We can’t change anything, and you’ll do nothing but drag yourself down. We’re all adults. All of us made mistakes. I knew Thane was on his way out. I prepared for it. Nothing you did changed anything. This was just a little more dramatic than what I was prepared for, but it’s how Thane wanted to go.”

Kaidan nodded. “You’re right, Shepard. Of course you’re right.”

“Thane thought highly of you though,” Shepard said. “You don’t have to worry, all right? There’re no loose ends between you and him.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah, of course I’m sure,” Shepard said with a smile.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his head and looked around the room again. Shepard didn’t really want him to leave, and she suspected his hesitation meant he didn’t want to leave either. “Your beard is really filling out,” Shepard said.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, laughing awkwardly. “It grows in really fast. Do you - do you even know where your stuff ends and my stuff begins?”

“I think it’s all mine,” Shepard said. “You’ve just been borrowing my stuff.”

Kaidan chuckled again, but it was forced. “Are you having second thoughts?”

“You broke up with me, Kaidan.” Anger boiled inside of her, and she tried to push it off.

“Yeah, but I heard you reconciled with Thane right before - I mean, you need time to mourn, right?”

“Yeah, I’d like time to mourn,” Shepard said, “but you said you couldn’t handle it regardless of whether or not he’s alive. Kaidan, I can’t do this again, okay? I can’t have you say yes only to break up with me a week later. I’m not saying, hey, let’s get married, I’m just saying I need to know there’s going to be some stability.”

“You want me to be all in, if I’m in.”

Shepard hesitated. Did she want him back? Yeah, probably. She wanted to depend on him and confide in him again. She wanted to curl up in the crook of his arm. “Exactly.”

“Would you expect me to drift with you?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard shrugged. “I’ve got Garrus. It’d be up to you, really. It’d be easier on the team if you found someone else, since it’ll be harder for Garrus to find a partner.”

“I don’t want to drift with you anymore.”

“Well, that’s easier on me,” Shepard said, nodding.

“Do you think I need my own place?” Kaidan asked, turning to look at her. “I mean, if we got back together and I said I wanted my own room, would you be worried?”

Shepard shrugged. “Not really. I mean, sometimes I work the late shift and if we’re not piloting together, we’ll likely be on different shifts. It might be easier for you to have your own space, but Kaidan, you’re not the type of person who wants your own space. You like having me around and worrying about me and getting upset when Liara stays too late. You’re kind of controlling and needy. I’m all for you having your own home base - it’ll mean I don’t have to worry about tiptoeing around or waking you up, but what makes you think you’d even want your own space?”

“I just wanted to know what you thought,” Kaidan said. “Did you mention me getting my own room when I first came here? Or did I just move in?”

“I think you just moved in, but you didn’t want me out of your sight when we got back together.”

“I didn’t ever want you out of my sight,” Kaidan said, with a smile. “I know you can handle yourself, but trouble follows you around like a lost puppy - and you always try to take care of it like it was too.”

“Do you still think I can handle myself?”

Kaidan looked at Shepard. Her eyes were puffy with low bags beneath them. The toil of the previous day hung in her face and her smile, but her shoulders still carried confidence. She still held herself like a soldier.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. “Yeah, I still do.”

Shepard smiled.

“I’ll give you time to mourn,” Kaidan said, “and time to think. I’m - I’m going to think on it.”

When he started heading towards the door, Shepard said, “At least take your razor.”

“Yeah, all right,” Kaidan said.

Shepard went into the bathroom to grab his razor. She smiled as she looked into her clean sink. He always rinsed out the sink afterwards to make sure no hair lingered. “I have your toothbrush here as well,” Shepard said. “Have you just not been brushing your teeth?”

“Dr. Chakwas gave me one,” Kaidan said. “Leave it there.”

Shepard hesitated. She looked at her toothbrush next to his in the cup. “All right,” she said. 

She came back out and gave Kaidan the razor. “Do you need any clothes?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. “Yeah, I really do.”

He just stood in the doorway holding his razor. Shepard covered her smile with her hand. He looked completely lost. It was endearing.

“Shepard, do you care if I shower and shave here?” Kaidan asked. “I’ll just be in and out. I won’t linger.”

“Go ahead,” Shepard said.

“Perfect,” Kaidan said. “I’ll try to be quick.”

“Kaidan, you take the longest showers,” Shepard said. “I know better than to think you’ll be quick.”

“Can I use your body wash?”

“Go ahead.”

“Loofa?”

“Just use whatever you want,” Shepard said with a laugh. Kaidan gave her a smile, and Shepard added, “Take your time.”

She dropped back onto the bed as Kaidan went into the washroom. Her smile faded as thoughts about Thane washed over her. She wouldn’t have him wrapping his arms around her in the shower again. She wouldn’t feel his lips on her neck. The shower started to run and she wondered what Kaidan was thinking. What was she thinking?

A knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts, and she answered to see Zaeed. “Can I come in for a minute, Shep?”

“Yeah,” she said. “What can I do for you?”

“Kasumi overheard Miranda and Jacob talking about you going on a mission with them,” Zaeed said. “You’re not going to let me go with you, are you?”

“I’ll probably get Garrus to come with us,” Shepard said. “I can’t afford bringing another pilot. I want as many Jaegers as I can available.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Zaeed said. “Now you’re not going to like this idea because it means leaving your room, but I want to take you to the shooting range. I know how to reload a gun one handed, and your favourite is the assault rifle, right?”

“Yeah.”

“The Geth one?”

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “The Geth has been upgrading it for me. It feels different every time I use it.”

“I bet the doctors don’t want you to use that one with one arm, right?”

“Maybe Dr. Chakwas said something along those lines,” Shepard said.

“Let me show you how,” Zaeed said, “give you some practice.”

“All right,” Shepard said. “Sounds good. Liara’s just going to pop in to change my bandages, and then I’ll be good to go.”

“She’s just in the shower?”

“Oh, no,” Shepard said. “Kaidan’s in there.”

Zaeed hesitated. “Shepard, listen, I respect you a hell of a lot, but-”

“He’s just taking some stuff from when we broke up,” Shepard said with a smile. “He doesn’t have a place to stay, so I let him use the shower and grab some fresh clothes.”

“I thought he was bunking with the Turian.”

“We have a lot of Turians,” Shepard said.

“Garrus.”

Shepard shrugged. “I don’t know. I just know he came here for his razor and then asked if he could take a quick shower.”

“All right,” Zaeed said, “then let me change your bandages. I know how - probably better than the archaeologist - and I’ll know if it’s infected or not.”

“You just want to see how bad it is.”

Zaeed laughed. “You’re damn right I do.”

Shepard, thankful she had put on a bra before Jacob and Miranda showed up, took off her shirt. She slid off the straps as Zaeed took off the bandages. “God, it’s a beaut, Shepard.”

“Excuse me?” Kaidan said, walking out of the shower in a towel. “What’s going on?”

“Calm down, kid. I’m not complimenting her breasts,” Zaeed said. “She’s got the cleanest cut I’ve ever seen here. Lucky bastard.”

Zaeed put some of the Medi-Gel in his hand and applied it as Kaidan approached them. “He’s just changing my bandages so we can go down to the shooting range,” Shepard said.

“So you’re totally comfortable with Zaeed seeing you without a shirt on,” Kaidan said.

Shepard shrugged. It wasn’t like she was completely naked or something. “You’re walking around in just a towel.”

“I didn’t know he was here,” Kaidan said. “It would have been nice to know that.”

“I didn’t think you’d just walk out in a towel,” Shepard said.

“Would you feel better if I complimented her breasts?” Zaeed asked. “Is it weird that I’m ignoring them?”

“Shepard, you always do this to me,” Kaidan said.

“Do what?” Shepard asked, trying not to laugh as Zaeed applied the bandages again. “I really don’t understand what’s going on. We’re not together. Zaeed is being completely innocent, though a little flirtatious, but it’s not like he just ripped off my shirt.”

“You’re trying to get me jealous,” Kaidan said. “You’re trying to make me upset.”

“Kid, Shepard here is just trying to recover from a serious injury,” Zaeed said, standing up. “If you have a problem with her friends watching her back, then I have a problem with you.”

Shepard moved her bra straps back up and put on her shirt as she said, “Kaidan, I honestly didn’t even consider how you’d react. I just wanted to go to the shooting range and not think for a while.”

“But that’s our problem,” Kaidan said. “I hardly ever get factored into anything.”

“You really want to get into this now?” Shepard asked. “Right in front of Zaeed? Right after Thane dies? You want to talk about how you came here, looking pitiful and asking for your shit back, but lingering-”

“You didn’t tell me to go, Shepard.”

“That was clearly my mistake,” Shepard said. The anger boiled inside of her again. What the fuck was she thinking? “I’m going to go to the shooting range. You’re welcome to finish up, just lock up after you leave.”

“Do you want me to take my things?” Kaidan asked.

“Do whatever the fuck you want with your shit,” Shepard snapped. “I just don’t care.”

Shepard and Zaeed left. A drilling pain started in Shepard’s temple. Zaeed said, “How’d you end up with that asshole, anyway? I like Thane, but Kaidan’s a little too tightly-wound for my taste.”

“I don’t even know anymore,” Shepard said. “It’s complicated when you have history.”

“You got that right,” Zaeed said. “Was he really asking you to take him back?”

“He wanted to think about it,” Shepard said. “He wanted me to think about it.”

“Listen, I’m not one to stir the pot, but Kasumi saw Kaidan and your Turian co-pilot making the moves on each other,” Zaeed said. “I don’t want to see you get played because you’re hurt about Thane.”

“I appreciate you trying to look out for me, Zaeed, I really do. But I’m just so tired of talking about this shit,” she said. “I’m looking forward to just shooting.”

“All right,” Zaeed said. “That I’m happy to help with.”

As they grew nearer to the shooting range, Shepard began to relax. Zaeed walked beside her with confidence, glancing at her quickly before staring straight ahead. She said, “I’m really glad you didn’t bail on me after I punched you.”

“Shepard, you learn something about people pretty quickly in my line of work. The ones that punch you because they give a shit - either about other people or about you - you keep them around,” Zaeed said. “Remember that if I ever punch you.”

“I hope I never make that poor of a judgment,” Shepard said.

“I won’t bring it up again, but when I saw Kaidan walk out of the shower-”

“You don’t have to worry.”

“You can’t let grief get the better of you, Shepard.”

“I won’t.”

They arrived at the shooting range and found Wrex, Grunt, Joker, and Cortez already there. Joker and the Krogans fired, and Cortez stood with Joker, talking to him as he shot. They stopped when Shepard and Zaeed entered, giving her a nod. “How are you holding up, Commander?” Joker asked.

“I’m good,” Shepard said. “Zaeed’s teaching me to use an assault rifle with one hand.”

“This has got to be interesting,” Wrex said. “Grunt, you better watch too. Who knows what the battlefield will do to you.”

“Do you care if you have an audience, Commander?” Cortez asked.

“Go right ahead and watch,” Shepard said. “I’m all for education.”

Shepard grabbed her assault rifle while Zaeed took an ammo belt from his thigh. “May I?” he asked.

“Yeah sure,” Shepard said. “What do I owe you for it?”

“Nothing,” Zaeed said. “It’s a gift.”

Shepard nodded, and Zaeed hooked the belt around her thigh. “Show me your stance,” he said.

He lightly touched her and barked orders on the best stance. He said this would be specific to the Geth rifle since they had more recoil than the other guns because the Geth themselves were more stable than a human arm.

“But I don’t expect Shepard to switch up her favourites without a fight,” he said with a laugh. “Now, first we’re going to fire until you’re out of ammo and the magazine pops out. When it pops out, you raise your leg and bang it in. The ammo belt kicks the magazine in itself once pressure is on it, so you don’t have to worry about that. Just raise your leg and bang it in.”

“That’s handy,” Grunt said, inspecting Shepard’s leg.

“How hard do I have to punch you to get you to buy me one of those?” Joker asked.

“I think you’ll have to let me punch you,” Zaeed replied, “but I’ll be happy to direct you to the place I bought it from. All right, Shepard. Give it a try.”

Shepard aimed and then unloaded her gun on the target, trying to keep her stance steady. Her arm ached something fierce, but mostly she felt solid. When her clip kicked out, she raised her leg and banged the next clip in. She took a few more shots and then stopped.

“Lookin’ good, Commander,” Joker said.

“I knew nothing would hold you back, Shepard,” Wrex said.

“Thanks,” Shepard replied with a smile.

“All right, I’ve got another gift,” Zaeed said. “It goes on your chest, do you want to pin it on yourself?”

“Sure,” Shepard said.

Zaeed handed Shepard a beer bottle cap. She recognized it as Zaeed’s favourite brand. It was brewed on some colony Shepard had never heard of. She flipped it over and noticed a pin attached to it. “Where should I put it?” she asked.

“Raise your rifle,” he said. When she did, he continued, “On your right, just below your collarbone.”

She set down her rifle, and they patiently waited as she put it on. She liked that no one offered help. She lifted the rifle again.

Zaeed said, “Now where do you press to reload?”

Shepard held up the rifle and motioned at a button near the base of the handle.

“All right, take a few more shots and then bump it against your pin,” he said.

Shepard paused and practiced the movement. She then fired more before trying to hit the button against the pin. She missed it and cursed.

“It’ll take some practice,” Zaeed said.

“Is there anywhere else she can put it?” Cortez asked. “So it’s a smoother transition.”

Zaeed looked Shepard up and down. “Maybe on the side of your upper thigh?” he asked. “Try it there.”

“Just move it for me, would you?” Shepard said.

Zaeed said, “Tell me if I prick you.”

Shepard watched his face, which stiffened as he hesitatingly moved the pin from the one location to the other. He switched back to his confidence posture as he pulled away and said, “Fire away.”

Shepard aimed again and let out a few more shots before trying again. The clip shot out as she hit it against the pin, and then she quickly reloaded using the strap Zaeed gave her.

“You’ll want to try it a few more times before you really get the hang of it,” Zaeed said. “And you might need to move the pin depending on what gun you use. If you’re planning to switch guns a lot, we’ll have to look into other equipment you can use.”

“We’ll stick with this for now,” Shepard said. With a smirk, she added, “I don’t want my armour completely covered in your bottle caps.”

“It’d be a real shame to have to drink all those beers,” Zaeed said with a laugh. “And that cap is from the first beer I opened after we killed Vido.”

“I’m honoured,” Shepard said.

She meant it and smiled at Zaeed, who looked away and rubbed the back of his head. “All right, Shepard needs lots of practice, so shall we have a contest?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Grunt said, gripping Zaeed’s shoulder. “Precision training.”

“Can’t wait,” Shepard said.

Cortez took the booth on the other side of Shepard as Zaeed went into the one next to her. She tried not to take the contest too seriously and focussed on her aim and reloading, but she found it hard to shake off the playful insults as her arm grew sore. When the female Krogan joined them, she said, “What’re we doing here?”

Mordin was several steps behind her and started inspecting Zaeed’s gifts on Shepard. Joker said, “We’re trying to see who can consistently get the most accurate shots in. Zaeed’s kicking our ass.”

“Interesting adaptation,” Mordin said to Shepard. “Arm sore?”

“Very,” Shepard said.

“Can provide a brace. Will protect breast and help stability. With practice movement won’t be hindered.”

“It’s very nice of you to be concerned about my breasts, Mordin,” Shepard said with a smile.

“Human tissue similar to Salarians’. Breaks easily,” Mordin said. “Will ignore sexual implications of joke.”

Shepard laughed, and the female Krogan pulled Cortez out of his booth. “Please excuse me tiny human. Shepard and I will join forces and show the losers how it’s done.”

“My aim’s really off,” Shepard said.

“Forget precision,” the female Krogan said. “Kill count. Start up the simulator.”

“Wait,” Joker said. “Do you mean all of us against you and Shepard? Or each of us individually against you two as a team?”

“Please do not be foolish, delicate human. I want to be fair. Shepard and I against all of you.”

Wrex said, “You’re being foolish. It’s completely uneven, and Shepard still needs practice.”

“If you would like to add the other tiny human back onto your team, Shepard and I will accept that,” the female Krogan said.

“At least put Mordin on your team,” Zaeed said. “We don’t want to beat you bastards too badly.”

Mordin looked to the female Krogan, and she nodded for him to join. Shepard noticed Mordin offer her a wry smile back. The female Krogan added, “Only if you add the tiny human back on your team.”

“Cortez, it sounds like you’re in,” Shepard said.

“Aren’t I bigger than Zaeed?” Cortez asked under his breath. He set up the competition before standing in a booth and said, “Here we go.”

Shepard watched the countdown and then started to fire as the first simulation appeared.

*

“‘At least put Mordin on your team,’“ Joker said, faking Zaeed’s accent. “Yeah, good call, Zaeed.”

“How was I supposed to know they’d kick our ass?” Zaeed asked. “We had two Krogans on our team. Two.”

“In my defence, I might have gone easy on them,” Wrex said.

“I am really hung over,” Grunt said.

“I had a good time even if I got my ass kicked,” Cortez said. “Good game.”

The female Krogan walked slower behind the group, and Shepard lagged with her. She said to Shepard, “It looked like you needed a pick-me-up.”

“I really did need that,” Shepard said. “Even if Wrex claims to have gone easy on us. Thanks.”

“Anytime,” the female Krogan said. “We need to stick together.”

Grunt said ahead of them, “I swear Shepard has Krogan blood.”

“Where are we going now, team?” Joker asked. “Lounge?”

“I think I’m going to head back to my room,” Shepard said. “Liara’ll probably want to change my bandages.”

“I can do that again, Shepard,” Zaeed said. “Come on, your crew wants to spend time with you.”

“What’ll we do?” Cortez asked.

“I’d like to learn poker,” Wrex said. “I heard restraining facial expressions are involved.”

“Just don’t break the table,” Joker said.

“You in, Shepard?” Zaeed asked.

“All right, sure,” Shepard said. “Zaeed and I’ll take detour to Med Bay so I can grab fresh bandages, and then we’ll meet you in the lounge.”

Garrus, meanwhile, watched a newsfeed in the lounge with his feet up. He considered staying in his room, but he didn’t have enough activities to keep him occupied. He sat upright as the three Krogans, Mordin, Joker, and Cortez came into the room. “We’re teaching the Krogans poker,” Cortez said. “Want to help?”

“I think I’ll just observe so I’m not blamed when the table gets broken,” Garrus said. “Want me to turn the television off?”

“You can leave it on,” Joker said. “It won’t bother us.”

They sat around the table and Garrus stretched back on the couch, idly listening to both the group and the news. He was surprised when he heard Shepard’s voice down the hallway. He heard Zaeed say, “How’s the kid?”

“I only had a quick conversation with him in the morning,” Shepard said. “He can’t decide whether or not to say here. I’m trying to find a place for him so he can keep busy and feel useful, but it may be too painful for him to stay.”

“I’ll keep my ear to the ground,” Zaeed said. “Nowhere’s safe these days, and it’s nice to know he’s safe with us.”

As Zaeed and Shepard entered, Garrus noticed the sudden change between them. Garrus had never seen them unfriendly towards the other, but they had both always seemed a bit guarded around the other as if they purposely put a certain amount of space between them. Now they seemed like old friends, completely oblivious of how close they stood together or if they arms brushed against each other.

“Hey Commander,” Garrus said. “I didn’t expect to see you out.”

“I’m finally taking time out for poker,” Shepard said. “After Mordin, the female krogan, and myself all kicked their asses on the firing range.”

“That I’ve got to hear,” Garrus said. “I didn’t expect you to be on the firing range either.”

“I don’t need to hear the story of how I lost on a team with not one, but two krogans,” Joker said.

“I am hung over,” Grunt said.

“I went easy on them,” Wrex said.

“Excuses excuses,” the female krogan said. “They’re just too embarrassed to admit they were beaten by us.”

Shepard and Zaeed sat down at the table, and Garrus stayed comfortably on the couch, though he turned off the television so he could hear them clearly. They chatted and bantered, with Cortez and Zaeed explaining the rules. Joker refused to help, claiming he would accidentally give away his strategy. It turned out Shepard didn’t know Poker well at all, and she asked questions as the other two explained the rules.

As they started their first game, banter started between them. Joker said, “Zaeed, I heard you made a pass at Samara yesterday.”

“Yeah, I got turned down,” Zaeed said.

“I’m surprised,” Shepard said. “She seemed fond of you.”

“That was the problem,” Zaeed said. “She said she didn’t want to hear one of my stories and learn she’d have to kill me. I told her I’d lived a good life, being shot by a beautiful Asari was okay in my books.”

“And what’d she say?” Cortez asked.

“She said she’d likely use biotics and strangle me to death,” Zaeed said.

“And you said?” Shepard asked.

“I told her it sounded like a great way to go,” Zaeed said. He scoffed, “She wasn’t into it. A real shame.”

“I’m glad human relationships sound like Krogan ones,” Wrex said.

“Hey, not everyone has expectations like Zaeed,” Joker said. “I, for one, would not want my girlfriend to kill me. But I’m a simple man.”

There was a beat of silence as they considered the death of Thane, and Cortez quickly changed the topic back to the game. Garrus sat upright as Tali joined them, and Tali flipped the news back on. Garrus suspected Kasumi was somewhere, and when he looked around he noticed Shepard smiled as if someone whispered in her ear.

Miranda and Jacob arrived soon after, and Miranda and Tali chatted idly as Jacob watched the poker game, giving Grunt advice, who willingly accepted it. Garrus was surprised when Samara and the Geth entered. The Geth was hardly ever seen outside of the docking bay, and he wondered if it was checking up on Shepard. It watched the poker game with interest, and Samara stood and looked out the window quietly. 

When Liara and Feron eventually joined them, Feron sat beside Garrus with a smile while Liara fretted over Shepard. “She’s fine,” Zaeed said. “I checked the wound myself. It’s healing well. It’s a clean cut.”

“I’d really feel more comfortable if I could take a quick look,” Liara said. “Maybe we should change them again? I can’t believe you went to the firing range.”

“Give it a rest, Dr. T’Soni,” Zaeed said. “I know what I’m doing.”

“It looks like everyone is here,” Shepard said. “Wait, where’s James?”

“He’s sleeping off a hangover,” Zaeed said. “Jessie’s so damaged, we figured even if we did get attacked, we wouldn’t be on the field. She’ll be ready by tomorrow though, don’t worry, Commander.”

Shepard said, “Well you can pass the news along to him, then.” She stood up and said, “If I could get everyone’s attention for a moment.”

Tali switched off the television as everyone turned their attention to Shepard. She continued, “I just wanted to formally announce that Jacob and Miranda are officially my number two. If I am absent, or don’t make it out of a battle, they’ll be the team leader. They’ve earned everyone’s respect, and I trust them to act wisely under great pressure. If anyone has any concerns about this, you can feel free to talk to me about this, but I will not tolerate any passive aggressive or flat-out aggressive behaviour on or off the field - though I hardly expect it from this crew.

“In Jacob and Miranda’s absence, since the three of us will be going on a mission tomorrow, I leave Mordin and the female Krogan in charge. I trust them to know when to fight and when to back down, and I trust that the rest of the crew will give them the respect they deserve. If you have any problems with them, I expect you’ll know better than to tell either of them to their face.”

Grunt laughed and slapped Mordin on the back.

“Are there any concerns about these changes?”

No one spoke.

“All right, now that that’s over with, we can get back to relaxing.”

Garrus and Feron were dealt into the next round when Liara convinced Shepard to let her check on her wounds. When they came back, Liara admitted to Zaeed that she was impressed how well Shepard had been cared for. The day started to wear Shepard down, and instead of going for another game, she sat with Liara and Tali on the couch and talked to Miranda who sat at the bar. Shepard stretched out on the couch, leaning against Liara who absently had her arm wrapped around her, with Tali stuck managing Shepard’s legs. Garrus noticed Zaeed glancing her way, and he was hardly surprised that Kaidan avoided the scene entirely. No one was surprised when the kaiju alarms went off, and everyone reported to the docking bay.

Shepard and Zaeed leaned against the railing, watching as the Jaegers left. Garrus watched the pair for a minute, hardly expecting Zaeed to be an attentive friend. Kaidan stood next to Garrus. “Worried about her?” he asked.

“The thought that he’d take advantage of her crossed my mind,” Garrus said. “Or he might just be looking out for her. He gave her a few gadgets to help her reload with one hand.”

“I caught him and Shepard with her shirt off. He said he was changing her bandages, but-”

“I heard about that,” Garrus said. He wasn’t about to admit that he’d seen Shepard completely topless earlier that day. “Liara said he did a good job.”

“I don’t like him,” Kaidan said.

Garrus chuckled. “You play poker with him.”

“I don’t trust him,” Kaidan said. “He’s still a merc.”

“You think the reapers’ll pay him more to work for them?”

“I just mean I don’t think he’ll play by normal rules,” Kaidan said.

They were silent for a moment. “Where have you been all day?” Garrus asked.

“Cleaning my stuff out of Shepard’s apartment,” Kaidan said, “then I looked over the recruits coming in to see if there was someone coming over I might be able to drift with. Then I watched them build your new Jaeger for a while.”

“Did you look into your own room?”

“No,” Kaidan said. “I think I’ll just crash in the lounge tonight.”

Anderson approached Shepard and Zaeed. Zaeed backed off as the pair talked, and he smiled at Kaidan and Garrus. It was a smug smile. “Shit,” Kaidan said under his breath.

Zaeed approached and asked, “Worried I’m going to steal your girl?” When Kaidan didn’t reply, Zaeed said, “At least I’d have the decency to wait until her boyfriend is cold in the ground.”

Kaidan thinned his lips. 

As the words sunk in, Garrus said, “Wait, what does that mean?”

“Nothing,” Kaidan said.

“Oh, you’re not going to tell your new beau?” Zaeed asked.

“We’re not together,” Garrus said, determined not to let Zaeed stir the pot. 

The conversation unsettled him though. Zaeed and Kaidan may not have always seen eye-to-eye, but there was respect there before. There wasn’t anymore, and he wasn’t sure whose side to be on.

“Well that’s lucky for you,” Zaeed said.

Shepard turned around and noticed Zaeed talking to them. She waved him back over, and Zaeed winked at Kaidan. Garrus rightly assumed that Shepard was just trying to keep Zaeed from pushing Kaidan’s buttons. Garrus watched Kaidan clench and unclench his fist. “What happened earlier?” Garrus asked.

“Nothing.”

“I’m not going to judge you for feeling out your options,” Garrus said. “I might judge you if you tried testing Shepard’s waters right after Thane died.”

“She didn’t push me away.”

“She’s hanging out with Zaeed,” Garrus said. “I doubt she’d push anyone away right now.”

When Kaidan tried walking away, Garrus grabbed his arm. “I’m not forgetting you lost someone important too,” he said. “I’m not going to let you push me away because you did something stupid today.”

“Shepard knows me, Garrus. She just does.”

“Who says I won’t?”

“I can’t be here,” Kaidan said. “Zaeed’s going to keep pushing me around, and I’m going to keep looking like the asshole.”

Garrus released him. “All right. Go ahead.”

Kaidan looked at him for a moment and then walked away. Garrus watched the Jaegers fighting on the screens for a while before he realized Kaidan might have wanted him to go with him. When Anderson left, Shepard turned around and waved Garrus over. 

“We’re getting more kaiju bleeding and spitting something acidic,” Shepard said. “The Geth and Samara’s unit has hardly taken any damage because of her barrier. Jacob and Miranda’s unit also hasn’t taken as hard of a hit. What do you think of putting a biotic in every unit?”

“It’s a good idea,” Garrus said, “but it means more biotics risking their lives in the Jaegers.”

“I wouldn’t want to take any through the Omega 4 relay,” Shepard said, “unless someone insisted. But it’d be good to have a few ready to jump on in situations like this.”

“Wouldn’t we want biotics through the relay?” Zaeed asked. “We’ve got no fucking clue what’s over there.”

“I really don’t want to risk anymore lives,” Shepard said.

“What if we broke apart Miranda and Jacob?” Garrus said. “That’d mean two more that we could equip to Jaegers. I know Jack will follow you through the relay if you ask. You’re the only one she listens to.”

“Okay, I don’t like the idea of having one less Jaeger,” Shepard said. “But if we had them, Jack, and Kaidan, that’d mean we’d have five jaegers covered. So that’d just leave two missing, right?”

“Right,” Garrus said.

“So it’ll mean just bringing in two new biotics,” Shepard said. “Not bad. I’ll think about it and then ask the team.”

“How far away are we from going through the relay?” Zaeed asked.

“We can go as soon as our jaeger is built,” Shepard said. “We might take a day or two just to get the hang of her, and we want to make sure the alliance and the krogans are in a good defensive position in case we fail. It’ll mean some scheduling. We’ll know more once our Jaeger is built.”

Zaeed simply nodded, and Shepard returned to watching the screens. It looked like the jaegers only had a few kaiju left to wipe out. She chewed on her lower lip. “It’s hard watching from the sidelines,” Zaeed said.

Shepard smiled, “You’ve got that right.”

Once the jaegers returned victorious, Shepard looked at the damages and then excused herself to sleep for the night. Zaeed jogged to catch up with her. “James should be getting up anytime now, if he isn’t up already,” Zaeed said. “We’ll be ready if there’s another attack during the night. It’d be strange for them to attack again, especially since they attacked yesterday, but we’ll be ready, Commander.”

“You’ve been up most of the day.”

Zaeed shrugged. “You helped me kill Vido after pulling an all-nighter.”

“Good point,” Shepard said. As they reached her room, she said, “Hey, thanks for today. I would have driven myself crazy if I just sat in my room all day.”

“Anytime, Shepard.”

Shepard unlocked the door to her room, and Zaeed said, “Commander? Just be careful, all right? Lots of people are going to try to tell you the proper way to grieve. They might try to manipulate your feelings too. You and I both know the easiest way to work through it is to just keep going.”

Shepard nodded. “I’ll be careful.”

Zaeed smiled. “Goodnight, Shepard.”

She returned it. “Night.”

Shepard took a look around her room. Drawers were pulled out from their dressers. Clothes were scattered on the floor. She walked into the bathroom to see the cabinets opened and raided. Her toothbrush sat alone in the cup. She sat down on the edge of the bathtub and rubbed her face. 

She assumed Kaidan would probably apologize later when he wasn’t so angry, but she hardly felt like cleaning up his mess. So she started to change, and Liara came in to change her bandages again. “Zaeed didn’t ask to change them again?”

“No,” Shepard said. “He just wanted to let me know he and James would be taking the night shift.”

“He was attentive today.”

“I think he feels guilty for not being on the field when Thane died,” Shepard said as Liara unwrapped her bandages. “He really cares about Kolyat.”

“It’s odd, isn’t it?”

“I think he sees himself in Kolyat,” Shepard said. “If he’d turned his life around earlier - or maybe if people gave a shit about him earlier - he’d be a totally different person. Don’t get me wrong, Zaeed loves his life, but I don’t think he’d wish it on anyone.”

“You’ve thought a lot about Zaeed.”

“I didn’t trust him,” Shepard said. “I had to figure him out.”

Liara spread medi-gel on the wound and then began to wrap the bandages. “Is there anything more there?”

“With the cut?”

“With Zaeed,” Liara said. “Maybe you’ve been too caught up with Kaidan and Thane to really see him.”

“I don’t really feel like thinking about it,” Shepard replied with a shrug. “He was after Samara.”

“Really? Him with a Justicar? I suppose she turned him down.”

“She did,” Shepard said with a laugh. “You’re going to spend the night again, right?”

“If you want me to.”

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “Let me tell you what happened with him and the justicar.”


End file.
